UPDATED: My Boobs Broke My Washer

Look; it’s been a rough season for appliances in our house. I don’t know if we’re doing appliances wrong, or if appliances aren’t built for 47HundredMillion people to use them ALL DAY LONG, or if I’m modeling Breakdown / I Quit / I HONEST TO GOD CANNOT DO ONE MORE THING behavior, or what; I just know this is the house where appliances come to die terrible, terrible deaths, and we can pray for them.

Here’s an example with a beginning, a middle, a middle, a middle, a middle, and an end. Ready? OK.

We bought a microwave. It died. We bought a new microwave. It died. Greg’s grandma gave us her old microwave. It died. We bought a used microwave. The children lit it on fire. (REMOVE THE PLASTIC WRAPPER FROM THE POPCORN PACKAGE, GUYS. Just saying.) It died. Friends gave us their microwave. Died. Won a $100 BestBuy gift certificate! WOOT! Bought a new microwave. The week after the one-year warranty ended, it coughed, spluttered and died. DIED. Bought a new microwave. Died, but inside of the warranty period this time, so HA! Called the company! Demanded restitution! (With a please, ’cause there’s no need to be rude.) They sent a repairman. … A repairman. For a $75 microwave? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Okeedokee, company. Whatever floats your boat. … The repairman came. He ordered a $50 part, and, I assume, charged the company $3B in labor. Three weeks later, the part arrived, and the repairman raised the microwave from the dead. IT LIVES. We call it Lazarus. The End.

This is, of course, but one small example of Appliance Death around here.

We’re currently on Fridge #5 for this house, where we’ve lived 14 years.

We use toothpicks and sometimes an ice pick to start our stove (long story), but the burners light all the way, like, 73% of the time.

The dishwasher died last Spring after the heating element bent and melted a hole in the tub, causing gallons and gallons (and gallons) of dirty dishwater to pour into our subfloor over weeks and weeks before it finally bubbled up from underneath the cheap laminate floor and clued us in. Which, wheeeeeeeee! New floors!

And then, on Tuesday, when the repairman was here repairing the NEW dishwasher which tried to burn our house down — melted electric connector, because it wants to be cool like the microwave, and God knows, if the microwave jumped off a bridge, the dishwasher would, too (dishwashers these days!) — the clothes washer gave up the ghost.

Kerklunk. Kerklunk. Kerklunk. Vvvvvzzzzzzz. KERKLUNK. Aaaannnddd… DEAD.

Yep.

The clothes washer is lying dead upstairs as I type.

And, guys. Guys. Guys. My boobs killed it.

I know that’s true because Greg performed the autopsy, and he found my underwire wrapped around the shaft.

I don’t even know what to say about this, except I assume my boobs, with great compassion, decided the washer had had enough and took action to end its suffering.

In conclusion, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. And bless my boobs’ heart. And don’t ever let my boobs see you suffer, because they clearly mean well, but they have very, VERY poor self-control.

The End.

P.S. You can pray for Greg.

P.P.S. And the shaft.

P.P.P.S. And for Greg as he coaxes the shaft back to life.

 

***UPDATE FROM GREG***

For those of you who’ve been waiting with bated breath for the washer outcome (all of you, I’m sure), Greg has compiled the following update:

I can report the washer is whole again, resting quietly after a vigorous workout.

I removed the outer coverings, including the rubber barrier because sometimes it’s hard to get a good feel for what’s going on with a rubber barrier in the way.

I realized after exposing it that the best way in was from the rear.

Although it was a tight fit, and required a firm grasp, I pulled, pushed, yanked and twisted until the job was done.

With great relief following my efforts, I confirmed the shaft is undamaged.

My job wasn’t done, however, until the washer was satisfied with its performance, so I ran the cycle labeled “Quick Wash,” because this model knows about five kids, and came prepared for quickies when we’ve only got RIGHT NOW and we must GET IT DONE.

After the final spin, I can confirm we are back to near complete appliance compliance, and I’ve learned some valuable lessons:

  1. I’m OK with a random underwire issue once every 21 years as a cost of needing them in the first place.
  2. It might be in my best interest to encourage more regular bra replacement. I should probably offer to help Beth shop for them.
  3. Even when an appliance problem is a common one (per the guys at the local sales and repair shop I visited), in our house it has to go bigger and more spectacular than they’ve ever heard.  “Around the shaft? Really? How did it do that?”

