An Essay on Being Supportive (and on Boobs)

You know how people post things on the World Wide Webs that are TOTALLY Too Much Information, and you’re all, “Oh MY GOSH. STOP,” and “GEEZ,” and “What ever happened to people having a SENSE OF DECORUM and NOT SHARING All the Things with strangers??” Yeah, well; if you’re nodding your head in understanding right now, you should probably stop reading. Because I care about you, and it’s OK that we’re different from each other, and, also, I’m about to talk about boobs. 

As for the rest of you who are still reading, you have only yourselves to blame; if you treated me like a stranger instead of a friend, maybe I’d get the message already, but you keep hanging out here in my living room, and so I tell you the things I tell my girlfriends in secret. This is on YOU, friend. On you.

Here’s the sitch:

My boobs have been falling out of my bras lately. 

When I twist, when I raise my hands above my head, when I bend over, whoop, there they go, just… falling on out the bottom like they have places to go and people to see. 

Like they’ve packed their bags and are waving good-bye. 

Like they’re late for the airport, and yelling at the cab driver to step on it, man, and looking at each other saying, if we RUN through security, we can BARELY MAKE OUR FLIGHT; go, Go, GO!

Now, I know what the problem is. Beyond gravity and aging, I mean. The problem is I’m cheap, and I hate shopping, and bra shopping is almost as bad as jeans shopping (psst… go to MakeYourOwnJeans.com <– not an ad; I just love them), so when I bought the wrong bra size initially — a little too big around the rib cage — I didn’t exchange my purchases or buy new ones, because UGH. Just ugh. And also, ugh. 

I decided I’d make them work. With a few surreptitious adjustments here and there, and trips to the bathroom to give the serial runaways another lift home, the bras have been fine. Not great, but fine, and, I’ll be honest; “fine” is a step above my otherwise low undergarments standards, so it was kind of a win. 

I recently dropped a few pounds, though. Very few, but some, and between the wrong size to begin with and the reduction of  back fat holding the harness in place, my breasts have become something of a social hazard. 

It was time to replace the bras.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of giving my darling husband all the background info on why I was headed to the store to make new purchases.

He offered an alternative.

“HEY!” Greg said, “Instead of you buying new bras, how about I follow you around watching for escapees? I can catch them and put them back! Quick as lightening! Like a Dog Catcher except for boobs! A Ninja Boob Catcher! Or… OR, BETTER YET, I’ll just follow you around the house and hold them in place for you. Because I care, Beth. Because I will literally always support you.” 

Greg is such a good helper.

Also, I bought new bras.

Also-also, there’s no greater point to this story. That was it. The whole thing. THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE INTERNETS, friends. And so, so right. 

Also-also-also, we have a new shirt in the 5 Kids Store online.

It looks like this:

Hands

I call it the “Let’s Support Each Other” shirt because that’s what this site is all about. BEING SUPPORTIVE.

Interestingly, my brother, who’s in charge of the 5 Kids Store because I promised him if he was really, really diligent he’d someday earn an entire packet of gum, created that shirt even though I did NOT tell him about my boob situation. (Hey! Score one for me being socially appropriate!)

No; he was creating THIS shirt…

WavingShirt

… about Waving in the Dark, because that’s what we do here together. We talk about the ridiculous. We talk about the important. We sit together in the dark, waiting for dawn to come, and we send each other love through it all.  

Yes, he was creating THAT shirt which is lovely and sweet and a poignant reminder, when he accidentally made THIS one, too…

Hands

“Oops.” 

Yeah.

Mm hm.

In conclusion, my boobs fell out of my bra, my husband and brother are super mature, and you can buy socially inappropriate, glow-in-the-dark t-shirts here

I’d apologize for all of that except I’ve decided to stop apologizing for who we are. 

Love to you and yours, no matter how immature they be,

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
20 comments
  1. Get fitted in a shop (even less expensive department stores usually have a bra fitter in this country and I am sure it’s the same with you) and stop making me laugh so much! No, keep making us laugh

  2. Hi, piece of information
    new synonym for HILARIOUS is BETH!
    thanks for the good laugh…..

  3. This is the moment when I earn your eternal chagrin by volunteering that I gave up on all bra shopping 5 years ago and never looked back.

    I did make some bralettes from t-shirt jersey at first, but now I’m using linen and silk wraps instead.

    I have no words to describe how much my life has improved as a result.

    Bra shopping is TERRIBLE.

    1. Genius!

  4. I have been reading you for a long time and I just adore your writing – so true, so honest. Thank you! Loved the intro warning – too fun. Keep it up girl! (see what I did there? your boobs fall out the bottom? HA HA )

  5. I am a long time and *very* happy customer of breakoutbras dot com. I wear a 34G UK size (yes, you read that correctly). They have a HUGE (ha ha) selection. I’m particularly fond of Panache. And they have loads of gorgeous bras in *all* sizes.

  6. You have inspired me to order new bras.

  7. You always keep me smiling sweetie and I’ll keep right on reading your blog til I’m 99 or the Lord comes first
    Love you,
    Aunt Betty

  8. Same problem here! It takes major searching to find bras that actually fit, so when I DO find a good fit I buy at least four of them even if it costs a small fortune. Then I wear them for years and years and years until they are totally stretched out and the elastic has no snap to it anymore. Of course the style that fit so well at the beginning is no longer being made, so I’ve got to start the search all over again. A bunch of my less well-endowed friends are going bra-less these days. But there’s no way my triple DDDs are going to be allowed to run free even though my husband would also be willing to quit his job just to “support” them.

  9. I long for those things that fall out of a bra, wait, I’d be happy to even need a bra after nursing my 5 kids, ain’t nothing to hold anymore here. Thanks for the laugh!

  10. I have the same issues with bras. If um not falling out of the bottom I’m falling over the top. I have FINALLY found a size that fits properly. Now of only they were comfortable. ..not itchy or binding or too thin or too thick.

  11. Ah yeah, Danielle beat me too it, but my dear husband also offers the same services… Not quite as handy (<– see what I did there!) when you're trying to do things around the house though.

    He and Greg must be related or something…

  12. There is nothing better than getting a professional bra fitting. The bras are expensive but they last forever and damn they feel great!

    1. So true! Just went shopping for bras. Took time to be properly fitted and so glad I did. Hopefully, won’t have to go back for another 10 years!!

  13. Oh, Beth, you beautiful tropical fish. <3

  14. Maybe if my boobs were falling out of my bra I’d have a guy following me around hoping for a job… oh wait that’s probably not the kind of guy I really want.

  15. BETH! Did you know there is a company that will send you bras to try on AT HOME?!?!? You keep the ones you like and return the ones you don’t! My friend, Joy, told me about them!! You can contact Joy here: https://www.facebook.com/braladyjoy for more info! (Also.. they are fabulous and so is Joy! So much so that she is called The Bra Lady!)

  16. Hey, I’m kind of cheap about bras as well,but I’m a hard-to-find size. A few years back, someone posted an awesome bra-fitting article to Pinterest from Reddit. The short version is- measure while wearing no bra, and bend at the waist so your boobies are hanging straight toward the floor. Also, British sizes are more consistent than American sizes. And, most importantly, you can often find British brands like Freya and Curvy Kate brand new with tags on eBay for a fraction of the store price. And they’re way cuter than the usual stuff in my size! Just in case, for next time.

  17. Funny, my husband makes the same suggestion about my falling-out-of-my-bra boobs.

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