Vote YES on Penises (UPDATED)

Oct 28 2014

Vote YES on Penises:
A Poem for Election Season

“Hey, Mom?” said the 8-year-old.
“Yes?” said I.
“Are you gonna vote?”
“OF COURSE,” I replied.

“How ’bout for penises?”
He looked at me.
I thought and I thought.
“For penises?” said me.

“For penises,” he said. 
And I replied,
“I’m very pro-penis,”
and I didn’t lie.

But I sure was confused,
so I asked him, “Why?”
Then he pointed to the curb
with the pro-penis sign.

We were in the car.
We were going kind of fast.
It was hard to see
as we blew on past.


Blurry and fuzzy,
I could barely make it out.
But it looked like a penis;
there was very little doubt.

So I turned to my son,
and I said, “Look, kid!
See the penis on that sign??”
And he cried, “I DID!”

“I been trying to tell you,”
he indignantly said.
While we passed more signs
with balls and a head.

Election season’s here.
Full of good and the bad.
There are well-intentioned people,

We are certainly divided,
Which make us sad.
We must find common ground
Wherever it be had.

So let’s look to the penis.
On this we can agree.
Penises are awesome!
They’re a hose for a he.

So here’s our slogan
(It is time to promote),
That’s our vote.

P.S. I’m so sorry about the poetry. It accidentally fell out of me. I think we should just take this moment to be grateful this doesn’t happen more often.

YesOnPenises2P.P.S. Here’s the real sign. I suggest you print it out, put it up in your hallway and then run past it REALLY FAST. I am telling you, this drawing is a DEAD RINGER for a penis when you’re zipping on by. 

P.P.P.S. Oregon’s Measure 92 is currently trailing in the polls. Frankly, I think they’d do better if they simply explained they’re pro-penis. 

P.P.P.P.S. This is not an endorsement of Measure 92. 

P.P.P.P.P.S. This is not not an endorsement of Measure 92. I’m sure its organizers are very wonderful people who just like to draw phallic salmons and apples. 

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Actually, if Measure 92’s organizers are very wonderful people who just like to draw phallic salmons and apples, I’m pretty sure this is an endorsement of Measure 92 because those sound like my kind of people. 

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Regardless, this IS an endorsement of penises. 


UPDATE: I thought about including a message with this post to explain that being PRO-penis is not being ANTI-woman. I am PRO-woman. And PRO-man. And PRO-person. But I didn’t include that in the original post because a) if I started giving all the disclaimers and clarifications I probably should, we’d never have time for all the weird stuff, and b) I figured you’re all smart people who understand, logically speaking, that including one thing in a set (i.e. penises) does not imply the exclusion of other things (i.e. vaginas). And you ARE all smart people who understand that, which I know because the people who believe I’m anti-woman and anti-vagina have unliked and unfollowed this site and let me know that they will never read it again and neither will their children or their children’s children or their children’s children’s children, which is really best since this site wasn’t developed with child readers in mind and they apparently had a LOT of children reading it.

Now, normally I don’t care if people unlike and unfollow this site; not because I don’t care about them — I DO care about them; I just happen to think it’s fine to have different opinions, and I don’t have any particular investment in forcing others to believe mine — but, in this case, it’s really too bad they stopped reading because they’re going to miss this next part where I promote boobs.

Now, I’m not personally running a pro-boobs campaign, and, as far as I know, there isn’t a pro-boobs measure on the ballot like the pro-penis measure in Oregon, but — BUT — there is a school district in Georgia that’s teaching children about boobs as part of their formal curriculum. A district that believes so much in pro-boob education, they made it part of their logo. Maybe. I mean, one can only assume that was the point of the logo.


In conclusion, lest you think I’m ONLY pro-penis, I’m balancing out this post with boobs. It’s only fair.