 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
36 comments
  1. […] was to buy a cheap stove. It crapped out about 8 years later, and we’ve been hobbling by, using the ice pick to start the oven for the last […]

  2. […] and Principle, I have started to think Radical and Scary Things like Maybe I Don’t Want to Start My Stove With an Ice Pick Anymore, and Perhaps We Should Repaint the Front Door Rather Than Using The Destroyed Surface as a […]

  3. Oh Greg, that update was priceless! You and Beth truly are a matched pair!

  4. My microwave went on strike the day of my daughter’s graduation. We had seven people (in our house with one bathroom… but that is another story) and were doing our own catering for over 100 people. The microwave just started flashing zeros and then completely powering down. A couple of days after everyone left, it started working fine. That was a year ago and no other issues. We are good with appliances at our house. We kill cars. They aren’t wrecked; they just die. We called our last van “Wesley” because it would most likely die in the morning. If it makes you feel any better, appliances are cheaper than cars. Trade ya!

    1. Oh my gosh…perfect name for that car. GREAT reference to a perfect book/movie.

  5. Sorry your boobs are troublemakers. Glad Greg got the washer’s shaft up & running again.

  6. […] My Boobs Broke My Washer This is just funny, and you might need a laugh today. I love Beth (although I’ve never met/talked to her), just like I love The Bloggess: both ladies struggle with depression, both are real about it, and both fight everyday to see the joy and the funny. I do not currently consider myself depressed, but between eating disorders and PPD I’ve had some up-close glimpses and I’m always working to keep the dark at bay. […]

  7. I’ll add one more caveat for microwave keeping and care: If your fuse dies in the microwave display, so you can’t see the numbers… Don’t put pizza in for “3 minutes” and walk away and go for a walk and forget about it… It’s likely to be in there for 30000000 minutes… and when you nuke the pizza for that long it turns into a flaming ball which, in turn, lights the inside of the microwave on fire. Then the house fills with smoke and the firemen come and try to cut holes in your walls before someone walks past the microwave and notices it’s hot, opens it and discovers the devastation.
    *sigh*

  8. It’s NOT you! It’s the appliances. They just don’t make appliances to last anymore. My hubby has been in the appliance sales and service business for over 30 years and he’s horribly frustrated with the sad state of appliance quality in the industry these days. Federal Energy regulations have a lot to do with it, plus the cost of building appliances like they used to in the “old days” would be so high that no one but the extremely wealthy could afford them any more.
    We have a house full of appliances that were built before the new energy regulations came into play and we are hoping to keep them running for the rest of our lives (based on family history that should be another 30 to 40 years) so we are stockpiling parts, too, because manufacturers are no longer making replacement parts for the older machines.
    Someone else suggested a lingerie bag for your bras. That is the absolute best thing for both your washing machine AND your bras. Since I started using a lingerie bag to put my bras into when they go into the washer I have not had a single underwire go free-ranging.

    1. So Greg has had a serious fit of eye-rolling at me over this, but our stove (as mentioned above) has been trying to off itself for the last two years. Honestly, we should just let it die already, but the money to replace it! Plus, do we replace it with another poorly-built piece of poo? Or try to buy something beyond our budget that will last? UGH.

      Anyway, my solution — and the crux of Greg’s eye-rolling — is this: I’ve just purchased a replacement after tons and tons and tons of research. It’s a 1957 Kenmore stove, and it was never used. Just sat, covered, in a lady’s basement for the past 58 years. It’s white and enamel and LOVELY, it has 5 burners (woot!) AND, if my research proves correct, should last us decades. It was $700, so far less than the replacements I was finding for well-rated gas stoves. And now it’s with a guy who specializes in certifying vintage appliances for modern hook-up. I think it’s going to be RAD. Greg wants to vomit.

      Next up: replacing the washer with a wash board and calling it good. 😉

      1. You need to think big: professional laundry service.

      2. Those old pieces were made to last and also to handle big families and lots of hard use. I think you made a good choice, but only time will tell. I have a friend who still has a fridge from the 1940s going strong. He says that the cost of running it isn’t really all that much more than using a more “efficient” model, and it doesn’t have a bunch of electronic parts to fail and need replacing. He figures that he’s saved a bunch of money by sticking with Old Faithful.

        If you had a crick nearby you could always just have the kids play in the crick in their clothes and forego doing laundry altogether. =)

  9. You are obviously cursed but maybe a lingerie bag for the bras, dishwasher minus the heating element (like a Bosch) because those hot metal rods are the devil and if they aren’t ruining the dishwasher they are melting dishes, and yes for goodness sake have your electric checked! I would have lost my mind by now – hate shopping for appliances, hate having repair people in the house and hate having things delivered/installed. I don’t know how you’ve kept both your sanity and your sense of humor but thanks for the laugh!

