Greg’s Not Home Tonight: A Very Bad Haiku

This isn’t a real post. Just an ode to Greg not being home. In very, very bad haiku.

Greg’s Not Home Tonight

Greg’s not home tonight.
He’s at a meeting for work.
I’m home with five kids.

Three kids are fighting.
I think someone licked the dog.
Two boys are naked.

I’m hiding from them.
In the bathroom. ShhhQuiet.
Don’t give me away.

Shoot. One just found me.
And made me look at his butt.
Hole. At his butt hole.

It’s red and rashy.
His wiping was very bad.
Very, very bad.

Is it bedtime yet?
How about now? Or now? Or
five minutes ago?

When they’re all sleeping,
and the wind blows from the hill,
I’ll miss their bright eyes.

 But I won’t miss the
weird stuff. … … … Not much. … Shhh. Quiet.
Don’t give me away.

……….

And how was your day?
You can answer in haiku.
You know, if you want.

……….

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
43 comments
  1. Limerick time

    My Elsie can use her own potty
    I think this is sweet and not naughty.
    Sleep would not come my way
    There’s no end to this day.
    My floor is not clean but all spotty.

  2. Jetlag continues
    Compounded by kids at work
    Trip memories win

  3. I love it! So needed the good read & comments after the past few days!!! Thanks so much!

    1. Thank you, EllyMae!
      Comments are my favorite.
      You guys are so rad.

  4. Baby with fever
    Now she’s rashy and sad
    Pizza saved the day!

    1. Aw. Poor babe. Poor Mom.
      I hope she’s feeling better.
      Sending love to you.

  5. Irv not home last night-
    -CPR class with church peeps-
    Junk food dinner-Yay!

    Not too bad junk food
    Quesadillas and nachos
    We do love some cheese.

    1. Ode to Cheese: It’s good.
      Also, it’s delectable.
      Also, delicious.

  6. Errands with both boys
    McD’s, Target and Doctor
    Squeezed in jog tonight

    Celebrated with
    coffee and whole wheat bagel
    cinnamon sugar

    hypocrite’s diet
    won’t ever lose weight this way
    sugar addiction

    1. I KNOW that diet!
      Exercise plus eating wrong.
      I invented it.

  7. This is the best comment chain – I can read the comments much more quickly.

    Hate (hate!) running, but
    It’s healthy, cheap. 5 am:
    Dark, but at least warm.

    One step at a time,
    And QT with BFF!
    Home before sun up.

    Crunches done; feel good.
    Lunches packed before kids wake.
    Score: kids wake cheerful.

    Walk to bus on time,
    Daffodils flutter and dance.

    All looks glorious.
    Determined! Healthy choices…
    Too early for ice cream?

    (Apologies to Mr. Wordsworth for borrowing the daffodil description, but I love that poem so it’s OK.)

    1. Ice cream anytime!
      Early exercise? Earned it!
      Justification.

      🙂

      1. Do you also sit
        At the computer tapping,
        counting syllables?

        It takes for.e.ver,
        But is almost meditative.
        Goes well with beer.

  8. People yelled at me.
    It’s my job, but it still sucks.
    Had to warn my boss.

    The real sucky part
    was hours on phone: paypal.
    That was yesterday.

    Today’s a new day.
    I’m Haikuing with coffee.
    Things are looking up.

    1. “Today’s a new day.
      I’m Haikuing with coffee.
      Things are looking up.”

      You make a great point.
      I’m haikuing. No coffee.
      I’ll fix that right now.

  9. Got a babysitter.
    Went out for dinner
    for a spontaneous
    Tuesday date night.
    🙂

    1. This “date night…,” it’s fun?
      Just kidding. I like them, too.
      Rare, rare, rare date nights. 😉

  10. Today was good one.
    Diapers washed, everyone ate.
    Now they’re sleeping, but I’m not.

    1. I love this, Lala.
      Priorities in order.
      Hope you got some sleep.

  11. I should do homework.
    But your blog is way more fun.
    Thanks for the short break.

    1. Happy to help, Liz!
      Distracting people from work
      since 2008. 🙂

      1. (and sleep too) obviously….actually, tea too late keeps me awake and the baby woke briefly. Goodnight?

  12. THE POINT SYSTEM

    Single mom. Small Kid.
    I got a shower today,
    So that is one point.

    I exercised too
    And did a full day of work
    One more point for me.

    Ate dinner then danced;
    Our RAD nightly ritual.
    Surely that’s point 3.

    The kid is asleep.
    Haiku instead of working.
    Lose one point, I think.

    Now I’m back to work.
    How many points do I need
    For a glass of wine?

