How to Take Great Selfies in 5 Easy, Teenager-Approved Steps

Nov 6 2013

This is not today’s post, which I told you yesterday I would write. Today’s post is probably going to be tomorrow’s post. Or Friday’s post. Or whatever. I’ve been up with pukers for 5 nights in a row – SIX days of pukers with no end in sight, and I don’t even know what day it is anymore, man.

Instead, we’re going to do a Selfie Tutorial today because I have access to a thousand teenagers and those people know how selfies work. They invented the artform, after all. And then they perfected it, one awesome picture at a time. So if you’re a grown-up and you’ve been longing to know how to take better selfies, this is the post for you.


My experiment with selfies began on Halloween night when my friend, Mindy, and I took this adorable pic, trying our hardest to mimic the wide eyes and open mouths we’ve seen from our teenaged friends.

Next, in the name of good science and even better art, I uploaded it to Facebook where I solicited advice from the teenage experts, especially our daughters and my cousin.

“How did we do?” I asked them, and “What do we need to improve?”

And their advice poured in. Such is the power of social media.

“Less forehead,” said one.

“More smiley,” said another. And “bigger mouth.” And “HUGE eyes.”

Myriad tips in seconds.

So I decided that today, after I’ve been awake for forty hundred consecutive hours with my sweet vomiters… a day when my hairstyle can most optimistically be described as Hopefully Vomit-Free… this is the day I could really use a good picture of myself. Restore some self-esteem. Feel pretty for a few minutes, you know?

And because I care about you, too, I decided to compile all the tips so we can benefit from our teens’ wisdom together. ‘Cause you know what the world needs? More selfies. Obvs.

So, without further ado, I present to you :

5 Easy Steps to GREAT Selfies
with helpful illustrations

Step 1: Minimize the Forehead


OK. Forehead cropped. Check.


Step 2: HUGE Eyes


Huge eyes? Got it. Check.


Step 3: Bigger Mouth


Bigger mouth? One of my specialties. Check.


Step 4: More Smiley


Happier. More smiley. Mm hm. Check.


And Step 5, courtesy of my 13-year-old cousin, Try to Look Less Like a Zombie.

And I…


Well, that’s…


I’m not sure…


Yeah, that one’s lost on me.

I tried. I really did. But looking less like a zombie is, unfortunately, something I cannot do. I’ve been a Mombie for 15 years now, and I’m afraid this is as good as it gets.

photo (82)

Which, quite honestly, is perfectly fine. And more than enough. And just right.


So, Mombies… and Dads… and People Who Are Human,
what selfie tips would you add?
And how’s flu season treating you? Because SHEESH.