Why We Have So Many Kids

Mar 3 2015

It finally happened. My kids asked why we have so many of them. 

“Why did you and Dad have so many kids, Mom?” they asked, because five kids is a lot of kids, and it only took them, like, eight years to notice.

Now let me just say, I’ve promised my kids for years they can ask me anything, and I’ll tell them the truth, no matter how embarrassing or detailed or distasteful it is, which works MAGIC with sex ed, of course, because after just one reeeeeally thorough sex answer including words like Mom and Dad and secrete and thrust and “as often as possible” and “yes, usually while you’re home, otherwise we’d never get to,” and “no, we’re not always going to ‘at least wait for you to be away for a sleepover’ but thank you for the suggestion,” they stop asking me about sex and start asking their friends on the playground again which is the way God intended us to get our information. 

So when my kids asked, “Why did you and Dad have so many kids, Mom?” I said, “We didn’t mean to,” and “It wasn’t our fault,” and “We intended to have 2 or maybe 3 kids like reasonable people,” but then I felt bad for basically telling them they’re here because their parents are poor planners so I made it better by saying, “Just kidding. We’re raising you kids as a food source in case of the zombie apocalypse, and, because we’re good planners who think ahead and prepare for emergencies, we have FIVE of you so Dad and I don’t go hungry. You know that box of emergency supplies we keep in Aden’s closet? The one the size of a tool box with a wind-up radio, a box of matches, two flashlights, some dead batteries, and six packages of ramen? Yeah,” I scoffed, “like that’s gonna work. I mean, you had to know we have a better plan, right? Right??” 

And because these children are my children (and because I’ve already ruined their minds by telling them with the truth about sex — the Biggest Horror Story of All), they immediately sold each other out by pitching me Key Reasons Dad and I Should Eat the Other Children First — just a HUGE, cascading list of back-stabbing and betrayal — which is why I’m currently in possession of a list I’m fairly certain can get me arrested, including information like which of my children has the highest food value, which has the most optimal meat-to-body-weight ratio, and the beginnings of a geometric grid for plotting each child on an X-Axis which shows Liability on one end vs. Usefulness on the other and a Y-Axis which is a sliding scale from Very Appetizing to Not Very Appetizing at all. 

In conclusion, five kids is a lot of kids which, it turns out, is going to be incredibly useful during the zombie apocalypse. Also, my geometry teacher was right; I really was going to need that whole plotting-a-graph information some day! Who knew??