Drop Off Service Available

Greg and I were walking downtown the other night when we saw this sign.

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You guys. YOU GUYS! Drop Off Service Available! And it doesn’t say what kind. Which means ALL THE KINDS. All the kinds of Drop Offs available! I’m going back tomorrow to drop off 27 things.

  1. My 14 year old’s work ethic.
  2. My 14 year old’s mom’s work ethic.
  3. My dog’s midnight intruder-alert barking. 
  4. All the dirty laundry.
  5. DEPRESSION.
  6. All the Bad Theology in All the World.
  7. The stuff under my couch.
  8. The word moist.
  9. Cancer. 
  10. Every bill.
  11. Making sandwiches.
  12. Painful shoes.
  13. All of the hairs that grow under my chin.
  14. Tangles.
  15. Pee on the floor.
  16. Pee in the bathtub.
  17. Pee in my bed.
  18. Minus #’s 17 and 18, ’cause those are too funny to let go.
  19. The incessant whining at bedtime. (Kids.)
  20. The incessant whining at wake-up time. (Me.)
  21. The smell of 5th-8th graders.
  22. Ear zits.
  23. Nose zits.
  24. Zits after age 40.
  25. Running out of cream for my coffee.
  26. Insecurity.
  27. All the things that are wet and not mine.

P.S. I can’t wait to see what they give me in exchange since I obviously can’t give them 27 things for nothing. I assume they’ll give me fancy cheese, but I wouldn’t say no to self-filling toilet paper dispensers. I’m open either way.

OregonianOmamasEventP.P.S. Go here and here to enter to win lunch at the Portland Art Museum with the Oregonian Omamas and me this Tuesday! Or purchase tickets for just $5 here.

P.P.P.S. What are you going to drop off?? I need a more complete list.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
28 comments
  1. 1. Drop off laundry service (or “Fluff and Fold” as we called it in Chicago) is the best thing ever. EVER.

    2. As a teacher, I’d like a place to drop off all my correcting. I know Fox has a teacher program–I really think part of an effective teacher training/hazing should be 144 engineering projects graded on a proficiency rubric.

    3. How about a place to drop off a belligerent, rude, demanding prima donna five-year-old?

    4. How about a place to drop KICK my wireless router?

  2. I’d like to drop off my son’s mental illness and his recent obsessive thoughts about killing me (even though he loves me and doesn’t want me dead).

    They must have room for that, right?

    1. Oh, that sounds so rough. Hang in there.

  3. I can’t beleive the list was only 27 items long; very impressive. Mine might be longer.
    I think we can all agree on the laundry, bills and eggs that won’t peel. Husbands with attitude problems, sons with attitude problems. All the bad smells. Scrubbing and cleaning just to have to do it all over again in a couple of days. 40 pounds of body fat and having to work for a living (although I AM grateful for my job and husband and son but when do I get to be at the top of the list of importance??)

  4. 1. Technology glitches during the middle of state testing.
    2. Clogged toilets
    3. Clash of Clans.
    4. The closure of my favorite coffee shop.
    5. Rosacea.
    6. Irrational temper tantrums–mine.
    7. Irrational temper tantrums–kids’.
    8. The requirement to change eating habits in order to effect weight loss.
    or 8b. calories in yummy food
    or 8c. being comforted by sweets instead of veggies
    9. Depression–mine.
    10. Depression–husband’s.
    11. Depression–everyone’s.
    12. Guilt over things that can’t be changed and weren’t one’s fault in the first place.
    13. Alarms that go off when you are deeply asleep.
    14. Bad breath.
    15. My son’s fear of shots.
    16. My doctor’s office manager’s irritation with us for “letting” him lock himself in the only bathroom in the office and refusing to come out.
    17. The way middle schoolers can hone in on someone else’s sore spots and jeer at them.
    18. Colleagues who complain about the kids but refuse to look at their teaching practices.
    19. My husband’s unemployment.
    20. Weeds and grass invading my flowerbeds. Or perhaps I should drop off my resistance to weeding. Or my insistence on having flowerbeds despite my lack of interest in actually maintaining them.
    21. Homelessness.

