Gross Tooth Economics

Dec 4 2012

Although they were once perfectly straight, Cai’s two front teeth have been on the move for months, overlapping and wonky and sticky-outty, the result of Gross Tooth Economics. In regular economics, we know the word gross means “before deductions.” It’s the same with Gross Tooth Economics which is the product of adding grown-up teeth before the subtraction of baby teeth so they’re all mooshed in there together. Also, it’s gross.

Lose the baby teeth, man.

I’ve been thinking that at Cai for weeks now.

Lose them.

And occasionally saying it out loud.

But he was reluctant to wiggle them BECAUSE THERE’S ALWAYS SO MUCH BLOOD, MOM.

There’s, like, a DOT of blood, Cai, I’d say, and he’d respond, I KNOW! ‘ZACKLY!, totally vindicated.

So we waited. And we waited. And we waited. And the teeth grew more wonky and wretched with each passing day.

I petitioned for sole custody, arguing that I could take better care of the baby teeth, but Cai said NO.

I provided recommendations from previous owners of baby teeth who allowed me to escort them to freedom, but Cai said NO.

I enlisted the help of advocates, but Cai said NO.

I finally begged for mercy on their behalf, but Cai, with a heart hardened against their plight, still said NO.

Last night, though, one of the teeth executed a flawless escape all on his own. It must have taken months of preparation and then incredible patience to wait for the right moment, but as soon as he saw his chance, he JUMPED – just LEAPT – right out of Cai’s mouth to the cheers of witnesses and delight of the gathered crowd.

The only cloud over the dramatic escape is the fact that he left behind a friend. Of course, they agreed that whichever one had the opportunity first should seize freedom and then work for the release of the other from the outside.

Still, it’s sad to see Nanny McTooth so alone, uncertain of when she’ll be set free. Poor dear.

Poor, poor dear.

I think we can all agree this just can’t go on, and that it would be wrong of me — wrong of us — to remain silent any longer.

Won’t you join me, friends, in supporting the Free Nanny McTooth Today Campaign? We fight not just for the rights of this Nanny McTooth but for the freedom of Nanny McTeeth everywhere believing that justice and mercy will prevail.

Let Freedom Ring!



P.S. I’d apologize for that picture, except I felt lonely gagging all by myself.


Also, the Tooth Fairy was totally off her game last night. Again. I just thought you should know.