THIS Is Why We Shouldn’t Teach Kids to Be Themselves

Jan 27 2016

My friend, IMG_8513Valerie, and I carpool to get her sweet girls, age 6 and 9, and my twin, 9-year-old boys from school.

And these 4 kids are friends. I mean, real friends who can’t wait to hang out with each other and play and don’t think the other gender has cooties.

HOW CUTE IS THAT, you guys? AND HOW GOOD ARE WE AT PARENTING, right?? SO GOOD. We are SO GOOD at parenting to make this happen! We deserve awards and gold stars, and someone should put us in charge of global parenting programs.

Or put Valerie in charge.

Me? Maybe not so much.


Valerie started posting Adventures in Carpooling to my Facebook wall this fall.


So on our way to your house today your kid was telling me about the souvenirs you brought him from Italy. He got candy, cheese and PENIS shaped pasta. And I quote, “I got PENIS pasta. In the shape of PENISES! And there are BLACK ones. Black PENIS noodles. They are black from squid ink. I am so happy to have gotten PENIS pasta!” Super happy about the pasta. Now to explain to my girls what a penis is….


Your Kid: “Can I say swear words in your car like CRAP and SHIT?”



After my kid found play doh in the back seat of the van and distributed it to your boys…
Your Kid: “I am going to make a PENIS out of mine. Wait…this is too big to be my PENIS, this looks like your PENIS, Bro. Yours is bigger but my BALLS are bigger…”
His Twin Brother: “Yes, my BALLS
are really small, yours are much bigger.”
Your Kid: “Valerie do you drink?”
Me: “No.”
Your Kid: “You should. My mom says its really good for Moms to drink.”
(I am considering it after that ride.)

THIS, friends.

THIS is why we shouldn’t teach children to be themselves.

We blithely walk around saying, “Be yourself!” and “Be the most you you can be!” But we do not consider the FULL IMPLICATIONS of our encouragement.

We do not consider the fact that the most true to himself a nine-year-old boy child can be is one who compares his ball sac with his twin brother’s. And then talks about it in PUBLIC.

This is what is wrong with modern parenting.

And THIS is why our elders who suppressed expression and championed crippling inhibitions were so much wiser than us.

In conclusion, I’m reconsidering all my life choices.