5 Ways to Begin the New Year Inadequately On Purpose

I headed to bed with a migraine this afternoon, and I want you to know this is a perfectly acceptable way to end the old year and ring in the new. 

This is the time of year I feel bombarded with the message that my life is inadequate and I must fix it all right now. It’s the New Year! Time to turn over a new leaf! No time like the present! GET ON IT, STAT! ...  read more

It’s the Part of Winter Break When…

I caught my kid’s puke last night inside the puke bag – all of it except for the chunks that landed on my left hand before they slid with a shake of my wrist into the bag with their buddies.

I don’t know when I started considering puke shots that make it in off the rim worthy of full points, but it was a 2-pointer in my book, for sure. I marked up the stats, credited myself with the assist, and moved quickly down the court to help the rest of my team, because the game doesn’t stop when someone makes or misses a shot. It just keeps going and going and going until someone calls timeout or the buzzer sounds Game Over, except without timeouts and no game ender in sight, ’cause this is Life, not basketball. ...  read more

Merry Christmas Eve and Happy Mother’s Day (and Day 9 of 7+ Giveaways)

I gave my dad homemade cinnamon rolls for Christmas because I’m a kind and loving daughter. 

And because I’m amazing and can do All of the Things at Christmas time!

And maybe a teeny tiny bit because I let my kids eat the cinnamon rolls I gave my dad for Father’s Day.

All of them.

As in, I let my kids eat every single cinnamon roll I gave my dad for Father’s Day, and my dad didn’t get any. ...  read more

When Baby Jesus Gets Dropped on His Head and Other Reasons I Love the Christmas Story (plus Day 8 of 7+ Giveaways)

I admit I laughed WAY too loud at last year’s church Christmas pageant when Mary #2 (for the times when a solitary Mary just won’t do) dropped Baby Jesus on his head. 

Our 4-year-old Understudy Mary fumbled the baby pass, as parents sometimes do, and there went our Lord, tumbling onto the ancient yellow carpet to lay prostrate at the foot of the cross, sacrificed before his time. ...  read more

3 (Actually) Fun Family Activities (and Day 7 of 7+ Giveaways)

My parents always called it Fun Family Time Together, or, abbreviated, F2T2. And there was a LOT of F2Tduring my childhood years.

To be clear, anytime my mom pulled out the F2TPhrase in a voice pitched with forced enthusiasm, we knew we were about to enter FAMILY HELL.

Long trip on a rickety train with a questionable safety record through the Indonesian mountains, our mouths raging infernos from cripplingly spicy fried rice we didn’t know how to order “mild,” on our way to our new home where we weren’t at all sure we wanted to live?  ...  read more

Unsolicited Parenting Tip #5 (and Day 6 of 7+ Giveaways)

From time to time I offer unsolicited, but important, parenting tips. Not to toot my own horn, but these tips will probably change your life.

Unsolicited Parenting Tip #5:
“TAKE THAT, MASTERS”
sounds similar to,
but is not the same as,
“TAKE THAT, BASTARDS!”

So BEFORE you take your 1st graders to task for hollering, “TAKE THAT, BASTARDS” at the video game over and over (and over and over), ...  read more

25 Totally ROTTEN Things Parents Have Confessed to Doing Which Are RUINING Their Children’s Lives (and Day 5 of 7+ Giveaways)

I wrote to you on the 5 Kids Facebook page last night because I needed to confess, and we all know Facebook is the very best place for purging one’s soul. 

Here’s what I said:

I need to confess right now that I have been extraordinarily unreasonable lately. For example:

  1. I asked a middle schooler to take a shower even though, ‘GEEZ, MOM.’ 
  2. I asked a sister to open a garage door for her brother even though, ‘THAT IS STUPID AND NOT FAIR AND I HATE EVERYONE.’ 
  3. I asked small children to put away ALL the pieces of the Legos even though stiff bodies and laying prostrate on the ground and wailing and gnashing of teeth and, ‘But we can’t do ALL of it; it is TOO HARD.’ 

I know. I know. I SUCK. 

Please feel free to confess your own failures in the comments section below. I’ll try not to judge you for ruining your family’s lives. ...  read more