Remind me to never get Botox. I mean, YOU can, but my face isn’t responsible enough.

Oct 16 2014

I made a video for you yesterday while my tongue, lips and facial muscles were still frozen after dental work. The dentist worked on the top teeth – both sides – and bottom left. So, like, my whole mouth minus the teeth on the bottom right which he fixed last month.

The dentist said I need to knock it off with the soda. I said, self-righteously, I don’t drink soda. He said I probably ought to knock off the coffee, then. I said I’ll go ahead and hand over all my teeth right now as long as I can keep my coffee. I said keeping the coffee is tantamount to keeping my children, since I’m doubtful I can parent without it. I said coffee is a spiritual practice and he probably shouldn’t go around maligning people’s religions like that. I said none of those things because his hands were in my mouth, but I think my whimpering gave him the gist.

After the dentist, I went to volunteer at my kids’ school.

I practiced smiling first, because, you know – frozen face.

USUALLY, my smile looks like this.

photo 2 (75)

But this time, it looked like this.


And like this.


And, when I used my fingers to help, it looked like this:


So I decided to volunteer at the elementary school without smiling. On the down side, I’m pretty sure there are some kids who are now frightened of me since I kept forgetting not to smile and ended up grimacing at them instead. On the bright side, I sat with a bunch of 2nd grade boys for lunchtime, and I couldn’t drink from the tiny carton of milk without dribbling it down my front, so there are some kids who think I’m funnier than God.

That’s when I made you this video, which is mostly just self-serving because I realized I may need you to remind me in the future to never, ever, ever get Botox.



I mean, I’m not opposed to those of you who use Botox. Knock yourselves out. You inject poison into your face, I eat off-brand mac and cheese with its fake orange dye and delicious, dehydrated cheese product and simple carbohydrates; who am I to judge? And I don’t ever expect to have the extra funds available for Botox, but just in case I accidentally invent the next Microsoft or Google or a whole new internal organ that neutralizes cheese product ( <– someone invent this! ), I wanted to make sure to record this so I remember why some of us need facial expressions more than others.


P.S. I couldn’t remember what those teeth that aren’t molars are called. Now I remember they’re just called teeth. That’s why I’m a writer; because I’m so good at words.