On Your Marker

Today, my parents brought over evidence that I missed my vocational calling as an artist.

This is a card I made in 1984, when I was 11 years old:

Because nothing says “Happy B-day, Mommy” like a frowning man in a dress with I HOPE in all caps underlined 6 times.

Can I get an Amen?

My dad says this is my first attempt at blogging.  I say this is proof you really shouldn’t keep all the things your children make.

Or maybe you should.  Your call.

I showed this card to Abby, my 12-year-old.  I expected a lot from her reaction.

  • Maybe some questions about cross-dressing.
  • Maybe a commentary on my mad fashion skills.  After all, the 80’s are back, baby!  Anyone want a drop-waist, belted, black and pink polka-dotted mini-dress?  Like, totally!
  • Or she might wonder why I would feel compelled to draw boob lines.  Answer: I had no tact, even as a child.

But no.  Abby’s burning question was, “You had markers back then?”

Um, yeah.  Yeah, we did, Abby.  Somehow, between building a Great Wall, naming my calendar Julian, and discovering  the West Indies, I still found time to color with Crayola markers.  ‘Cause that’s just the way we ancient historical characters roll.

No one can stick the old vibe to you faster than your kids.

But I digress.

If you’re wondering what’s written on the inside of the special card, I’m not telling.

It’ll be way more fun (for me) if you write an inside-the-card message that attempts to explain what in the world I was thinking when I created this masterpiece.

Have you always wanted to write for Hallmark but never had the chance?  This is it!  (I’m certain Hallmark will pick this up, so you’ll be on their writer list for sure after this.)

The writer of the best inside-the-card message will receive a signed reproduction, hand-drawn by yours truly in historically accurate marker.  I’ll leave all the text to you so you can personalize and use it however you wish.  After all, your Mommy might not have a birthday coming up soon.  (Fine.  I know you can just copy the picture yourself onto cardstock, but did you miss the part where I said “signed?”)

Please send your entries to fivekidsisalotofkids@gmail.com (or post ’em to the comments, if you prefer) by Friday, February 18th.  I’ll post our winner on Saturday, February 19th.

On your marker.  Get set.  Go!

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
12 comments
  1. […] Thanks to Cathie, Mark, Kristen and Nate for these winning entries (respectively).  Send your address to fivekidsisalotofkids@gmail.com for your signed reproduction, hand-drawn in historically accurate marker. […]

  2. I hope… you’ll have a happy beard-day! 🙂

  3. Jeff’s scan idea worked! Here is what we see so far:
    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I’m mad at Dad
    Now so are you

    Love, Beth
    PS- Can I have my Poke a Dot dress back?

  4. If I can’t play, I’ll ruin it for everyone else (yep, that’s how I roll).

    =)

    IF (and I’m just saying “if” here) someone wanted to, they could take advantage of the high quality scan, and the bleed from the other side. It MIGHT just be possible to download the image, reverse horizontally, and then adjust brightness, contrast, and saturation until you can read the back. I’m just saying…

    Oh, and I laughed at that picture until it hurt.

    1. How’s that workin’ out for ya, Jeffy?

      B

  5. Oh, yay! I love it when I’m right… this *is* way more fun that just revealing the message in the card.

    Thanks for the giggles, ladies and gentlemen. You’re hilarious. (Kristen, I had to go back and look at the hands. ha!)

    And, yes, Old Marine. Don’t you love it when “it goes without saying” actually went without saying? I thought about putting it in, and then I thought, “nah, they’ll know better.” And I’m right again! This is a red letter day for me!

    Beth

  6. …..you have a happy birthday, Mommy! Instead of a wrapped present, this card is redeemable for one hour of babysitting so you can go to the barber for that face and leg shaving you’ve been talking about. Maybe you can also have your pinkies reattached (again, sorry about that.) Happy Birthday!

  7. ……….that the operation goes well.

    Too funny. My son asked me the other day if something (but I can’t remember what, being old and all) was around when I was young. I know I was offended, though.

  8. I’m assuming the fine print, “Management, employees and families of putdowntheurinalcake.wordpress.com are prohibited from winning any prizes awarded by putdowntheurinalcake.wordpress.com” precludes my ability to enter the contest?

  9. Wow..yeah you and Jeff as kids, I guess I knew it was a reality, but had never really taken time to consider…

    “I Hope…that you know that if anything ever goes wrong with Dad, Chewbacca called and wants a date”

    “I Hope…that you got the message that Jane Goodall called and wants to spend some time with you”

    “I Hope…that when you go bald you’ll have plenty of hair left for an implant”

  10. I think it probably says something like, “Mom, I hope you shave…your face” cuz I know how much tact you “had”?

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