This Is My Brain on Parenting

Listen; this doesn’t make me proud. It’s just true.

Here’s what you need to know, where “need to know” is used in the loosest possible sense along with my discretion and sense of decorum:

I just peed part way — like, a smattering — and then I stopped peeing and got up to do other things.

I was seriously standing up, buttoning my pants, before I realized I hadn’t actually finished. Like, I was in such a hurry that I ran into the bathroom, tossed a teeny, tiny bit of urine into the potty like I was throwing a fastball from a pitcher’s mound, my Subconscious said, “GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW, BETH; NOW OFF TO DO OTHER ESSENTIAL THINGS — GO! GO! GO!,” and I listened and obeyed her.

Allow me to note… this is not OK, friends.

This is NOT RIGHT.

But this rushing and doing and never finishing is so deeply embedded in the mama brain that she runs to the restroom, pulls down her pants, pees halfway, clenches, stands, and is flushing and buttoning before she realizes she has the inalienable right to pee all the way.

DEAR SWEET JESUS ON A POGO STICK, friends.

I was Pants-Pulled-Up and Button-Fastened before I realized I should not only finish what I went to the bathroom for, but that it’s OK to use the additional 5 seconds it would take to fully empty my bladder. Like, I’m allowed to take that time. Pee Completion is an appropriate and wise use of the precious and few minutes in a day.

I realize there are people who say the internet is a wasteland of potty stories and people who share TMI, but THIS IS HOW FRENETIC THE LIFE OF A MOTHER IS, friends, and I don’t know a better way to illustrate the insanity than this.

 

This Life of a Parent thing? It is ridiculous. Also, it is an excellent excuse for being TOTALLY NUTS.

Solidarity, fellow parents. And fellow nut jobs. And fellow humans, because, let’s be honest, we’re all weird weirdos who are weird,

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P.S. I AM, however, totally rocking parenting on other fronts! I was feeling frazzled and frenetic making breakfast for my children without having had my morning cup of coffee. I was trying, man; I swear. But I was vacant-eyed and sluggish and said, “What? What?” forty-five times every time my children tried to talk to me because sans-coffee I cannot possibly be expected to understand words. Finally, one of the nine-year-olds, said, “Mom? MOM. Mom mom mom mom mom,” and I said, “What?” and he said, “LOOK ME IN THE EYES, MOM. ARE YOU LISTENING? This. Is Very. Important. HAVE YOU HAD COFFEE?” “NO, I HAVE NOT,” I said, and, “I AM DYING OVER HERE,” I said, and he replied very slowly, “MOM. HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?? PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK BEFORE ASSISTING OTHERS.” Which is when I realized I am the Best Parent in the History of the World because I am raising a child who sees the needs of others and speaks Love into their lives. I WIN PARENTING!

P.P.S. Full disclosure, though: after I had coffee, the same child told me he watched a YouTube video on how to make tiny drinking glasses out of strawberries and fill them with jello shots. “Naturally, we’ll need a lot of vodka,” he said. So feel free to add or deduct Parenting Points as you will.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
10 comments
  1. wish I hadn’t been catching up on your blog whilst drinking herbal tea – was fine till I got to this post and then had to do the “hold tea in mouth whilst laughing, don’t spray it or half swallow it and choke half to death while the toddler is sleeping” routine! 😉 Thanks for making me laugh. Don’t think you need a disclaimer on the website “don’t drink tea while reading or be it on your own head” – ‘cos I should know this by now!

  2. Only half peeing opens up your bladder to outside bacteria and can lead to urinary tract infections. So, not only do you have the right to pee all the way, it is important to your health to pee all the way every.single.time. Perhaps a strawberry vodka Jell-o shot would help you to relax enough to take those extra few seconds to pee all the way.
    You truly ARE winning at parenting!

  3. I am master of the half-poop. Not entirely surprisingly, failing to empty bladder or bowels is not good for the state of a woman’s health, especially for the health of her arch-nemesis, the pelvic floor. So glad it’s not just me!

  4. You are always winning the parenting game in my book.
    Strawberry cups are cute, but drinking from a glass is easier. 🙂

  5. How I wish I had no idea what you’re talking about with the half-pee. I am a weird weirdo who is weird.

  6. Strawberry Jell-O shots? Will he take a catering job?

  7. “Naturally, we will need a lot of vodka.”
    Classic, and also true. Just because he wants to learn to make them doesn’t mean he has to learn to take them himself. In fact, he could practice and you could have them all. You know Momma always said, “never marry a man who can’t cook.” So it could just be considered part of “raising him well as a gift to his future spouse.”

    Another thought, could he replace the vodka with strong espresso? Create coffee strawberry shots? Maybe dip them in chocolate? I’m not a coffee drinker, so perhaps this flavor profile won’t work, but perhaps it’s a concept he needs to explore. After all, you can’t put on your own oxygen mask if one is not provided.

  8. Jello shots out of strawberries you say? *rushes off to Google it*

  9. Oh, the “put on your oxygen mask before helping others” made me tear up!!! How MUCH of our lives does that apply to?? I don’t this k I have heard wiser words yet today. Granted, I haven’t read my Bible, or prayed yet, so there is still time. And also, Jesus drank wine. So… I am good with the jello shoots in strawberries.

  10. Ahahaha! Love it! Isn’t it weird how we really can get into this mood sometimes that every second counts? I mean, it’s not as if I were on a squad team trying to rescue some hostages or something really urgent like that, but, minor example: most mornings I really try to get dressed while brushing my teeth because I thinks this will save precious time – which ALWAYS ends up with me either drooling toothpaste on my clothes or just having the toothbrush in my mouth without really brushing because I use both my hands to get dressed, and STILL I do it all the time! Why am I not able to do those things one after the other? Geesh…

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