This Isn’t a Real Post Unless You Need to Know, Like I Did, That There’s a Town in Austria Named F*cking. In That Case, It’s an Extra Real Post and You Should Read It Right Away.

I’ve been offline for a while because I’m in Europe with my oldest kid thanks to plane tickets from my parents. THANK YOU, MY PARENTS.

We’re visiting our friends, Mark and Carina, in the Netherlands and making day trips from there. I met Carina through this blog years ago. She became my Dutch pen pal, and I love her times a million. In two weeks, she and Mark are loading up their four kids to come visit us in Oregon, proving she’s at least as nutjobby as me. Wheeee!

So we’ve been go-go-going for days hereabouts, and I haven’t made time in the scramble to write to you.

On the down side, I’m so tired I can’t think or move.

On the bright side, EUROPE.

Also on the bright side, CARBS. Dutch pancakes, Belgian waffles, baguettes, croquettes and beer for DAYS.

Also-also on the bright side, and this is the reason I realized I MUST WRITE YOU, I learned there’s a town in Austria called Fucking.

Ladies and gentlemen, there’s a town in Austria called Fucking.

Fucking.

A whole Fucking town.

THIS IS WHY WE TRAVEL, friends. Because WE CARE ABOUT LEARNING THINGS.

And when we learn things we can share those things with others.

Sharing time is a happy time, which is why I knew I had to tell you:

There’s a town in Austria called Fucking.

Furthermore, and I think you’ll agree this is a critical detail, there’s a town in Germany called Titmoning.

Titmoning, guys.

Pronounced tit moning.

And guess what? Guess what?

You have to go through Titmoning to get to Fucking.

I KID YOU NOT.

The 14-year-old boy child who lives perpetually in my brain rejoices. Hard. Also, he giggles and claps.

I mean, sure, there are other routes to Fucking. OF COURSE there are. There are other routes to Fucking; it’s just that Titmoning is obviously one of the better ways to get there.

This is, like, totally a conversation they have in Europe:

“What is the best way to get to Fucking?”

“Well, there are several routes, but I’d definitely go through Titmoning.”

Heh heh.

Mark says it only takes about 15 minutes to get from Titmoning to Fucking. Frankly, I think Mark may be a little optimistic, but what do I know?

In conclusion, this world is a wonderful place, and I’m very glad I get to live in it.

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P.S. I wish I’d had this information a couple years ago. Then when my kids asked me what fucking is, I could’ve told them it’s a town in Austria. Opportunity missed, folks. Opportunity missed.

P.P.S. There’s a brewery in Fucking. They make two kinds of beer: Fucking beer and Fucking Hell. This is important because it means, practically speaking, next time you want to give someone Fucking Hell, YOU LITERALLY CAN.

P.P.P.S. Lots of new people have been coming to the blog lately to read about Jesus — the Why I Quit Loving the Sinner and Hating the Sin post. I felt like I should maybe apologize to them for writing about Fucking, Austria, but then I realized they’re either a) Jesusy people with a sense of humor, b) non-Jesusy people with a sense of humor, or c) Jesusy people looking for other heretical things I say so they can discount all of what I say, and then I didn’t feel like apologizing anymore because there’s a win for every group in this piece! Everyone gets what they want! WIN/WIN/WIN! Which, like they say in The Office, is WAY better than a Win/Win.

P.P.P.P.S. You’re welcome, everyone. You’re very welcome.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
20 comments
  1. I think your blog is one the best things I have ever read! Thank You!

  2. To add to the silliness, we were recently in a town in New Zealand called Wanaka, where there is a cafe/pub called Kai Whaka Pai (prounounced kai fucka pie in the Maori language). We just called it Kai, with lots of giggles accompanying.

  3. Okay, you are so, like, my new favoritest thing ever. And by “you” I mean your blog. Well, and you, too. If that’s not too weird or internet-creepy-ish.

    And I even live in Europe! And have been through Austria! Although neither through Titmoning nor Fucking.

    Yet.

    1. In Semiotics classes in grad school, we pondered the question “what happens when a shocking word isn’t shocking any more?” “Darn” used to be a real conversation stopper, as was “heck.” When it first came out, “suck” was quite pornographic and shocking, although somehow the Soccer moms got to it early and turned “sucky” into a synonym for “unpleasant.”

      So now that everything is fuck this and fuck that, along with various adjectival and adverbial variants, what will people say when those on the margins of society want to really shock people, to show that they are NOT part of society and have no desire to be mistaken for someone who might?

      In short, what will “they” do when Disney releases its first kiddie flick with “fuckin'” in the name? Is there some daring word waiting in the shadows, or are we at the end of shocking? “Granddad, tell me again about the days when kids had to eat soap for saying certain arbitrary words!”

