Yeah, yeah. I know Valentines’ Day is still 4 days away. But if you’re like us and you manage any celebration at all, it’s not necessarily going to coincide with the holiday itself.
Anticipating that you may need this information as soon as Friday for your celebration, I thought I’d give you one of my most compelling romantic tips.
I don’t do this lightly.
I’ve never shared this in public, and I rarely give away secrets this awesome even in private.
In fact, my father, brother and father-in-law may want to stop reading at this point, because when I say romantic, I mean that kind of romantic.
Read on at your own risk.
Here we go.
Ladies and Gentlemen, for guaranteed success during your special time together, watch Demolition Man.
Oh yes. Demolition Man.
You think I’m kidding.
I assure you, I’m not.
See, here’s the thing about Demolition Man: It may, in fact, be the most boring movie on the planet.
I’ve written a synopsis to help you understand exactly what I mean.
First, Sylvester Stallone is a guy who gets frozen and then defrosts in the future.
(Yeah, I’m pretty sure it isn’t called defrosting, but I’m a little out of date on my futuristic sci-fi thawing vocabulary.)
Second, pre-freeze, Sylvester Stallone was good. And then he was bad. Then, post-freeze, Sylvester Stallone was bad. And then he was good.
This is compelling stuff, right? You’re with me so far?
Third, Wesley Snipes comes into it somehow.
And I’m almost positive he’s a bad guy. Because his hair screams “I’m a bad guy,” and also because I bet he doesn’t smile like that when he’s trying to be nice.
And, finally, Sandra Bullock (before Sandra Bullock was Sandra Bullock) does something adorable and endearing.
Also, there’s a lot of stuff about futuristic Taco Bell. Actually, I like that part. Don’t tell anyone. Liking futuristic Taco Bell is both lame and embarrassing.
Greg and I have watched Demolition Man at least six times.
I have no idea how it ends.
I have no idea how it ends. Wink wink. Nod nod. Exchange of knowing looks.
The first time Greg and I watched Demolition Man, we thought it was an anomaly.
We thought maybe it was just one of those things.
Then we tried to watch it a second time because we’d rented it, and we’re cheap.
Didn’t make it through that time, either.
Then we wondered if it was a pattern, so we rented it again.
Again and again.
I’m telling you. This movie is magic.
And there you have it. All your romantic woes solved. Just in time for Valentine’s Day.
I give and I give and I give.