I Feel Stupid at Night. Also Other Times.

I feel stupid at night.

Also, sometimes in the morning.

Also-also, when driving in the car, especially alone.

And sitting on the potty.

And standing in line at the supermarket sans kids.

Pretty much every time I have a chance to stop and think, I feel stupid, and I replay my every fault, real or imagined, on repeat.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I say to me, and, “I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT.” Or DID that. Or WORE that. Or ARE that. ...  read more

A Quick, Butt Important Question. In Addition to This One… Guess What’s Better Than Pants?

Hey!

I have a quick question for you.

Guess what’s better than pants?

That’s not the question, though. That’s a lead-up to the real question, which is coming. It’s like a prelude to the question. An appetizer question. The processional question as we prepare for the grand entrance of the real question; like the flowergirl of questions, all cute and tiny, toddling down the aisle and lifting her fluffy, tulle dress over her eyes so we see her princess panties while all the guests giggle and her mommy stage whispers Put. Your. Dress. Down...  read more

Why Science is Bad for Children

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT.”

That was my 3rd grader, friends, this morning at the front door, prostrate on the threadbare entry rug that desperately needs replacing but won’t get it anytime soon.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT.”

That was my 3rd grader after the dogs, bless their hearts, knocked him into the wall while rushing past him playing their usual morning games of Bark, Bark, Growl and Bite, Bite, Chase. ...  read more

When You’re Better At Stuff Than Your Kids

It’s hard sometimes being a mama and being, well, better at stuff than your kids. You know? Like, they want to be good at stuff right now, and you don’t want to discourage them, and they say stuff like, “I’m a really good draw-er, right, Mom? As good as you, right?” with their earnest scribbles, and, “I can match my clothes really good, Mom,” with the fuschia socks and the gold shirt and the green plaid skirt, and you can see they’re trying — they’re trying so hard — and they suddenly care about proficiency, and you don’t want to squash that initiative, so you LIE and say stuff back like, “Sure you are,” and, “You’re SO GOOD at that, sweetheart.” ...  read more

Just Thought You Should Know

I hollered downstairs yesterday for a kid to put toilet paper in the bathroom AND put it on the dispenser roll.

“HEY!” I said, politely, “PUT TOILET PAPER IN THE BATHROOM. AND PUT IT ON THE THINGY.

And one of them modeled my behavior by gently bellowing back, “WHY? ARE WE HAVING COMPANY OR SOMETHING?”

Which is ridiculous. The fact that my children think we only put toilet paper in the bathroom and put it on the thingy if we’re having company. Goll! ...  read more

On Momrades and Waving in the Dark: A Birthday Wish

It’s my birthday, friends.

I’m 42 today.

FORTY TWO YEARS OLD! WOOHOO!

My family has responded by a) mocking me, and b) giving me cheese, which are my two main love languages, so I’m marking this birthday in the win column.

This is my favorite of all the cards from my kids:

It reads,

happy birthday
mom I love you
so much and the
things you you do
for us.
 ...  read more

On Flip-Flops, Flailing and Faith

I should’ve known better than to wear flip-flops. Especially the kind with the higher, wedgy heel. It’s just that they were $0.99 at the Goodwill, had never been worn, and were in my size. What’s a girl to do? Still, I should’ve known better, flip-flops not being what they used to be… or my coordination, either. One or the other was to blame. ...  read more