Let’s Play: Stupidest Things We Did This Week! I’ll Go First.

There’s no point to this post at all. It’s everything that’s wrong with the internet. I mean, I don’t tell you what I had for lunch (a 6″ Subway turkey bacon club, no cheese, with spinach, olives, tomatoes, oil, salt and mayo on wheat), but otherwise, it’s really the epitome of nothing useful and far too much disclosure.

For example. I woke up this morning and wondered if I’d really, actually told you at 3am that I drove my car naked in my 20’s. Sure enough. I did. So… you’re welcome for that, Internets. I do what I can for those of us up in the middle of the night. We are a community, folks, and our middle-of-the-nights are like slumber parties! We’re all awake anyway, and there’s always someone at the party who’s willing to say something uncomfortable. That girl is me, friends. I give and I give.

It’s 1:30pm now, and already today is WAY better than yesterday, for 2 specific reasons.

  1. I didn’t take my sleeping medication by mistake this morning like I did yesterday morning. Instead, today I took the meds I’m SUPPOSED to take in the morning. So I’m, like, totally awake and stuff! And not shooting espresso shots like heroin. Which is a big change from yesterday. HUGE. 
  2. photo (87)My middle school daughter is no longer sitting on the couch inside a giant garbage can, which she’s been doing since Wednesday. Just a giant garbage can, pajamaed legs and a surly attitude. “How’s it going, Miss A?” I’d say, and “You doing OK in there?” She’d say, “I’m FINE. I already told you that.” So, you know; my bad. I mean, she’s probably onto something, because if I’m really honest, sitting inside a garbage can – maybe with a book light, a novel and some serious snacks – being ignored by everyone except an annoying mommy every few hours – sounds pretty great. Maybe when my mommy checks on me, I can get her to bring me a beer.

So. Lest I feel dumb alone, let’s play Stupidest Things We Did This Week. I know we’re supposed to be kind to ourselves and stop all this negative talk, but screw that. We do some stupid stuff, y’all; let’s just embrace it.

I showed you mine. What’ve you got?

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
30 comments
  1. My son answered an algebra question with a drawing of a chameleon catching a fly with his tongue. And I marked it correct.

  2. I put a pot plant into the sink, put in the plug & turned on the tap. And then I walked away, tap still running. And I went into another room. And started playing on my computer …. with headphones on.

    About 90 minutes later my 6yo comes in & says, wide-eyed, Mummy there’s water on the floor of the kitchen. A LOT!

    So I go into the kitchen …. not only is there so much water that I’m expecting Noah to arrive with the ark any minute, but I realize that the robotic vacuum cleaner has gone through the water & is soaked through!

    The next time the kids do something especially brainless, I’m sunk. How do I talk to my children to paying attention to what you’re doing after that?

    1. Plus, you probably ruined your perfectly good weed.

      1. Um, that would be my “potted plant”, not my “pot” plant…

  3. I took my daughter to her first swim lesson. We were running a few minutes early. “We’re here for the 10:40 lesson,” I told the lady at front desk, and gave her my daughter’s name. “Okay, your teacher is Ruben,” she answered.

    My son and I sat in the viewing area waiting for the previous class to end. It kept going and going. Then my son realized that our daughter was actually in one of the groups. Huh, that’s weird. Plus, all the other kids in her group were really little. Huh, that’s weird too.

    It turned out that her class started at 9:40, not 10:40. She just joined Ruben’s little kid class in the middle, and he let her. I was still SURE someone else had made a mistake–it had said 10:40 on today’s calendar for almost two months! But when we got home, someone had sneakily changed it to 9:40. In my handwriting.

  4. I was driving my son (who is six) to his soccer game and I was almost late. Back story: my husband is his soccer coach and was already at the field because we had argued that he was going too early and he said if he left when I wanted them to, they would be late-crazy! So I pull up in the crowded field lot and spot the red team and tell my son to run around to the back field to Daddy because that game must have started early cuz they are already playing. I park my car and walk to the field with my other 2 kids to discover it is a different red team! Those kids were like 13! My son was gone and I was crying till my daughter saw another red team 3 fields over. It was them, my son had told an official he was lost and someone had walked him over. Oh, and he was on the field warming up with his team.apparently he had arrived on time…

  5. My work is 2 blocks from home so I walk to work unless I’m coming from somewhere else (grocery store, coffee shop). The parking lot is on the other side of the building from my house so I never walk through on my way home.