    1. Yes, Bosch all the way on the dishwasher. You’re welcome to come look at mine and be jealous of the third rack that is there just for silverware.

  10. I’m laughing out loud and myself son wants to know why…hmmm, not telling him that boobs and shafts..my mind went to the wrong place as well. LOL

    1. How can the syntax of my post be so off? Sorry for the gibberish but I am using my phone and I should not have!

  11. I feel your pain girl! I’ve killed numerous microwaves, dishwashers, refrigerators, coffee makers and humidifiers (just for good measure of course). My timing on many of these items could not be better – you know if you’re gonna break something do it on a holiday, or right before a holiday especially when you’re hosting the in laws (all of them) for like a week. It’s awesome. I’m convinced a have some kind of kiss of death thing with appliances. Things other people have for years I screw up royally because I follow the manufacturer directions just to avoid such calamity. But, alas, to no avail. I am a serial appliance killer. I think the people at Home Depot, Best Buy, Searsand Lowes see me coming and rub their hands in evil glee “hehehe here she comes ready to purchase a “reliable” appliance. Hehehe.” Sigh the torment I inflict on these poor metallic, plastic electronic wonders is probably outside the realm of human imagination – you know like asking the refrigerator to keep things at 37 degrees all the time, or making coffee every single day, or washing the dishes the first time. What sick person would do such a thing?!?! You are clearly in league with me and we should form our own serial appliance euthanasia guild or something.

    Your sister in appliance destruction,
    Me

    1. Yes, we should form a serial appliance euthanasia guild. Donna wrote on Facebook, “We seem to often run an appliance hospice program here. Provide them with loving care and coax then along for as long as possible. PS our dishwasher gave up three years ago, we replaced it with three different used ones that also didn’t wish to work for our family. Someday I hope we get a replacement but for now I use the broken one to hide things when company is coming. Like having an extra closet.” So, obviously, Donna can join us.

  12. I would call your electric company and have them come out and test…you may not be getting enough power to your house and it is burning out your appliances. This happened to us. Come to find out, the wired running from the house to the pole was not completely connected….It won’t cost you anything to have them come check. And misght save you money in appliances! lol

  13. I feel like I should be able to find something more original to say each time I post than “I love you” and all the hilarious commenters 🙂 But that would require thinking and breathing when I am laughing out loud and need to go out – So just: “I love you Beth, and all your friends!”

  14. I loved reading this. My ice maker is broken so maybe buying a new
    Frig would be better than try having it fixed.

  15. Do appliances tremble in mortal fear when they are condemned–I mean, sent–to your house?

  16. Don’t worry…if Greg coaxes his shaft, it will definitely come back to life!

  17. best. title. ever.

    is there a saint for appliances?

    1. No, but St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes.

      And St. Clotilde is the patron saint of disappointing children. Just saying.

      1. Whoa. There’s a patron saint for disappointing children? You mean, like for those of us who were perhaps sometimes maybe a teeny bit disappointing to adults when we were kids? Or is the saint for those who specialize in the dissapointing of children, like by handing out toothbrushes at Halloween and such? The possibilities are delightfully endless!

        1. I believe that both the disappointed and the disappointing may pray to her.

      2. Now I want a giant mural of St. Jude in my house.

  18. I’m glad that others went to inappropriate places in their heads too. Thank you. I am in much need of a laugh as we are in the middle of trying to find a rental in the middle of a tourist town that apparently doesn’t want anyone to actually LIVE here, except that my husband’s work is transferring him, so we have no choice but to move here. They actually have a city ordinance that you cannot have more kids than bedrooms, so apparently I need to sell one of my kids. After four days in a hotel and no luck, I think I might sell them all.

    1. That is the stupidest thing I have heard in a long time.

      1. Which? I assume the city ordinance. The thing about being tempted to sell one’s children at moments sounds like genius. And it’s in the Bible, so there.

    2. A room for every child? SERIOUSLY?

      Well, I’ve gotta hand it to them; that would definitely keep out riff-raff like us. :/

  19. I think you may need a whole-house UPS; something must be wrong with your electrical system.

  20. Oh my goodness. Thanks for the laugh. So sorry about the washer. Maybe when you publish your book of all your funny stories you can get new appliances.??.

  21. oh. my. stars. cannot. breathe. laughing. inside. cannot. comment. so. inappropriate. must. fly. to. oregon. again.

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