    1. You have it all wrong.
      You get INFINITY points.
      All single moms do.

      Because YOU are rad.
      You don’t tag out. You keep on.
      You’re there for your kid.

      You? INSPIRATION.
      Hard worker. Awesome mama.
      Love personified.

      1. Oh now I can’t stop
        Your point system is better
        A “friend” beats the wine

        How does this rhythm
        Ever leave my poor, tired brain?
        How ‘bout limericks?

    2. Husband is deployed
      Has never met his daughter
      She is five months old

      The dog needs a walk
      And the toddler wiped his hands
      On my clean curtains

      I am not too sure
      When it was that I last slept
      Life is such a blur

      But, “Single Parent”
      Those words command my respect
      You are my hero

      Your job is so hard
      I have learned these past 8 months
      Raise my glass to YOU!

      …also you don’t even need points for a glass of wine. Cheers!

      1. “Raise my glass to YOU.”
        And me to YOU, Rebekah.
        Your poem was grace.

        <3

  13. Love it! Real life, thanks Beth!

    My dog ran away,
    I am apart from my man,
    And the truck broke down.

    Van, actually.
    The Momtastic minivan.
    But truck sounds better.

    See, if it’s a truck,
    Then my life is pretty much
    A country song now.

    Wait, did I tell you
    We’re squatting at nanny’s house.
    Ours is getting fixed.

    Lest you think I’m sad,
    You should know that all is well.
    Embrace up AND down.

    Life is suffering.
    Doesn’t that sound horrible?
    Jeez, emo Buddha!

    But I think he meant,
    Don’t wait for the good part,
    It’s ALL sacred life.

    Oh, the dog came back.
    The Mombulance is fixed.
    I’ll see my man soon.

    Our house will get fixed.
    But even if it were borked,
    It’s STILL the journey.

    1. Oh, Jessi. Nice work.
      I bow to your hai-cool-ness.
      Totally loved this:

      “Embrace up AND down.
      Don’t wait for the good part,
      It’s ALL sacred life.”

      1. Thanks, Beth! What can I say, you inspired me.

        My only regret is that I didn’t work poop in there somehow.

        Oh hey, here’s my chance:

        Small, red, scrunchy face,
        Could this spell your sweet relief?
        Poop, baby. Please poop.

  14. No haiku here either.
    I bought lunch and dinner.
    Neither in the budget.
    I really need to start working my business, but everyone keeps getting sick this year (BAD 2013).
    But the youngest 3 got free kid meals and we were all happy and had fun. Now I should sleep.

    1. “I should sleep.” Yes. This.
      The mother’s mantra. NEED SLEEP. 🙂
      Wishing you sweet dreams.

  15. Preschool was crazy.
    First day back after spring break.
    Parents looked relieved.

    1. Parents WERE relieved.
      And teachers are SUPER RAD.
      I’m grateful for you.

  16. I’m no good at haiku, but if it makes you feel any better about your situation, I just got a call from my son’s boarding school–two hours distant from here–saying that he’s been suspended for three days and can we please pick him up TONIGHT. Apparently he “roughed up” another kid in the cottage. So I had to call my hardworking husband at his place of employment and tell the clerk he needs to be let go on emergency, which means now all the employees there will know we have a problem kid. Sigh.

    We had pizza for lunch. It wasn’t in our budget, either. I haven’t had dinner yet–yes, I did feed the kids. 🙂

    1. I went to boarding
      school. Two countries distant.
      My parents were smart.

      Sorry about the
      punky kid. I have some, too.
      Keeps us on our toes!

      Love to you and yours.
      I hope the three days go well.
      xoxox

      1. Smart parents. 😉 Ours is more necessity than choice–WSSB. Thanks for the kind thoughts.

        1. I was an MK.
          Thus boarding school for high school.
          I loved it. Mostly. 😉

          Big props, Marilyn.
          For being there for your kid
          with heart wide open.

          I know. That’s what moms
          DO. But some roads are bumpy.
          You don’t walk alone.

  17. Today was not good.
    Bi-polar 2 kicked my ass.
    Now I want coffee.

    (Actually I always want coffee)

    1. I’m sorry, Kristen. 🙁
      Sending lots of love your way
      in lieu of coffee.

      xoxox
      oxoxoxo
      xoxox

  18. “Kick Me” birthday sign
    Taped on my back–the highlight
    Of my day. Thanks, kids!

    1. Happy Birthday, Kris!
      Sorry kids are mean sometimes.
      But they’re funny, too. 😉

  19. Dinner was pizza.
    It wasn’t in our budget.
    Yummy sanity.

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