Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids

I’ve had three friends in the past week ask me where my blog is.  Why did they do that?  Cleary because I’m unbelieveably popular, and they like me very much.

Sadly, I don’t believe that.  I think it’s actually because they want to laugh at me more regularly than they already do.  See, I’m a mother of five kids.  That means my life is a) necessarily funny and b) a comfort to others.  In this, my first blog post, we’ll explore each of these ideas.  Did you notice that I said “we” as though other people will be reading?  Confidence, that.

Let’s look first at Necessarily Funny

Necessarily = unavoidably… Yep, can’t be helped that my life is funny.  My husband and I didn’t mean to have 5 kids.  Seriously.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but it really wasn’t entirely our fault.

Here’s what happened.  We adopted our oldest daughter, Abby, as an infant in 1998.  She was just so darn great that we made the grave error a few years later of seeking a second child through adoption.  Very long story short, the agency called and did the “is there any way…” and “would you ever consider…” thing, played on our mushy, malleable hearts and, voila!, in 2003 we came home with not one, but two more kids, Ian and Aden.  Then, in a weak moment, we thought a biological child would be a fantastic addition.  One more, that’s all, then we’re done.  And along came our twin boys, Cai and Cael, in 2006.

So here we are.  We only had kids three times, but we managed to end up with five kids.  And let me tell you, that is a LOT of kids.

To be fair, one kid is a lot of kids, too.  Five just makes life funnier.  And don’t tell me that funnier’s not a word until you’ve yelled things at your kids like, “Put down that urinal cake!” and “The dog is not a napkin!”

One of the proverbial friends who asked me this week where to find my blog was explaining about her friends’ beautiful blogs full of their perfect, beautiful children.  She asked me when someone is going to write a blog with pictures of poop smeared all over their kids’ rooms.  It got me to thinking.  I’m just the girl for the task.   Which leads me to…

Why my life is a Comfort to Others

Have you ever watched that TLC show John and Kate Plus Eight?  I watch it sometimes when it doesn’t completely stress me out.  Whenever I can manage that delicate balance, I come away with the awesome realization that someone out there somewhere has a life crazier than mine.  It comforts me.  It’s schadenfreude, a.k.a. the largely unanticipated delight in the suffering of another.

Read. Laugh. Be comforted.  This is not your life.  It’s mine.  There may be the ever-present possibility of smearing of poop upon my walls, but, dang it, they’re my walls, and I love the little poopers.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
9 comments
  1. Well, I’ve been reading backwards for the last couple of weeks: I haven’t been able to “put this down.” I am so sad, that now I just have to wait for you to post regularly instead of having many new-to-me posts whenever I want. But thanks for SO many laughs, and a few tears, and I’m so glad you keep posting regularly!

    1. Aw! Amanda, way to make a girl’s day. Thank you! Glad to have you on board, and really, really grateful you took the time to write this.
      xo
      B

  2. I’ve gone right back to the beginning of your blog, and plan to read all the way through gradually. I know there will be plenty of giggling at om this end and am so much looking forward to watching the Five Kids story unfold. You and I started blogging at about the same time! Rad, eh? Have a great weekend! oxox

    1. PS Please forgive the random “om” in the middle of the second sentence. You wouldn’t believe that I was about to embark upon a career in proofreading, would you?

  3. Thank you for starting this blog and continuing on long enough for me to find you. I can’t wait to read it ALL!

    Just so you know, my daughter handed me poo nuggets she scooped out of her diaper while I was on the phone with a friend AND she served poo nuggets to her Dad on a pink princess plate. AWESOME! My son completely covered himself in diaper rash cream. Not the stuff that’s easy to wipe off, the good stuff that really sticks and stains. We like to do things up right around here! Glad your household has the same do it right or go home attitude that we have 😀

  4. Well – since your husband is my cousin, I felt a little obligated to at least peak at your blog, and since we don’t (yet) have kids, I felt that it would be a very short courtesy peek, as we rarely identify with any of our kid-bourne friends, and identify less with writing about kids. But alas, I have finished your blog – yes, the entire thing. I don’t read anything from beginning-to-end, but here I am gigling like….poo, in the kitchen while Mindy throws me concerned looks. Your writing is brilliant and really should be syndicated. I will be peeking more frequently now. – Gavin

    1. Most awesome comment ever. Thanks, Gavin.

  5. I giggle every time you say that you had kids three times and ended up with five. You’re ridiculous, and I love you for it.

    Not sure where this next thought came from, but have you ever watched “Seventh Heaven”? It’s the previously wholesome family show with a married couple and their five kids (adding up to a total of seven in the family)? Anyway, after a few seasons this couple with five kids ended up getting pregnant and having a set of twins, thus taking the total of children in the family from five to seven.

    Maybe you could be so lucky, too! Wouldn’t it be great to have kids four times and end up with seven? I think so, too. I’m glad we agree.

  6. Nice post! Keep it going!

    See, I know how much you are motivated by positive reinforcement. So by encouraging you, I am classically conditioning you to write more.

    Is it still manipulation if you describe in detail what you are doing?

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