An Open Letter to New Mama Me

If I could go back fourteen years to the beginning of this Mama Gig, there are things I’d tell New Mama Me.

Things she should hear.

Things she should know.

Things I’d deliver straight to her heart, like that violent Pulp Fiction through-the-chest resuscitation shot, to help her breathe just a little in that time when new mamahood first destroyed her but before she really lived again.

Oh new mama, I would say, this beginning, it’s hard. It is. It’s hard.

Your feet are moving on a marathon that’s just begun, but you haven’t trained because there’s no way to train for this. No way to build your muscles or increase your endurance or improve your time other than to start running. And that is okay. It’s the way this thing is done. You won’t always feel this exhausted. This off-balance. This delirious. But I know that doesn’t matter right now and that you want to punch people who say, “It gets better” right in teeth. (But it gets better, mama. It does. And the secret is you get stronger.)

I would tell you, sweet new mama, that postpartum depression isn’t just a biological phenomenon reserved for mamas who grow their babies themselves. I would tell you that I know you adore your baby. I know you’re wildly grateful for her. And I know you’d give your life for her and that some days you’re so strung out you wish you could. All kinds of Postpartum What-the-Hell is normal — even for you, the adoptive I-was-so-desperate-to-be-a-mama mama. Welcome to the land of Both/And, lady; both crushed with love for this new little life and breathless with the loss of yourself.

Parenting is relentless no matter how you arrive there.

Oh, New Mama. You will feel beaten, sometimes every minute, but I promise you, you will not stay down. You are a woman and you are just beginning to learn how very strong you are.

Parenting is relentless. Have I mentioned that? Relentless. But eventually it gives you a better version of yourself, and then eventually-eventually you’ll consider it a worthy trade.

You gasp with pain some days. So lonely. So unsure. And that’s okay because you are dying, mama. You are dying to yourself, laying down the you you once knew. But you will rise again, and you will go far. All the way to the moon. You will. To infinity and beyond, like Buzz Lightyear, except real. Your life won’t be only diapers, late nights, early mornings, toddler fits and mommy tantrums. I pinky swear and cross my heart. You will seek and you will find inside yourself the spark of a woman who knows from hard experience, to the marrow of your bones, that you are resilient and capable and strong.

I know you wonder how it is that momming can be so isolating when billions of women do it every day. I know you didn’t see the loneliness coming. If I had a genie in a bottle I would wish for a Zoom Out button for you; in the middle of the night, when you’re sitting on the hard floor with your crying baby and your crying self and your despair because you want to just stop it but you don’t know how, you could zoom out and see. You could zoom out over your house and then out and then out again, like Google Earth for mamas, and from that high place in the sky overhead you’d see that you’re one of an ocean of mamas rocking on the floor in the night. You’d know that you’re not alone. Not really. And you’d wave at the other mamas, and they’d wave through their tears back at you.

You’ve heard about the Village — the one they say it takes to raise a child — and I know you wonder how to find it. Damn Village. The Zoom Button sure would help, wouldn’t it? But I would tell you to hang in there. Breathe breath after breath and keep trekking. Because the Village is there, mama. There’s hope! You’ll get there! The illusive Village is there, and you are so right to keep moving ’til you find your mama tribe.

And the mamas that you find? Some of them in the wilderness just like you? They will point the way to Love and hand you a beer and teach you to laugh at the mess. You don’t know it yet, but the sweaty, miserable work you’re doing in the jungle isn’t just for you, mama. There’s a purpose for all of your wandering. No, you don’t know if yet, but you’re cutting a trail that others will follow to the Love and the beer and the laughter, too. Can you even believe it?

Oh, New Mama. If I could tell you just three things, I’d tell you these:

  1. You’re okay. You are. Both the dark and light of you. The despair and the hope.
  2. The hope will win. I swear it.
  3. You’re not alone. Love is there. And so are you. And together, you’re enough.
Love to you,
Beth

……….

