I’m a Pee Fight Pacifist

Look, I don’t usually take on extreme positions here. I’m just not that kind of girl. I tend to be all mushy and “well, there are two sides to every story” and “I’m sure she had the best intentions” and “there’s room for EVERYONE.” On the other hand, I believed Mr. Clinton when he said he did not have sex with that woman so I admit to a certain ongoing struggle with being a Pollyanna.

My point is, I hope you’ll forgive me for stating a firm political position here. It’s just that I believe this very, very strongly.

I’m a pee fight pacifist.

There.

It’s out.

The whole world knows.

I am a pee fight pacifist. I disagree with all forms of pee fighting.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Surely, Beth, you understand that there are times when a pee fight, however distasteful, is necessary.

And that’s what I’m saying. NO. No, I don’t understand this at all. I’m telling you I believe that there are no circumstances which can justify a pee fight. NONE.

But what if the other person agrees to the pee fight, Beth?

No.

Or if they’re really, really bad and have it coming?

No.

Or if we try very hard not to pee fight but negotiations break down?

No.

But what about peece keeping forces? Like, using one’s pee in defense of others?

Still no.

Just no, you guys. No.

I’m like a rock on this. NO.

But here’s another little secret. The Confession of a Confirmed Peecifist:

My children remain unconvinced.

It’s true. Sad. But true. I have not been able to pass my beliefs on to my children.

I caught my twin boys planning a pee fight yesterday. I mean, sure, it was all talk. So far. No shots had been fired. But still. It caught me up short, and I renewed my determination to impose my peecifism on my kids. This is no time for them to think for themselves, friends.

So I engaged in the talks, working hard to articulate my perspective. The correct perspective. The only perspective.

And they remained unconvinced. In fact, the words gross, sick, and I will literally vomit if I ever catch you doing that only seemed to encourage them.

In the end, I appealed to their sense of equity. Fairness. Egalitarianism. I said, “Pee fights aren’t fair. Only boys have hoses. Girls can’t play.” And I made a sad face.

Look, I’m not particularly proud of my argument since I think no one should play, but, like all good negotiators, I was willing to compromise if compromise meant getting my way.

And my boys were sad, too. They like girls. They like me. They don’t want to leave people out. So they called a cease fire. Thank God. Peece before the first shot fired!

Late last night, Cael handed me this drawing, titled “The Pee Fight, by Cael.”

photo (51)In it, he illustrates his inclusive war plan. Namely, to put me on stilts with a specially engineered pee sluice so I can battle the boys.

And look, Mom! We’re all sad ’cause we BEEN HIT. With all your pee, Mom. ‘Cause you are the BEST PEE-ER of us all. And I’m peeing on Cai, and Cai’s peeing on Ian, and Ian’s peeing on Dad. But Dad’s not peeing ’cause I don’t think he would do this game. He’s not really a Pee Fighting kind of guy. 

So.

I have failed.

But all hope is not lost.

No, hope is not gone.

Even in the darkest hour, a glimmer remains.

“Dad’s not really a Pee Fighting kind of guy.”

I pass the Peecifist baton on.

It’s up to you now, Greg. It’s all up to you.

……….

 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
48 comments
  1. My little cousin, when he was really little, could pee a length about 2-3 times his own height. Me and him played a lot of peepee games when he was getting trained, and he peed on me once or twice, but I kept mine at the toilet. Once he commented that our [foreskins or lack thereof] looked different, that was the end of all that.

  2. My husband and his brothers used to have “sword fights” over the toilet bowl and pee at the same time. I’m not sure how the game went, or even how to win. I’ve tried to get him to teach me, but I’m lacking the anatomical structure to play it correctly, apparently. Hopefully he will teach our son so that the legacy lives on.

  3. […] are sartorial renderings of some favorite posts, like the Pee Fight Pacifist, and, of course, the Angery Dragon. For the Nerd Parents among us, there are some mathematical […]

  4. this made me laugh! just discovered your blog today when someone posted the i pooped my closet post on FB. died laughing. back to the topic, i can’t believe yet can believe this is a thing. pee fighting. gross. I only have one boy (so far?) and he is one so this is not yet an issue. hopefully his sister will agree that this is gross, but, I had to comment because, technically, girls could play. My friend who has 3 sons caught the two oldest (ages around 12 and 10) having a pee fight using waterguns, the contents of the waterguns only becoming apparent after they had ran all over her house squirting each other’s pee at one another. oh my word. i can’t even.

