There’s Such a Thing as Being TOO Efficient

Mar 6 2015

There’s such a thing as being TOO efficient which I just discovered, um, experientially.

Look; I know that’s a hard sell, because TOO efficient? How can efficiency be bad? Like, EVER? And, trust me, I know the demands on our time and the number of things we have to get done — the dishes, the laundry, the jobs; the poopy bottoms, the owie kisses, the fights to break up; the lunches, the dinners, the incessant snacks; the snuggles, the sweat, the stories; not to mention the email boxes, the grocery shopping, the tiny tasks that are death by a thousand paper cuts, and the various demands to be a good — or, OK, passable for those of us setting a more realistic bar — wife, daughter, friend, employee, mama and more. 

Because there’s always more, right?? So Much More; I know this, I do, and I can sympathize, down to my cherry red toenails, with the need to Do All the Things and Do Them Right Now or else Fall Further Behind, which is, I swear, one of the 9 Circles of Dante’s Hell. 

“Further Behind.” Ugh. It’s the 5th Circle of Hell in the modernized version of Dante’s Inferno we shall call WE ARE WAY TOO BUSY, MAN.

Dante’s 9 Circles of Hell for Those of Us Who Are WAY Too Busy:

  1. Busy
  2. Way Too Busy 
  3. Behind
  4. Really Behind
  5. Further Behind
  8. Whatever. I Don’t Even Care Anymore. Sleep Was Overrated, Anyway.
  9. Almost Caught Up, which is the worst one of all because IT DECEIVES US into thinking Caught Up is possible

On the bright side, I hear the beer is really good in Hell. Microbrewies, like, EVERYWHERE. Warm, yes, but, still, BEER.

Nevertheless, some of us live in the 9 Circles; we’re at least Way Too Busy, and so we think — we think — if we just TRY HARD ENOUGH and are More Efficient, we can work our way out.

Now, I’m not saying efficiency is always bad. Efficiency has its place. I’m just saying All Things in Moderation, friends.

Because there will come a time in life — there will — when you’re trying to Do All the Things and Do Them Right Now, and you will find yourself rushing into the public restroom to take a quick potty break you Do Not Think you have time to take, and you will discover yourself EFFICIENT-ing your time without even thinking about it by unbuckling your belt and undoing your jeans button and unzipping your pants before — BEFORE —  you actually arrive inside the stall and close the door and have things like, you know, the PRIVACY to undress. 

You will, somewhere in your subconscious, think this is a good use of time. 

You will, somehow, believe undoing your pants pre-stall makes sense.

You will, on some level, be confident you are saving precious seconds you can use later, and that this will get you ahead

Interestingly, as you are rushing, fly open, you will notice you are NOT ALONE in the restroom. Of course you’re not alone. OF COURSE NOT. You are not alone, and your FLY IS OPEN because YOU opened it, at which point you will have two choices, as follows:

  1. Ignore the social ramifications of the situation and pretend it’s entirely normal to prepare for pottying in such a manner, or 
  2. Twist quickly to the side, away from the other restroom occupant, and both subtly and gracefully pull your shirt down over your pants so she doesn’t notice. 

OBVIOUSLY, you will go with Option #2, and OBVIOUSLY you will accidentally slam your knee into the cabinet on the wall of said restroom, totally wrecking both subtle and graceful, but ROCKING “distracting” which turns out to be a serendipitously effective alternative.

Anyway, friends, the point is, there’s such a thing as being TOO efficient, TOO multitasky, and TOO ahead of game. I know in our busy world with too much to do, it can be hard to believe — nay, impossible —  that it’s better NOT to do All the Things Simultaneously, but there are Certain Circumstances where that’s TRUE, friends. 

True truth. 

Which I share because I love you.