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
83 comments
  1. […] other. And we rest as long as we need. And we hold hands in the dark and whisper to each other that dawn is coming eventually. And then we fight like hell and tackle the world and are fierce, unapologetic badasses […]

  2. […] need TIME. Some of us need Wise Counsel, professional and otherwise, and some of us need friends to wave in the dark and let us know we’re not alone, though it feels so very much like we are, while we wait for […]

  3. Thank you for this post! My daughter us 3 months and my post partum depress has,been especially bad lately. This truly encouraged me and warned my heart. Waving from Indy

  4. Just wanted to let you know that I’m waving in the dark from over here on Cape Cod. I think this is the most helpful, true thing that I’ve read about new parenting in these first eight months of running headlong into Both/And. Tears of recognition and relief. Thank you! Love!

  5. […] that. Lessen it. But it’s a window to a dark piece of my heart, and I don’t know how to wave from the dark and let you wave back unless I let you see it, so there it […]

  6. […] some folks would leave but most of you would stay because we sit together so often after dark, waving to each other, and we’ve built something real here that bolsters us together when we’re a little lost […]

  7. […] we will keep rising on repeat. Over and over. Dying to Expectations. Dying to Ourselves. Dying to How We Thought This Life Would Be and WHO We Thought We’d Be in It. Descending into […]

  8. […] Waving in the Dark to You… and reaching out a hand to hold, […]

  9. Thank you. Just thank you. I am a new mom and I have struggled so much since my baby was born. Fear, loneliness, self doubt, never feeling good enough. I needed to see this. Sometimes you find yourself where you need to be, and this blog post was that for me today. I know this is an old post but I just wanted to let you know that it spoke to me. Thank you.

  10. […] a life without chains, but it turns out I know more about what it is to feel stuck. Stuck in the darkness. Stuck in my brain. Stuck in my faith. Stuck, well, rather loathing […]

  11. […] What if I’m lost forever? What if I can never find myself again? […]

  12. […] are people who cry at night and who need a Google Earth zoom-out button so we can see the other night-criers and know we’re not […]

  13. So much I want to say, but let’s leave it at, it’s 3:53 a.m., somehow I found this 2 year old blog post, and I’m waving. With tears streaming down my face.

    1. Waving back, Tracy. And sending love.

  14. […] there’s a fine line between acknowledging a common experience between parents and projecting all my new mama feelings on others. I wanted neither to disrupt their vacation nor their attempt at calm with my […]

  15. Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids – Beth Woolsey You always find a way to make me not afraid. Being a first time mommy to be, I am SCARED! I wonder things like to breast feed or not, to use a pacifier or not, cloth diapers or not, delayed cord clamping or not.. How do i decide all these things and know they are the right thing for my baby? how do i know it is or isn’t going to hurt, harm, delay my baby? How do I not panic every day of every step of this pregnancy thing that God surprised me with AT 35 because I was not “supposed” to be able to have babies.. HOW will I survive this?
    I already wake up 3 times a night to pee.. is this God preparing me to feed in 6 more months?
    How do I not survive but how do I keep another human alive when so many times i didn’t know if I would survive?
    I know.. ill follow your humor, your kindness and Ill practicing waving to your in the dark TONIGHT!
    XOXO
    MISTY

  16. […] move, to take next steps, to find the next right thing, to blaze a path through the jungle, to find the illusive Village… and we look at the overwhelming piles of crap surrounding us – emotional crap, writing […]

  17. […] behind the 5 Kids blog. This space is about community; finding each other, finding ourselves, waving to each other in the dark until the dawn comes, and always – always – about Love. Stay connected. You can […]

  18. […] On Finding Out There’s Room for More than One Real MomOn Being a Mother and a Time TravelerThe Evolution of My CapeOn Waving in the Dark and Finding the Illusive Village […]

  19. […] An Open Letter to New Mamas: For all the mamas (and dads and fellow humans) who are lonely and isolated and wondering where that illusive Village is. This is why so many of us who hang out here at the 5 Kids blog wave to each other in the dark. […]

  20. I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this right now! With 2 teenage daughters & a 3 year old son – I felt I was losing myself slowly but surely along the way. Mommyhood (and parenting) is relentless but your are right, so worth it! As a momma who suffered from pp depression severely – it does get better – not overnight but It does! Baby steps. I too will be waving in the dark to all of those mommas out there! Thank you.

  21. […] The death and resurrection that is parenthood. […]

  22. There are no words for how much I needed this tonight. I will be bookmarking this page and coming back every night for the next three or four years, I think….

  23. […] The hurting. The sick. The drifting. The grieving. The ones who’ve been abandoned. The folks sitting in the dark, […]

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