I Intend to Commit a Crime
May 6 2011
I intend to commit a crime.
I think you’re obligated to report me to the authorities now that you know, which might put a real kink in your weekend plans. Sorry about that.
Here’s the deal. I’m going to kidnap my friend’s 4-year-old daughter.
I’m not saying exactly when, because I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but if Kate ever goes missing, please have the authorities check my house first, because they’ll probably save a lot of time on a wider search.
FYI, the police will find Kate sitting at my kitchen table. We’ll be eating animal cookies, which we agree are DELICIOUS. Animal cookies are the underappreciated snack of the preschool world. Seriously, next time you’re at the store, buy one of those cute little $0.99 circus themed boxes and see if it doesn’t bring you $0.99 worth of pleasure. I bet it will.
Anyway, I know I already have two 4-year-olds. And you probably think I’m being selfish to steal another. But I have my reasons. And they are these:
- Kate understands the power structure and isn’t afraid to smash the glass ceiling to pieces.
- Kate can’t hug with just her arms. She wraps her legs tightly around my torso, monkey-style, and it melts my heart.
- Kate keeps my 4-year-old twin boys under control. Which is better than I can do.
To illustrate point #3, I’ll tell you this.
Kate’s mom, Heidi, transports Miss Kate, my 2 boys and their cousin from preschool twice each week.
They usually have quite the raucous time of it on their 5-minute drive.
They dance. They tells stories. They argue. They sing.
In fact, here’s a sample song for ya: Cai singing The Days of the Week song. (You’ll see why in a sec.)
This week, Heidi wrote to me:
As always I laughed all the way from preschool today.
It was a battle of the Days of the Week song between 3 boys.
Kate was the mediator because it became a very angry battle over correct lyrics.
Cael [my logical child] was FRUSTRATED because no one was singing it right.
Cai [my animated goof] started yelling BLAH BLAH BLAH to the tune of Monday, Tuesday. . .
And the other boy child was crying because no one would let him sing it all by himself.
Kate finally barked out, “HEY! HERE’S AN IDEA! Why don’t you all BE QUIET, START OVER, and T . A . K . E . T . U . R . N . S!”
And there you have it, folks.
Now you know why I must make her mine. Forgive me.