Put Down The Urinal Cake

Greg won.

It was a year-long contest, if I remember correctly.

We had three kids, and we caught ourselves saying the most bizarre things.  Things we never expected to hear our own mouths speak.

Things like, “The dog is not a napkin.”

And, “Please don’t paint yourself with your popsicle.”

At some point, like oh-so-many parts of parenting, it moved from outrageously frustrating to epically entertaining.

So we made it a contest.

Every day for about a year, we saved ’em up.  All the crazy things we’d said that day.

And then, at the end of the day, we’d duel.

Quick.  Rapid fire.  Pull your pistols and verbally shoot.  Duel.

First me.  Then Greg.

And he won when he said,

“To Ian.  In the public bathroom.  At the top of my voice.  I said, ‘Put it down!  Put DOWN the URINAL CAKE.'”

And I died.  I might’ve peed.  And then I died some more.

Greg didn’t win the battle.

He won the whole war.

Game over.

All done.

Won.

I just don’t know what else can beat that.

But I’ll tell you this.

I’ve spent a lot of time seeing the words “urinal cake” since I made it my URL more than 3 years ago.

So I’ve spent more time than probably anyone contemplating our phrase.

And you know what?

I don’t just find it outrageous anymore.

Because somewhere along the way, “Put down the urinal cake” became my reminder.

My reminder that it’s OK to notice the yucky things and to comment on them out loud.  To recognize when I’m holding on to them too long.  And then to let them go.

And to laugh.  Always, to laugh.

To grab and squeeze every ounce of joy out of a life that’s sometimes full of urinal cakes.

‘Cause you might see the urinal.

But, baby, I see the cake.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
15 comments
  1. As a urinal cleaner, I’ve seen a lot of weird and funny objects in urinals.
    I think the best one was a blocked urinal in a boys toilet in a school. After digging around for a few minutes, I finally pulled out a perfectly cling wrapped ham sandwich. The principle almost died. I guess it was better to dump it in there then take it home to mum uneaten. Our Urinal Cakes are good at removing blockages but not that good I said jokingly to the principle…..

  2. As a urinal cleaner, I’ve seen a lot of weird and funny objects in urinals.
    I think the best one was a blocked urinal in a boys toilet in a school. After digging around for a few minutes, I finally pulled out a perfectly cling wrapped ham sandwich. The principle almost died. I guess it was better to dump it in there then take it home to mum uneaten. Our Urinal Cakes are good at removing blockages but not that good I said jokingly to the principle…..

  3. I think the best one I ever said was “We do NOT kiss toilets. Especially sketchy public park toilets.”

  4. […] place with its grubby exterior and homemade design and amazing memories and muddy footprints and urinal cakes and those of you who met me at the door as stranger, but took a risk and came inside and sat with […]

  5. Love the name of your URL.
    One of my boy twins actually tasted a urinal cake. And ate food he picked up from the dirt in Africa. Needless to say, he’s NEVER sick. Amazing immune system.

  6. Just discovered your blog today and I’m thoroughly enjoying it. Thanks for sharing all of your great insights. My most unexpected parenting line was, “if you wipe poop all over your legs you do NOT get a bath!” (there are much nicer ways for a child to ask to play in the bathtub).

  7. this is awesome. I need a new blog to read like I need a hole in the head – but I just might have to start following yours 🙂

  8. I realize I am commenting more than a year after this was posted, but I had to share a story with the commenter above. I also work with kids who have severe special needs, and some of the things I said on a daily basis were beyond ridiculous. My all time favorite? “We don’t chew our shoes in the bathroom!” (Said in the lilting, ABA voice all special educators know so well). I love your blog so much – I recently found it and am reading from start to finish 🙂

  9. I just said to my husband “what’s a urinal cake?” and he said “seriously, oh yeah you’re a girl….” Then he explained what it was and I was grossed out. Then I peed my pants from laughing so hard. We dont have children but I work with children that have varying degrees of autism and the things I hear myself say and in public no less are quite embarrassing (I like the way you put all your poops in the potty). I stumbled onto you blog and I thoroughly enjoy it. I find it honest, raw and enlightening and encouraging!! Many many of Gods blessings on you and your beautiful family!!!!!

  10. Joseph’s response: You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

    A good thing to remember 🙂

    1. Bahahaha! Joseph’s response has Greg and me rolling. Words to live (and eat) by.

  11. ROTFLMBO!!! My husband and I loved this one! Thanks for the laugh!

    1. A new one, yay!
      Rolling On The Floor Laughing Marvelling But Oblivious?
      Rolling On The Floor Laughing Maturely Bracing Obduracy?
      Rolling On The Floor Laughing Men Behaving Obediently? (my favourite 😉 )
      Rolling On The Floor Laughing Might Be Oafish?
      Rolling On The Floor Laughing Must Be Objective?
      Rolling On The Floor Laughing More Baked Oatmeal?
      or might it be ‘Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Butt Off’? 🙂

      I can go on and on and on… Love this game! Hahahaha 🙂

  12. Tooo funny. You’ve just got to post some of your other goodies as well. What a great contest. I’d love to go back and remember some of my own one-liners too. I hope you wrote them all down in a journal somewhere. Wondered where your address name came from!

    1. I wrote this one for you, Holly! Others have asked, and I’ve told it piece-meal, but you were the umph I needed to get it written down in a “FAQ” kind of way.

      Thanks for the motivation!

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