  5. Hello, I just stumbled across your Pee posta nd I giggled.
    I am the wrangler of 2 boys, 7 and 4 and just last week I was involved in a UN style intervention.
    We sent the boys to have a bath, and then I heard giggling. Long story short, Master 4 was peeing in the toilet, his aim went a wee bit askew ( ‘scuse the pun) and got Master 7 in friendly fire.
    Not to be outdone, Master 7 turned, aimed and fired and got Master 4 and everything else in a hail fo ammunition and collateral damage.
    Master 4 continued to valiantly fire back until his ammunition was exhausted.
    The bulldog puppy just ran away.
    Till now I had not considered giggling to be the precursor to war, but my eyes and ears have been opened!

    “Why did you pee on your brother?”
    “Because, he peed on me.”

    It is a tough one to argue. Especially with a straight face, when staring down two naked little boys who are comrades in arms.

  6. LOL. The picture is great. How thoughtful of him to design something so you can join in (and win)!

  7. And also I would like to add a non-filtered comment about loving the picture and the generosity he gave himself and his brothers in their male part. That cracked me up too!

  8. Nice…. lol…. I think I might have preferred a pee fight to my oldest son peeing in a glass (just a little) and watering it down and giving it to my youngest son and telling him “no really, it’s apple juice”. My youngest was dumb enough to try it. :/ Gotta love having boys, right?!

    1. That is SO gross. And hilarious.

      1. Sadly, or hilariously –

        I did that to my brother. Not watered down or anything. His reaction still makes me laugh to this day. “IS THIS PEE?!?” after he tried it. I think my laughing hysterically gave it away. He is four years younger then me so it was an unfair prank, but oh it was funny.

  9. I have to say, Beth, your argument could be disputed. There is a device to assist women with peeing without copping a squat. They are marketed to campers. Hopefully you can keep this a secret from them forever.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_urination_device

  10. Incontrovertible evidence (this post is) as to why, from time to time, men and boys need to go off into the woods by themselves for a few days: Peedom, and no one asking silly “why” questions. Civilization is survivable only by periodically being peed of its constraints.

    1. You may take my men to Peedom any time, Papa. This weekend is good. 😀

    2. Ha, that reminds me of a story: we took my sister’s French exchange student male friend, twenty-something years old, to a Finnish summer cottage in the middle of nowhere. He thought the absolute best part of it was when we told him he could pee anywhere he wanted.

  11. I woke up this morning after insufficient sleep, and two things cheered me – the appearance of sunshine after what feels like years of grey weather, and this post. HILARIOUS. Thank you! Sending solidarity from a fellow turbo-peer whose older son doesn’t always hold his willy when using the toilet, thereby obliging me to warn all guests to check the seat before sitting down. I loved the picture – comedy gold 😀

    1. LOVE the solidarity, Fiona. Sending you a trans-Atlantic fist bump. And sympathy for the toilet seat dribbles. 😉

  12. Maybe its like nuclear proliferation – if everyone has the same weapon and you have the most powerful of all then peece will prevail??

    PS First comment from a lurker, I’ll head back to the shadows now! 😉

    1. Hooray! Welcome to the light, Hannah. (Don’t go!)

  13. You better hope they never think to pee into water guns to even the playing field for all genders, you know, gender peequality.

    1. Gender Peequality! Hahahaha.

      I want this on a bumper sticker. “I am for gender peequality.”

  14. To differentiate:
    A “pee fight” is when the urine is directed at one’s fellow combatants; a “sword fight” is when 2 guys, for lack of available toilets, urinate in the same toilet at the same time; and a “pissing contest” is either a) a distance competition, or b) a competition in which the combatants (usually male) try to out-do each other, not in the pursuit of right or truth, but simply to win.

    This hardly needs to be said, but we males a) discussing and naming our junk; b) discussing what we (optimistically) do with our junk; or b) using our junk as metaphors. Maybe if we redirected our creative energies, women college undergraduates wouldn’t outnumber male undergraduates by 16%. Just a thought.

    ….and kudos to Greg. Maybe not being a “pee fight” kind of guy explains why he’s one of the smartest men I’ve ever met.

    1. (apparently I don’t know how to edit myself online…!)
      To differentiate:
      A “pee fight” is when the urine is directed at one’s fellow combatants; a “sword fight” is when 2 guys, for lack of available toilets, urinate in the same toilet at the same time; and a “pissing contest” is either a) a distance competition, or b) a competition in which the combatants (usually male) try to out-do each other, not in the pursuit of right or truth, but simply to win.

      This hardly needs to be said, but we males SPEND TOO MUCH TIME a) discussing and naming our junk; b) discussing what we (optimistically) do with our junk; or b) using our junk as metaphors. Maybe if we redirected our creative energies, women college undergraduates wouldn’t outnumber male undergraduates by 16%. Just a thought.

