Today We’re Playing “Did I Say It to My Child or My Dog?”

“Stop licking me,” I said.  And then I paused.  “Actually, you know what, Licker?  The truth is, I just can’t take all the face licking.  Or the foot licking.  Or the foot licking followed by the face licking.  It’s gross.  Do you think you can confine your licking to the back of my legs?  Yes?  Awesome.  That would be GREAT.”

It’s game time!  And you’re playing along from home.  Participation is mandatory.  I figure saying that is just like everything I say around the house: completely unenforceable.  But I carry on because pretending I have power is what gets me through the day.

Power!  Bwahahahaha.

(Margaret Thatcher said, “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”   And I say, Oh, yeah?  Tell me, Margaret: where did thinking like that ever get you?)

Today’s game is called: Did I Say It to My Child or My Dog?

Free fun for everyone!

Here’s how it works (otherwise known as: Da Rules) :

  1. I give you a quote.  Words that actually fell from my mouth this very day. Quotes will be ordered numerically.  ‘Cause I have a numbering button that’s kick-in-the-pants fun to use.
  2. You reply. Numerically. Even if you don’t have a cool numbering button.  And, after each corresponding number, you say either “dog” or “child,” to, you know, indicate whether I said it to dog or child.  It’s a tricky game that way.
  3. Winners who get ’em all right get to choose a child or a dog from amongst my household to keep for a whole week!  And, just to be fair and honest up front, the bigger ones may look like they can work harder, but you can’t beat the littles for enthusiasm.
  4. Just kidding about #3.  The bigger ones don’t actually look like they can work harder.

Alright.  FINE.  If you play along, I won’t force a child or dog on you at the end of the game. But you really are a spoilsport.

Let’s get started.

Did I Say It to My Child or My Dog?

  1. “Are you going to finish eating that?  ‘Cause, if you aren’t, I will.”
  2. “It’s very hard for me to type when your entire body is laying across both the keyboard and my wrists.  Pick one: keyboard or wrists.  You can’t have both.  And I mean it.”
  3. “Oh, geez, dude!  You have GOT to learn to wipe better.”
  4. “Please unload the dishwasher.  And don’t even ask — yes, I mean the whole thing and by yourself.
  5. “Well, how much plastic did you eat?  Like, am I gonna have to get you some medical intervention, here, or what?”
  6. “Stop licking me,” I said.  And then I paused.  “Actually, you know what, Licker?  The truth is, I just can’t take all the face licking.  Or the foot licking.  Or the foot licking followed by the face licking.  It’s gross.  Do you think you can confine your licking to the back of my legs?  Yes?  Awesome.  That would be GREAT.”
  7. “Seriously?  You have to make a choking sound when you’re excited?  Why can’t you just go ahead and throw up already?”
  8. “No, you cannot pee in a cup just because she did it. … Aw, come on.  Don’t fuss.  … Fine! You know what?  Here’s a cup.  Knock yourself out.”

I cannot wait to hear from you.

P.S. If you have your own quotes to add, I’m totally doubling your points.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
14 comments
  1. […] been a strange and lovely week.  I’ve brought the strange, and y’all have brought the lovely.  (Hmmm; it occurs to me that I could’ve written […]

  2. And from reader Beth… who has the BEST name!… via email:

    Okay – here goes nothing!
    1. child
    2. dog
    3. child
    4. child
    5. dog
    6. dog
    7. dog
    8. child

    How did I do?

  3. From reader C.F. via email:

    1. Dog
    2. Dog
    3. Dog
    4. Child
    5. Child
    6. Child
    7. Dog
    8. Child

    Waiting excitedly, fingers crossed, eyes closed, legs in pee-pee dance mode

  4. From reader Sheri, sent via email:

    I decided to play along, and even to respond, because if I am wrong then….WOW! I guess I really want to know! (I work part time and all four of my children are at school right now. It’s this or the laundry, so I picked this).

    1. child
    2. dog
    3. dog
    4. child
    5. dog
    6. dog
    7. dog
    8. child

    I have a few of my own that if by some miracle you find amusing, I do not mind if you share them, and won’t be surprised if you don’t. Feel free to guess yourself, whether I said them to one of my children, or my golden retriever, Nala.

    1. Please do not climb into the dishwasher.
    2. Not the smartest thing you did today!
    3. Please remove the bag from your head before you come down the stairs.
    4. If your sentence could end in “duh!” then you are being disrespectful! (okay, that one was not the dog).
    5. DO NOT chase that ball into the street!
    6. SIT DOWN and STOP JUMPING!!

    Okay…..I’ll give you a hint. I have never had to say any of these things to my dog.

    Thank you for your blog, it is the only one I follow!!

  5. Oh, you are SO my people!

    I’m going to add a few more entries (as separate comments) that I’ve received via email. Because they’re funny and you deserve to see them.

  6. I just can’t take the risk of winning this game. It would be totally impossible to choose which child to have for the week. Notice I didn’t mention the dog.

  7. What a fun game! this shall be my new favorite! Think my family will play?

    1. Child (hoping!)
    2. dog
    3. i am sure this is a kid!
    4. child
    5. dog, but this could go either way
    6. i am going to say dog, however i have had variations of this conversation with my 4 year old.
    7. dog
    8. child

    can’t wait to tune in to the next episode! 🙂

  8. Am I allowed to also guess WHICH child?

      1. 1. Child – Aden
        2. Dog (though Cael has potential)
        3. Child – Cai
        4. Child – Ian
        5. Dog – if it had been bacon, then Ian hands down
        6. Dog – poor, sweet Chip the Licker
        7. Dog (following the massive consumption of plastic?)
        8. Child – Cai Cai

  9. Of course I must play along because, well it’s funny. LOL! and yeah, I want to waste more time.
    1. child
    2. dog
    3. child
    4. child
    5. child
    6. dog
    7. dog
    8. child

    thanks for the laugh this morning…

  10. Well, this is a fun game! You made me giggle first thing in the morning on a morning that started with a 4:30 am toddler coughing spree and a 6 am big kid tantrum. That’s right. It’s been a glorious morning. So, on to the game (and I don’t happen to have a fancy number button. I’ll just be using the…you know…number buttons.)

    1. Child (I hope)
    2. Dog
    3. Dog?
    4. Child
    5. Dog
    6. Dog (But honestly, my first thought was child)
    7. Dog
    8 Child

    As for me? I haven’t anything funny lately. But I have a favorite hubby quote (from a couple years ago). We were at a church carry-in dinner, and he actually said to my daughter, “No, you may not have another donut until you eat your cupcake.” Say what?!?

  11. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! And yes, I actually have a series of pictures of my dad and my son with the dog bone… that make it quite apparent that he was trying to eat it! I just didn’t put them all up as the expressions were cutest in that one!

    So the game…
    1. child
    2. dog
    3. child (I found poo smeared in my carpet this week… and I don’t have a pet)
    4. child
    5. dog
    6. dog
    7. child
    8. child

    Oh, and my parents dog is a horrible licker. And she seems to know that I particularly hate it. While we were having said birthday dinner she managed to get herself under the table (she was supposed to be in the kitchen, but little boy droppings are irresistible) and randomly stealth-licked my bare toes. Doh.

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