On Sunday Morning

On Sunday morning, after the 12th “GEEZ, MOM,” and the 17th “WHATEVER, DAD,” and the 45th time he made that cat-ralphing-up-a-hairball sound of teenaged disgust, I sent the large boy child to his room. He said, “GREAT!” and grinned maliciously in my direction with a sassy little shake of the head, so I said, “You can stay in your room for INFINITY!” And he said, “I WANT to stay in my room for infinity!” And I said, “FINE. You can stay in your room for LONGER than infinity,” because I think it’s important for the parent to always remain calm and set an example of mature authority.

On Sunday morning, I sent a second kid to her room for lying about personal hygiene. Did I care that she hadn’t showered? No, I did not; I was just wondering. Did I care about the lying? Well, of course. You know, theoretically. Or only because Caring About Lying is in the Mama Manual, but whatever. But you know what really got my goat? What really sent me over the edge? THIS —> When I asked whether she lied, she responded with a proud, gleeful, “YEP!” <—THAT. In other words, she’s totally me as a kid, which we all know is GAH. Terrifying! Does anyone know which stage of childhood it is when kids finally internalize the fact that faking is important? ‘Cause sometimes you gotta sell a “sorry” even though you’re not really sorry at all. And sometimes you gotta sell a “sad about lying” face even when lying secretly makes you feel powerful and giggly. LIFE LESSON, KIDS. LEARN IT.

On Sunday morning, I took a third kid to the doctor. Did I mention it was a Sunday? So I took the kid to the expensive, immediate care kind of doctor because her mouth hurt and was visibly swollen so I knew she probably had mouth cancer or an infection threatening to enter her blood stream or an extremely well-hidden penchant for chewing tobacco that we needed to discover STAT so we could get her into a top-notch juvenile chewing tobacco rehab center. Yeah, I’m not always rational when my kid is in pain.

On Sunday morning, while I took a kid to urgent care for a canker sore, Greg taught our preschool Sunday School class without me. I told him I was sorry I couldn’t help him, and my face looked very sad.

The End

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P.S. Yes, I know it’s Wednesday and I just wrote about Sunday. I started this post on Sunday. I meant to finish it on Sunday. I feel like this is an accurate demonstration of my ability to finish things on time.

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P.P.S. Sunday was actually fine. Weird. But fine. Our family rescued us, as usual. My cousin, our pastor, covered our other church responsibilities. My cousin, the middle school teacher, took charge of the large boy child and jostled him out of his funk. My parents showed up with a chainshaw and a bucket to tame my yard.

photo 1 (55) And my son wore plaid Bermuda shorts, a Superman t-shirt and fashion forward transportation rain boots to dinner.

photo 2 (63)

What’s not to love?

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P.P.P.S.

Dear James Harbeck,
You’re rad.

Phonetic Descriptions of Sounds Teenagers Make
by James Harbeck

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Chime in! How was your weekend? (‘Cause that’s a fun question to ask on a Wednesday.) Or, if you’re already so over the weekend… what’s happening right now at your house? 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
14 comments
  1. I really enjoyed this one. It’s amazing the chaos that ensues with large families! I speak from experience! I have 4 boys and 2 girls…in that order. My two oldest boys are teenagers and I’m constantly getting their teenage responses of disgust, etc. Thank you for sharing! I needed a laugh today!

  2. You meant to write this on sunday? A clear case of Intention Deficit Disorder!

    What’s happening right now is that my son is away for two days, camping with school. So I’m home all alone, and completely at a loss what to do with myself.

  3. nasal trill… hahahaaaa!

  4. I like you, Beth Woolsey. That is all.

  5. Sunday? I don’t think my week had a Sunday. . . . No, wait – I *did*! It was a rare Sunday where I wasn’t teaching Preschool, or Nursery, or signing for someone. I actually got to sit by my hubby during the teaching! Yeah – that’s right – and then we went to the mill pond for a swim where I sat in an inner tube chair with the two shivering (freaked out and wet) Chihuahua mix dogs of ours on my lap/shoulder/head and I told my kids “I am your floating toy – push me around where you like, just no tipping me over.” Then we came home and watched Scooby-Doo meets Bat Man and Robin and laughed when we noticed someone forgot to paint Batman’s pants on a couple of times . . . and we are all certain that Robin is running around in his undies.
    Yeah – it was a great day, actually.

  6. Oh my gosh, and we are always so happy to hear from you!

    I’ve already blocked out what happened over the weekend.

  7. Yesterday, after serving breakfast to a little less than a hundred kids, I called off work for the rest of the school year. Sounds awful, but it was really only for the last day and a half.

    2 of my kids are in summer school, one is in a voluntary summer sport program, and another is in an afternoon summer practice session that lets her practice her swimming one day then she gets to practice tennis the next. That leaves my youngest (7) and my second oldest (18) at home waiting for next year to start, and my eldest chasing a toddler around with a spoon full of food or clothes or a diaper or a toy…

    Maybe I should have stayed at work for the rest of the year, or pretended to have to work summer school…

  8. Sunday. Husband had an all day training session for upcoming cub scout camp. After church I had to take my son to the school pool party fundraiser. WHO HAS A POOL PARTY FUNDRAISER?????????? I can’t tell you how much I did not want to be pool – side with hundreds of younger skinnier moms. But we both had fun, even though only one of us was in a swimsuit.
    Could you send over that cute couple with the bucket and chainsaw? My Sunday didn’t have enough hours to include yard stuff!

  9. So glad there are people out there that understand moms with kids rarely have it all together for a very good reason. I was asked yesterday if I was ok because I had forgotten to give my oldest child lunch money, then I forgot the camera for their recital later that night. OK? Really I have 3 children, including you! (or at least that’s what I wanted to say)

  10. I have only one child in the house today. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. Notice I said almost….

    Child number one has flown the coop. He is seldom here. Child number two is in OK doing tornado relief. Child number three is away at her week of respite care.

    Child number four … an 11 yr old boy … is here and the “only child” syndrome is setting in. He isn’t used to this and only enjoys it for a short period of time. He will be glad to have his sisters back!

    He is currently playing the wii fit while I sit here listening to the most amazing bible teacher and work in my art journal. If only I could have peaceful moments like this EVERY day!! 🙂

    soon enough I will be up doing dishes and laundry, cooking and cleaning, you know the drill. For this moment I am going to enjoy the solitude!

    1. “For this moment I am going to enjoy the solitude!”

      I’m living vicariously through you, Glenda. 🙂

  11. Thanks for the laugh!

  12. Oh dear. This Sunday was ridiculous. I actually hid everyone’s shoes on Saturday, just to be sure we’d have them for Sunday. Then, on Sunday, every sort of thing went wrong (complete with a smashed $30 bottle of herbal medicine). At church, Pastor Hubby tells me everything went wrong there too – including someone taking the matzah for the Lord’s Supper! Who steals the figurative Body of Christ? After service, he’s leading a short meeting (for which he couldn’t print the info packet), and I notice the man is wearing two different shoes! One black, one brown! Both loafers, but different styles. Thankfully, at that point, he just laughed!

    And right now? Right now the 5yo thought the middle of his sisters’ nap time was the *perfect* time to crank up his other sister’s keyboard and bang on it. Ugggggh.

    1. “Who steals the figurative Body of Christ?” <--- Ha. Love.

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