      ….and kudos to Greg. Maybe not being a “pee fight” kind of guy explains why he’s one of the smartest men I’ve ever met.

  15. My dad used to tell this joke about two men and a woman in a bar. They are drunk and she challenges them to a peeing contest to see how high they can get it on the wall. Just as they are about to start the contest, the woman says, “Tsk tsk! No hands!” And she wins.

    Sorry. For some disturbing reason, I couldn’t resist.

  16. Dear Lord,
    Thank you for sending Beth to warn me about my future with two boys.
    Amen.

    1. Like the prophets of old. 😉

  17. Dear Lord, please let me have only daughters. Amen.

  18. Just as long as they don’t do “pee contests” like my brothers did growing up. Rules: “Let’s see how far away from the toilet (i.e. in the hallway) we can be and still make it to the toilet.” Or ” How high up the garage wall will our pee reach?” (Answer: amazingly far. Seriously, you have to see it to believe it). Perhaps this trauma suffered in my youth is the reason why why God gave me only girls to raise.

    1. Oh, Valerie. I’ve witnessed exactly how far up a garage wall pee will reach, and I’m so grateful for your camaraderie.

      Me: Pardon me, but were you just PEEING INSIDE THE GARAGE?
      Son: Uummm, yeah.
      Me: Why.
      Son: I don’t know.
      Me: No, seriously. Dude, I’m not even going to get you in trouble. I just want to know why. Like, one reason. It doesn’t have to be a good one. Anything at all. Any. Thing.

      He just shook his head and walked away. Dismayed that I — *I* — didn’t get it.

      I will say my boys keep me very, very entertained.

  19. Hahahahahahaha, and mom you win because you are the best peer of us all. hahahaha

    1. I am a very good pee-er. Fast peeing is practically a super power of mine. But I’m not sure even I can pee on stilts with an audience watching.

  20. Oh my goodness. This is amazing…in so many wrong ways it is so amazing. At least you can feel loved…he will let you win and everything! I love this!

    1. I know, right? I was actually very sincerely touched at his thoughtfulness.

  21. I’m such a creepy homeschooling mom that I’m looking at your whole post and laughing about pee wars and your special sluice and then I got MESMERIZED by how nicely your son does “monkey tails” on his letters, in perfect D’Nealian form. Like, what the heck, what Jedi master of printing is teaching this child?

    1. I’m going to read your comment aloud to his kindergarten teacher. She will LOVE you. Like I love her. She taught 2 of my older kids, so I plunked my twins right down in her class as fast as was humanly possible. She really is a Jedi master.

      P.S. I’m impressed, homeschool mom. That’s a job I can’t do. I have a lot of friends who are incredibly successful at it. Y’all are my heroes.

  22. Okay this is hilarious. Boys. That says it all lol. And the picture he drew sent me into gales of laughter. Boys!!! Boys are not girls, and as an old feminist from the 70’s, much to my surprise, I failed in making my son and daughter think or act alike though they were not treated differently. It seems they are intrinsically different. But lookie Mom, you can win the Pee Wars! Your son has all the faith in you. He will design something just for you. Poor Dad. He just doesn’t have the gumption to join in. Hehehehe. I am still laughing. Thank you for sharing, I so needed this belly laugh.

    1. “I failed in making my son and daughter think or act alike though they were not treated differently.”

      HA! Yes. This. I bought Abby Legos and trucks and blocks, convinced it was all about nurture. She only wanted princess stuff. Stupid nature. But now one of my boys insists his favorite color is pink (“It’s not just for girls, you know.” “I know, you little egalitarian. I know.”), so I don’t feel like a total failure. 😉

  23. So, I am sorry, I consider us friends (despite never having hung out in real life) but I have to confess that I heartily embrase what we coined ‘Pee Pee Wars’ at our house. However it is always into the toilet and I don’t actually know all the ins and outs of it, but I love it because it means that the 4 year old and I don’t need to have a battle of wills over whether he will or will not pee before bed. So, in the interest of less laundry and more sleep and *slightly* less urine odor in the house I enthusiastically applaud the before-bed Pee Pee War. I hope you can forgive me, but I gotta choose my battles.

    1. I would posit that any so-called Pee Pee War that causes more pee to go in the toilet and less to go on the floor or the in the laundry or, say, all over one’s brother, is, in fact, peecifism. Which means that even though our semantics are different, our hearts remain on common ground.

      P.S. I consider lots of folks friends who I haven’t hung out with in real life. Thanks for getting that.

  24. See there. Even his kids know I raised Greg right.

    1. You did. Other than that whole reading-every-sign-in-the-museum thing. 😉

      1. Uh… that would be a *virtue* (and some consolation for my own child-rearing failures…)

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