  4. Also fun: if you vacation in Lake Lure, NC, you may well find yourself tubing on the French Broad River, and you may well fall in the water and end up yelling, “I have a mouthful of French Broad!”

    Having read this post and the one on abandoning the “love the sinner/hate the sin” position, I think you are exactly my kind of Jesusy lady. Three cheers, a big hug, and cocktails if you ever find yourself on the southwest coast of Florida.

  5. If you haven’t been introduced to the delicacy known as stroopwafels, you can thank me now! Literally syrup waffles, but in actuality a layer of caramel sandwiched between two thin butter cookies – they are nothing short of fantastic. I’ve actually seen them in the States at specialty shops before, so if you develop an addiction (ahem) it’s not a lost cause when you return.

    And if your host hasn’t fed you hagelslag, she is falling down on her duties! 🙂

    1. Nevah-evah would I forget to introduce any of my dearest American friends/guests to stroopwafels or hagelslag! (which in Beth’s case was actually three years ago when we first met 🙂 ) Not only did I practically drown them in hagelslag (among other things), but I also bought every single kind known to us Dutchies :-p (sure I did forget to bring any of ’em on our current visit, but hey, there’s always room for improvement, right? 😉 )

      Signed, Sleepless in Seattle (oh wait, nope… ‘Victoria’ :-p )

  6. My children have not yet asked about the “F word.” Thank you for my cultural education which I can someday pass on to my children!

  7. Haha, so funny! I’d heard about F*ucking before but forgot about it. Now I’m sorry I didn’t visit it last year when I was in Austria. I strongly suggest you search on Youtube “graham norton f*cking austria” (he’s a british comedian/talk show host), it’s extremely funny.

    Now if you drive to Sweden or the Swedish-speaking area of Finland, and go through a town, you might find a “farthinder”. (It’s a speed bump. If you google image search you can see the signs.)

  8. A) this is awesome in every way. I’m not big on the f-bomb, but since it’s an actual city I feel that is definitely worth a special dispensation. I’ll still whisper it though.

    B) I read all the way to the PS’s before I realized you weren’t talking about Australia. Even though you spent the whole beginning talking about how you’re in Europe, and why would you be bringing up Australia. Except after reading you for a year or so now, that actually wouldn’t surprise me. Well done, you.

  9. I love this! It sounds like you’re having a wonderful time and entertaining your inner 14-year-old boy at the same time (so hard to do sometimes). What a GREAT vacation!! I’d love to take the tour from Titmoning to F*cking but my husband won’t cross the pond (plane phobia). 🙁

    Another interesting place to visit is Peculiar, MO. Its peculiar there… really 90210-ish for a place in the suburbs of Kansas City.

    Have fun and take care!

  10. Thank you for this post. Great timing – read it while speed-eating M&Ms during the bedtime routine after a disastrous family meal. Have fun on your trip!

  11. There is a town in Illinois called effiingham…lol

  12. Hahaha.. I am laughing my somewhat off… I was wondering what exactly you will pick in Europe to write about and I could simply not picturing you writing about the impressing ancient buildings, culture, different nations, languages and here we go… Thanks for a very amusing view on my area… 😉

  13. This reminds me somewhat of the bushtits that swarm our bird feeder, and my sister saying, “It’s impossible to say that without picturing a naked lady.”

  14. There are 2 town in Utah called Fillmore and Beaver. There used to be a sign that had them both on there. Fillmore Beaver. My husband still loves to say… “Hey, we’re in the Fillmore Beaver area!” bahahah

  15. I love you beth.

  16. I can hear this convorsation in my head:

    Person 1: “Sure I’ll meet you for coffee in the middle, where do you live?”
    Person 2: “F’ing.”
    *insert awkward pause as person one thinks person two is having complications on the other side of the phone*
    Person 2: “I’m sorry, I was just asking where you live”
    Person 1: “F’ing”
    Person 2: “Is everything ok over there?”
    Person 1: “Yes! I live in F’ing, Alaska, dude!”
    Person 2: “Well, I assumed that! I wouldn’t meet you for coffee if you lived in F’ing Maine!”
    Person 1: “No! F’ing, Alaska!”
    Person 2: “I know! Alaska! But where in Alaska?! F it, this is just going nowhere. Can we just meet in Titmoning?”
    Person 1: “excuse me?!”

  17. You might be interested to know that my grandparents lived in Paradise, PA. You could drive through Intercourse to get there….which we always thought was hilariòus!

    1. The Amish have a wonderfully free sense of humor, one which was not shared by some of the Puritan neighbors. On the way to Intercourse, PA, is Blue Balls. I believe it is difficult to get to Paradise from Blue Balls without going through Intercourse. None of this is accidental, which makes it even funnier.

      I used to live in Boring, Oregon. And there is a town in the wet and rainy part of Oregon that used to have a Little League tournament every Summer, called Drain. Yes, the Oregon Drain.

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