UPDATED with Winners: Worst Contest Ever

Hey! You know how you go on vacation with your five kids, and one starts puking, and you’re all, “Dear Jesus, please, please, please let this be food poisoning or an anxiety attack or anything other than a bug that’s going to take us all down” and then Jesus forgets about that whole Wave a Magic Wand and Make Everything Better part of his contract, and a second kid starts puking and you’re all, “OH MY GOSH, JESUS, WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS,” but Jesus is all, “It doesn’t matter how many time you TELL me to be a Magic Wand, Beth; still not my gig,” so you hold the bucket for Kid Number Two and rub his back and tell him All the Poor Babies and All the I’m So Sorrys and have a minor crisis of faith, because JESUS CHRIST, and then you remember that Jesus said to Love Each Other well, and didn’t give any cool bonus features with that command — not Love and You Will Be Loved, not Love and Then I’ll Wave My Magic Wand, not Love and Everything Will Fall Into Place, just Love Period — and you realize that’s exactly what you’re doing at 3:00am with Kid Number Two? You’re exhausted, and you’re in a hotel room, and you’re beginning to have wall-to-wall pukers, and your husband can sleep through anything, and you’re sure you’re coming down with the pukes because there’s nothing like the sound and smell of vomit to make you want to do it, too, but you manage be Love anyway? You know how THAT happens?

YES, ME, TOO.

In conclusion, Jesus is a sometimes a sneaky JERK with his agenda.

Also in conclusion, I write very long run-on sentences when I’m tired.

Also-also in conclusion, one of my besties suggested we play Clue: Woolsey Puker Edition, which is just like a regular game of Clue except instead of trying to deduce who murdered whom with what in what room (which is too easy because I murdered Greg with a pillow in our hotel room WHILE HE SLEPT THROUGH ALL THE PUKING*), we try to figure out which Woolsey will puke next, where, and into/onto what.

Clue: Woolsey Puker Edition

What We’ve Already Learned: 

1. Ian, in the minivan, rim shot into the gallon ziplock baggy.
Also acceptable are the following:
Ian, in the bathroom, mostly into the toilet,
Ian, at Craker Lake National Park, under a fir tree, and
Ian, in the hotel room, into the garbage can.

2. Cael, in the hotel room, into the ice bucket.

What Players Are Left:

1. Greg
2. Beth
3. Abby
4. Aden
5. Cai
6. Grandma
7. Grandpa
8. Zoey the Service Dog

Locations:

We’re in Southern Oregon for the next four days and will be making a day trip to the Redwoods in California.
Feel free to use your imagination for puking sites; after all, that’s what we do!

How to Enter:

Leave your guess!
Include 3 parts:
1. Who will puke
2. Where
3. Into/onto what.

THERE WILL BE TWO PRIZES: ONE for the person who guesses closest, and one for the person who guesses funniest, because DEAR GOD, WE NEED A LAUGH.

It may not be a great prize, but it will NOT be puke, so Win/Win!
I’ll probably mail you some local (uncontaminated by Woolsey hands, I promise) Oregon chocolate. Or something. I don’t know. I’m open to suggestions.

I cannot wait to see your entries. Cannot WAIT.

With Love as endless as the Woolsey germs,

Signature

*P.S. Greg got up with all the kids and let me sleep in. I shall hold off smothering him with a pillow for another night.

UPDATED: We are three days post-puke-fest, and in a SHOCKING twist, we’ve had NO NEW PUKERS. (I know, I know; now that I’ve typed this out loud, it’s a’comin’, but that’ll have to be a story for another time.)

Our winners are as follows:

1. The person who got closest to NO NEW PUKERS is Ami of MommyPig.com who writes, “Ugh. So sorry. I get really pissed when Jesus doesn’t stop the puking. I mean seriously, we’re not talking curing leprosy or raising the dead here; help a mother out. I pray there will be NO MORE PUKING BY ANYONE AT ALL. EVER.” 

2. The person who wins for funniest comment is Katie with, “Ooh! Ooh! I’ll use my real life experience with my pukey pants sister to predict a future trend for the Woolseys. I predict Cai will puke on the back of Cael’s head in the middle of the night. The next day, Aden will puke in Abby’s lap in the car. In conclusion,younger siblings are rude and puke on older siblings, and then your mean mom won’t let you be mad at your little sister, because it’s not her fault she gets car sick, even though she could have chosen to puke in her OWN lap. But I’m not still bitter 26 years later or anything.” Heh heh. This is something that would TOTALLY happen to us.

Ami and Katie, send your address to me at fivekidsisalotofkids@gmail.com with the subject line “I WON,” and I’ll send you your prizes!

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
40 comments
  1. Well, Beth (and Greg, if you’re driving, which you should be since Beth is obviously busy with other things here), you might want to have all receptacles handy on the 199, if that’s the route you take, and it should be, to get to the redwoods. Soon after you cross the border into California, you’ll encounter a very winding road for several miles, hit a nice straight spot, and then another 10 miles, give or take, of winding. If the bug doesn’t get them, the curves very well could. Unless you pile everyone in the front seat, which does not seem like the best idea now that I think of it. BTW, somewhere around Klamath, on the west side of the road is a smoked salmon stand with the best smoked salmon ever. Also, stop in Trinidad if you can, and wave to my Mama as you pass McKinleyville. Oh! and frozen yogurt! The best ever in Arcata at the Redwood Yogurty. 1535 G St. You’re welcome.

