How to Get Out of a Minivan

May 9 2013

Please Note: If you saw the title “How to Get Out of a Minivan,” and you’re hoping I have something to offer by way of getting you out of driving a minivan or owning a minivan, you’re out of luck. Once you have a whole lot of kids, there’s no way out. No way I know, anyway. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you. Instead, this post is about how to literally get out of a minivan because we here at the Five Kids blog are dedicated to providing practical, every day advice for the busy family. Thank you for your attention. 

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How to Get Out of a Minivan

She’s their younger cousin, only 4 years old, so I can understand why there was so much confusion. You can’t know everything when you’re 4, after all. Which is why it was a good thing my niece had my kids there to help her out. Literally out. Of our minivan.

Over the past months of carpooling from school, my boys have helped and helped and helped their cousin navigate our family’s chaotic world. It’s a steep learning curve for a kid who comes from a household that’s organized and disciplined. Like finding yourself thrown to a pack of goldfish-cracker-eating wolves who fight over the middle seat and tell fart jokes all the way home. I’ll tell you what, though; this kid is both resilient and tough. And her fart noises are coming along.

The only problem is, she’s small. Tiny. So even though we honed her mind and she adapted to our culture, she still had a little trouble with the ins and outs.

I thought you, too, might have little ones who are just gaining bits and pieces of independence — climbing into their booster seats, buckling their own seatbelts, unbuckling them again as soon as you get up to highway speed — you know, the usual. Just in case you have littles who need some help, littles who could use some good tips on ins and outs, I offer this tried and true tutorial — my boys’ cumulative, year-long advice — on How to Get Out of a Minivan.

ID-10045282Helpful Advice From Two Six-Year-Old Boys

  1. Do not stop and eat the crackers or the cereal from the seat cracks or the floor. Those are too dirty for eating and it slows you down. Except if there’s a whole one that isn’t squished yet. You can eat those.
  2. Don’t kick the garbage out. That’s littering. Kick it backwards into the van, like this.
  3. Do not kick the breakfast dishes. Those aren’t garbage. You push those under the seat.
  4. There is, too, room under the seat. You just got to push harder.
  5. Step over the banana, not on the banana.
  6. It’s okay. I can clean up the banana with my socks.
  7. Don’t wrap your hand around the outside of the door to get out or else you’ll have to wash your hands. Also, don’t touch the inside of the door because it’s sticky. Also, don’t touch any of the stuff inside of the van.
  8. How about you just don’t touch anything and jump? That’s what I do. I’m a really good jumper now.

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What about you? Do you have other tips for getting out of a minivan? (Anyone up for confessing what’s in your car right now? Hehehe. Double dog dare you.)

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“Van” image credit to digitalart via freedigitalimages.net