    Today I drove. Eleven hours later, my shift ends and I walk home to find my car is GONE! Where could it be?!?! … My phone rings. It’s my boss. Laughing. “Yes, I’m on my way.” I walk back, head hung in shame.

    1. I live where I work (camp) and yes, I have done this same thing. Left my car across camp and walked home.

  6. I took four chairs from my dining room to a friend’s party this evening. It was a lovely classy girlfriends party with no children! My friend and I were nearly all the way back home afterwards when I realized that I LEFT the chairs behind. I knew I was forgetting something.

  7. This is an awesome game! Thank you for sharing your awesomeness.

    Well, you kind of had to be there, but ‘ll give it a go. Back story: I We make this drink called kombucha, which gets fizzy. Really fizzy if you let it brew too long.

    More back story: So I have a feeling this bottle of “hooch” might be a little extra fizzy, since it’s been hot here lately, so I opened it over the sink. Well. When I opened the bottle the neighbors probably heard the POP, then fizzy health drink fountained out a good FOOT high. But most of it went in the sink and an ice cream bucket sitting on the counter.

    Here is the actual story:

    Hubby suggests that we open the other bottle too, since it must be really pressurized and we don’t know how strong the bottles are. I see that he has a point, and this time I come up with a REALLY SMART PLAN to only open the bottles for a second, then close them, to depressurize them without losing half the bottle of stuff this time.

    (Some of you might have seen these types of bottles, they look like giant beer bottles and have lids like the old canning jars, held on by metal like some kind of lid retainer. Anyway.)

    Off I go to the sink to implement my really smart plan. Phase one goes as expected. Bottle opens with a POW and stuff starts fountaining again, but I’m not worried because I have a Plan to contain the breach, and I am already pressing the wire down for phase two, close the bottle.

    Hey, when you were a kid, did you ever try to stop the water coming out of the garden hose by putting your thumb over it? Did it work for you? ‘Cause when I tried it, water went FRIKKEN EVERYWHERE. In my hair, up my nose, all over my clothes, and the ground of course, but I was outside and it was water, no biggie.

    Back to my kitchen.

    I’ll let your imagination paint my kitchen with kombucha for the most part, with some words to help with scope. Ceiling. Walls. Floor. Oh, did I mention it’s an open floor plan, next to the living room? Carpet. Recliner. Dog. Phone. It had a range of about 12’ (4m).

    It stops fizzing. First words out of Hubby’s mouth. “We should do that outside”.

    Thanks dear.

  8. Well, my stupid thing really started two weeks ago. I “tried” to upgrade a VAIO to Windows 8. Doh! What was I thinking!?! Two weeks later and my computer still isn’t fully functional. (And all of my work, that I need my computer to do, is seriously behind schedule. Sigh.

  9. I decided to forgo sedation for a lengthy dental appointment so I could be my own driver home so my husband could take my one year old to his yearly ophthalmologist appointment. Only I forgot to remind my husband of the plan, and the phone message/text message reminder from the eye doctor was not enough to stir my brain. So I gripped the dentist seat like a sailor on a sinking ship and got home to find my husband and son playing Thomas trains on the floor. In my defense I made the appointment in June, and the reminders came on a Sunday for a Wednesday appointment and those three days might as well be a year. Hopefully his eyes are OK because I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to call Casey Eye Institute and beg for a new appointment.

    1. Oh my, making appointments with Casey is a nightmare. We take our two teenagers there.

  10. I love it. All of it.
    I am sharing my husband’s because he wins this week. Last night, I heard some expletives coming from the bathroom. I peeked around the corner and he filled me in. Seems he had grabbed the toothpaste and squirted it into his hands instead of soap to wash up.
    Toothpaste is sticky, yo. But minty, so that’s good.

  11. I let my children have the use of my iPad and my 7 year old daughter has discovered she can buy Littlest Petshops online. I no longer have an excuse for why we can’t go shopping and buy that thing she wants. She’s discovered we an buy it sitting at home on our couch.