  2. I’m sorry; I can’t play. If I do it will be Cathie in the big comfy recliner.

  3. Wow! I’ve TOTALLY played this game before!! Only it was me against 5 precious children ages 11 months to 10 years. We started with Aaron, (11) at the cash register at Taco Bell in The Dalles. Over the next 2 days and 800 miles to Grandma’s house we also managed to christen the wonderful covered wagons in Baker City, the tipis at Farewell Bend, a nice hotel in Boise, and multiple inside the van hits and misses. The baby waited until she could crawl over me at the end of day one and puked on my face. I lasted until we made it to Grandma’s house. NOT a fun game to play. Memories, Beth, Memories.

  4. Erin thinks it will be Aden, all over the car window before you even have a chance to roll it down.
    Page thinks Aden will create a new crater at Crater Lake.
    We both hope neither comes true.

  5. I vote Cai,puking into a tube sock, in the hotel room! Whew.
    Puke-offs are just horrible, aren’t they?

  6. Guess how I learned that the ice buckets at Disneyworld’s luxurious Polynesian Resort aren’t lined? Guess. Because I had to make the decision whether to throw it away or leave it well rinsed and with an apologetic note. My hope for you is nobody else will get sick anywhere but girl, I am a realist and I go with Cai onto his lap in the car (with splashage onto the floor mats, seats if they are fabric and certianly shoes). But I hope not. (BTW, my follow up was older brother 10,000 feet over Boston into an air sickness bag – mostly. That’s where I learned to be a realist)

  7. Beth, in the hotel, onto Grey (as he sleeps) followed by Greg, in the bathroom upon realizing that Beth is pregnant again. Do I get double points for if one of these is right? Or banned for spreading the baby bug that’s taken over all of my friends and family? Please don’t ban me for forever! It’s this darn baby bug, it’s as dangerous as contagious as the puker bug. I like to imagine that we’ll travel out to Oregon someday and be awesome friends in real life. Because you have all the good words that I want to say.

    1. *onto Greg… Not Grey (Unless Grey is the clerk at your next hotel). Durn you, Auto Correct.

      *as dangerous AND contagious as… This is why I shouldn’t type on my phone while my husband drives. The whole stream of consciousness thing conflicts with my need for order.

      Most importantly, I’m hoping the puke bug has gotten bored with your family by now and that the rest of your trip is restful. Mostly because *I* need rest, so I’m wishing everyone I like restful days this summer.

      Not important at all in the grand scheme of things, I finally figured out that you have a blog shop and I love it. Can you tell Jeff to add fridge magnets? Pretty please? We’re a fridge magnet kind of family. Mostly because magnets don’t show pit stains, leaky boob stains, or pooplosion evidence. Also I sometimes cannot handle deciding which coffee cup to use – it’s my own special Mombie symptom.

  8. OMG, I feel your pain. (Oddly enough, I was just talking the other day with a fellow grandma and we were both acknowledging being “okay” with poo but having a very hard time with vomit. Which probably explains why “I pooped my closet” is one of my all-time favorite posts of yours and this one makes me a little queasy!)

    But, in the interest of fair play (well, any kind of play) I’ll go for it — I say Cai (the whole twin thing, ya know), in the Redwoods, all over whoever is sitting next to him in the car.

    May I offer the unsolicited advice of Bonine — chewable anti-motion-sickness medicine, much better in my experience (as someone who spent several years at sea and never stopped being violently seasick) than Dramamine. You know, just in case all the throwing up is actually carsick related and not some sort of nasty bug.

    Hang in there and hope you all have a wonderful vacation despite the puking!

    –arden–

  9. Grandma on the zip line during the park visit into Beth’s hair.

  10. Oh, Beth, I do feel bad for you. Being from Oregon myself, I started to get nauseous as soon as I figured out that you were talking about Crater Lake, but with all that puking going on, “Cracker” Lake makes more sense. I have been through the winding mountain roads of Southern Oregon and Northern California, while they may be beautiful to the eyes of adults, trust me, they are not so fun on tiny tummies. /oP But after the wheels stop spinning, and everything else has a chance to settle, that is some of God’s most beautiful country and the Redwood’s are Awe Inspiring!! Hope you and your family enjoyed your trip. Next time be sure to have a Bucket List for every family member! 😉

  11. I say Beth. Into an airlines bag. And then the bag bursts. Oh wait…already happened in real life. #funnynotfunny? #toosoon?

  12. Cai, in the hotel room, into what he *thinks* is a garbage bag but is *actually* a bag of laundry.

    Love you, lady. Strength and perseverance and (oh Maude please) oodles of ravenous white blood cells to you and all your people, but especially the grown-ups.

  13. I am going to go with Aden, in the car, on the floor and on everyone and everything around her and NOT in whatever receptacle anyone manages to find within the 15 second warning period.

  14. I think it will be Cai (because twins and because I have a Cai too) on you in your hotel room bed, because you will have just fallen asleep and he will be trying to wake up to tell you he feels sick too. Because that’s when my Cai wakes me up…just as I’m falling asleep. EVERY TIME. But my Cai is only seven months old, so I’ll allow it.

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