    Oh, this is such a great writing prompt. I could go on all day. It doesn’t even feel that negative, because in some cases I’m realizing there are things worth hanging onto, and in other cases, I’m actually thinking beyond my own personal concerns. You could also think of it as letting go of these things we can’t actually change.

  5. 1. Puked on sheets
    2. Puked on bathroom floor
    3. Puked on pillow pets
    4. Laundry, laundry and more laundry!
    5. Legos that hide in every.single.room of my house
    6. A culture fair project from my ADHD son with a learning disability
    7. Dead flowers from last summer that didn’t magically disappear with all the snow!
    8. Crabby people
    9. Unreasonable people
    10. A war that keeps my son far away from those that love him
    Actually, I’d keep all the first 9 if they would just take #10.

  6. Beth – please. you CANNOT drop off the pee in your bathtub or the poop on your lawn because those were such great and creative efforts by your children (um, maybe under Greg’s supervision?)

    I’m dropping off:
    Seizures
    All the friggin meds of all time and places
    grown up clothes that are generally uncomfortable
    all of the calories in chocolate which is a life giving food
    bangs that refuse to grow
    people who don’t do their jobs
    empty cartons that get returned to the fridge (really people?)

  7. 1. Lack of sleep
    2. Myriad intractable illnesses with no known cause or cure
    3. The terribles of two (and probably three), especially the angry that makes me angry, too
    4. The amazing growth rate of baby fingernails
    5. Some easy peasy creme de menthe fudge, in apology for the terribles
    6. A small mountain of stuff that I own for no reason that I’m aware of
    7. The guilt
    8. The ragey, ’cause ragey and babies just don’t mix
    9. Mr Two’s terror about anything new, strange, or even back after a week’s absence
    10. Overthinking everything
    11. My own terror about new things, even when they aren’t new
    12. Miss Almost One’s teething pain
    13. All the things that need more money than we have to spare for them
    14. Endless dirty dishes
    15. Obsessing over little things that are already settled in a satisfactory manner
    16. Obsessing about all the other ones, too
    17. The chin hairs have got to go
    18. Fear and cancer, too
    19. The unbearable, unending ache of loss (25 years should be long enough!)
    20. Cramps and pms and I can’t call it pms because I just had that
    21. The (presumably) stray cat that’s trying to adopt us, but comes in uninvited and sprays my kids’ stuff, and doesn’t get along with the cats we have. Also, won’t let us touch him
    22. War
    23. Feeling inadequate
    24. The stupid things I say to the people I love

    1. 25. All the tasks that involve items that frighten my children. I’m looking at you, vacuuming.

    2. 26. The funny gap between filling and gum, where food gets trapped, the food that gets trapped there, and the smell that goes with it
      27. The smell of toddler poop
      28. The smell of toddler feet
      29. The bugs that make their way into my house
      30. The feeling like I’m going crazy (see #1, 2, 9, 12)
      31. The overbite of doom
      32. Nearsightedness
      33. All the weird theology I keep thinking I’ve left behind
      34. The anger at the people behind the weird theology
      35. The baggage
      36. The hiding places of lost things
      37. Allergies
      38. Poverty, everywhere
      39. The judginess. I do it all the time and it’s stupid
      40. Autocomplete

      Apparently I have a lot more to drop off than I thought!

  8. *My 16 year old. I’ll even let them have a deal: he’s just a temporary drop-off. I will come back to pick him up in 13 years or when he is ready to appreciate all that is done for him, whichever comes first. (Although it will need to be at least 6 years so that we are assured the appreciation is here to stay!)

  9. 1. Sweat
    2. B.O.
    3. Unwanted hair
    4. Selfishness
    5. Alzheimer’s
    6. Wisdom teeth
    7. Poverty
    8. Cavities
    9. The bad smells
    10. Calories and fat
    11. Lack of follow through

    1. 12. Potty training
      13. Allergies
      14. Real life Kobyashi (sp) Maru scenarios

      1. They could even have 75 pounds…

  10. Yippie!! I only have 20 right now, but I reserve the right to come back!
    1. Waking up early
    2. Letting people down.
    3. Feeling like I can’t let people down.
    4. My arbitrary uncontainable work goal.
    5. Fear
    6. Regret
    7. 50 lbs.
    8. Frustration with how easily frustrated I am.
    9. Feeling Powerlessness over bad things in the world.
    10. Laundry.
    11. The smelly poop stained laundry.
    12. Extra trash bags piling up in my garage we have to get rid of slowly because of bag limits.
    13. Unfinished art projects.
    14. Un-started ideas for art projects.
    15.several large pieces of a newly demolished 110 year old piano.
    16. Dishes.
    17. The poopy laundry that has accumulated since #11.
    18. The two games my Cards lost to the Cubs.
    19. The last two Cards/Red Sox’s World Series.
    20. Anything I ever did to impress a boy.