  12. well… I can totally relate to driving naked except I wasnt driving. I always running around the house (when nieces are away) in a tshirt and nothing else or just a towel after my shower. So FEDEX knocks and I open the door in my above the waist tshirt and NOTHING else!! I think he was more embarrassed than I was because it wasn’t until I signed and shut the door that I realized WHY he was blushed and his eyes were huge! I never answer the door for him anymore. Just “leave it on the porch” is what the forever posted note on the door says. Ugh…!!

  13. I lost my one-year-old at the playground. It’s a terrible playground for losing children–walls and things. Too many exits. I went around one of the walls but he wasn’t there. I was debating looking through the hidden garden when I happened to walk past him sitting in the stroller. I put him there with a snack.

    In case that’s not stupid enough for you, 20 minutes before that I looked around and didn’t see him. I found him before I got up from my bench, though–I was nursing him.

    1. Rebekah, you have made my day. Been there, done that!

  14. I just got home from the grocery store and discovered my 5 week old baby without her carseat buckled. I took her out to escort the other two into the bathroom. All the groceries were piled around the bucket seat in the cart so I could not take it out without all the groceries tumbling about. My first strike with almost killing this baby!

    1. I also did the no seatbelt thing a couple of times to my absolute horror! Luckily, when my daughter was one and we forgot (that’s right both parents in the car) she started yelling “Not Safe, Not Safe” at the top of her lungs. Maybe you can train the older ones to check everyone’s belt for you.

      1. “Kids! Is the baby in the car?? Is his seatbelt buckled??” –me, for the first two months after we brought our newest baby home.

  15. I went to pick up an online order at Michael’s, thought, “What the hell, I need some other stuff”, dragged three kids through the store, got up to the register with my arms full of canvas and cardstock (“It’s just a couple things, I don’t need a cart.”), and discovered I’d left my wallet at home.

    1. Still doing this about twice a year! Uggh! the worst!

    2. I have gotten all the way to the store with all my kids (3) and forgotten a very formiddable list! The store is 20ish mins away. Loaded them back up, drove home to get the @#$% list, gotten the horrendous trip done and loaded it all into the car, only to find that i walked thru the store and took my wallet out of my canvas bags then still carried said bags out of the store still on my shoulder!!!

      I feel your pain sister 🙂

  16. I tried to catch a little nap on the couch this morning by plugging my children into Netflix and letting them mainline “Ruby Gloom” (which, by the way, is an adorable show).

    But it turns out I had forgotten that we had a leftover container of wonton sauce in the fridge.

    Which is like my 3-year-old’s FAVORITE condiment.

    And no, he had no trouble helping himself to it and covering himself, his clothes, his brother, my computer, and the floor of the ONLY carpeted room in our house with sticky red goo.

    Did I mention that we have an ant problem? Yeah.

    1. Oooooh, you have an ant problem. I am so cringing for you right now. Eeps!

  17. This may not be completely relatable, but I do voice over work (radio, TV, educational, etc) and I was in the middle of a fairly large project for a college history web site, narrating essays on American history. I’m talking standing in front of a microphone for at least an hour per piece. Gets loooooonnng. At one point, the cat came into the room and made a ton of noise. Rather than edit the mayhem (and my less than lady-like language) out of the piece, I stopped the recorder, chased the cat and started over. About 35 minutes into it, I realized that the recorder never started and I had to do it ALL again. It’d be like thinking you hit save after writing a chapter of a book only to realize that you hit delete.

  18. I double booked myself for work/fun with kids today, after thinking my client hadn’t contacted me. Turned out she had been the first to contact me, a couple of weeks ago, and I hadn’t booked it in my calendar aka my second brain. Oh, and I should probably start checking my work email as I have yet more work today that I found out about last night after a frantic text message.

    1. I have done that several time, in the past couple of months. I have learned not to go without coffee in crazy hectic times

  19. I managed to make cupcakes and forget to put the mixture in cupcake cases. Yep just spooned it right into the little wells on the tray. Did I realise straight away? No. Did I realise when I took them out of the oven? No. I only realised something was different to normal when trying to cut the third one off the tray and even then it didn’t occur to me immediately.

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