Monday

It started with the jam.

I tried to open it, but the lid was glued to the jar.  A rubberband, I thought.  I searched the drawers in vain.  Oh, I found one, but it was in use, bundling unsharpened pencils to keep them from infiltrating the writing utensils drawer.  You probably think it’s no big deal to unbundle the pencils and use the rubberband.  That’s because you’ve never sent 3 kids all at once in search of pencils for homework time, only to turn them back time and time again saying every time, “Find a sharpened one. Does this one have a point? No. Find a SHARPENED one.” ...  read more

Sex Ed

Once upon a time, when Abby was 5 years old, she was playing in the bathtub while her dad supervised.

I was in the other room, which provided me with an excellent eavesdropping opportunity.

Here’s what I heard:

Abby: “Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Lengthy Pause


Greg: “Beth?! I’m going to need you for a minute!” ...  read more

My Boobies Is Called Peacocks

Cael, age 2, said that to me today.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“My boobies is called peacocks.”

“Your boobies are called peacocks?”

Ever since Abby was little and used to pronounce Clifford (of Big Red Dog fame) “bulls*&t,” I find it’s always good to clarify with toddlers what exactly they’re saying. ...  read more

Miling on the Inside

Sometimes, we all do things we’re not proud of.

For example, I just ended that sentence with a preposition.  Not proud of it.  Nevertheless, I press on.

Crap! I did it again.

Speaking of things we’re not proud of (which we are, because I just brought it up), I attended the opening concert of the Miley Cyrus world tour this week.

In the arena, filled to the brim with SCuh-REAMING little girls, I’m embarrassed to admit that I had a Buh-LAST! ...  read more

Conversation with a Junior Higher

I had a conversation with my junior higher this week.

It went like this:

“Amber asked me if I have a cell phone.  I was, like, ‘yah.’  Then Jason asked me if I have a cell phone, and I was, like, ‘yah.’  Then Maria asked me if I have a cell phone.  I was, like, ‘yah.’  Then Aaron asked me if I have a cell phone, and I was, like, ‘yah.'” ...  read more

What are you going to do about that?

Here’s my very best parenting tip.

“What are you going to do about that?”

Whenever your kid presents you with a problem, a complaint, a conundrum, this is the response that (a) teaches your kids responsibility, (b) shows your kids that you believe in them and in their powers of reason and abilities to problem solve, and (c) is a total, parental cop-out and time-saver. ...  read more

The truth is stranger than fiction.

Aden, age 7, has a mind of her own.   She is unequivocally and unapologetically herself.

For those of you who’ve read “My Name Is Tiger,” this revelation comes as no big shock.

Parenting Aden is 75% joy and 25% fancy foot work and educated guesses.

If Aden follows the rules, it’s just because they happen to coincide with what she plans to do anyway. ...  read more