  11. 1. Allergies
    2. Headaches
    3. Periods
    (can you guess how I feel today?)
    4. Thighs
    5. Muffin top
    6. Ability to bite your tongue or lip
    7. Mosquitos
    8. Heart disease
    9. Ants
    6. People who post creepy pictures on FB that you CAN’T un-see
    7. Clutter
    8. Pee smell
    9. Giant, unmaneuverable shopping carts that look like cars so kids will beg to be pushed in them.
    10. Food allergies

    1. #19 – the very first time I let my kids sit in one of those horrid carts, they got Croup (from the sick kid who was in there previously). They are now called “Croup d’Evils” in my house. (croup = evil, car = coup deville)

      1. sorry – I meant #9

    2. My kids are 8 & 10, but have only been with us two years–they constantly beg to ride in those things. I let them once, but never again. I feel so non-therapeutic hissing, “Those are for BABIES!” at them, but c’mon! This should be one of the advantages to adopting older kids, right up there with no diapers!

    3. Oh yea, i’ve got to agree with mosquitos and heart disease!

  12. I am dropping off chin hairs and zits at the same time because really? What is that about? And toilet scrubbing and refrigerator scrubbing and shower scrubbing and floor scrubbing –shoot. ALL the scrubbing. And jeans that are too tight and hips that are too big, and middle-aged wrinkly cleavage (you’re welcome for that visual); and I too will drop off cancer. And fear. All kinds. And making decisions based on money. And hot flashes and migraines.

  13. I live halfway across the country from you, Beth. I hope there’s a branch near me! If not it will be worth the drive anyway! I will drop off:

    1. Waking Up In The Night With My One-Year-Old
    2. ADD
    3. Allergies (or All The Green Dust All Over Everywhere, whichever they accept)
    4. Toys
    5. Kids’ Learning How To Use The Wireless Printer
    6. Prints of Mushroom People All Over The Living Room
    7. All The Gluten
    8. All The Maybe Allergies
    9. All the New Fun Social Issues That Are Friends Of Food Sensitivities
    10. All the Ingredients That Don’t Tell You What They Are
    11. The Kid Who Still Thinks He Has To Use The Bathroom Before Changing Clothes Even Though He Hasn’t Had Accidents In Three Years
    12. Library Fines
    13. More Laundry (if they still need some, I have plenty)
    14. Baby’s Habit Of Climbing Out Of Things
    15. Arm Pain From Carrying Baby All Over The Grocery Store And Pushing The Cart With One Hand

  14. I’m dropping off 1. Sharing stomach bugs with Mom. 2. Driving in circles through a small town, because EVERYBODY has to be somewhere. 3. Empty Gatorade bottles. 4. Holes in the walls.

  15. ok, that is hilarious!!

    1. 1) the stress of being a mom and working 2 jobs 2) a full day of work and back to back evening meetings 3) stress eating 4) cravings even 4+ years after baby 5) baby weight 6) gray hair 7) daily shaving 8) burning toast 9) hard boiled eggs that won’t peel 10) tasteless healthy food 11) lack of energy 12 ) lack of sleep 13) endless laundry 14) endless cleaning 15) tween girls attitude 16) anything # (hashtag) my daughter says 17) being a go between 18) tween hand gestures 19) constantly breaking up 4 year old vs. 6 year arguments oh and last but not least #20) my 12 year old doing the duck face in self is with friends

      1. I have the 4 and 6 year old daily fights too! What gives?

      2. What is up with hard boiled eggs? They almost never peel for me.

        1. Oregon eggs are too fresh to peel well. The ones we got in Chicago were ‘properly aged’ and always peeled well.

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