How to Fix a Hole in the Wall (… with a bigger hole… also, I need your help again…)

Apr 2 2017

Six years ago, Greg was really angry, so he kicked a hole in the wall because that’s how we handle our anger around here. Through violence to walls.

(Psst… Greg wants me to note he wasn’t angry, nor did he kick a hole in the wall. He tripped over the baby gate which punched a hole in the wall for him. He tells the story his way. I tell it mine. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Whatever.)

Long story short, I fixed it because I am a genius with drywall repair.

All you need is a permanent marker and zero compunction about drawing on the walls in front of your children. One Sharpie decoration later, and voila!, problem solved.

Which is how we’ve had a hole in the wall and a Mouse House in our hallway lo these many years. In other words, I AM SO PINTERESTY, FRIENDS!

Now hold that story in your head while we return to the present.

Greg left me home for the past 10 days while he went to Mexico to build houses, and, because our oldest kid is struggling mightily right now, I was pretty much housebound.

Housebound.

Minus grown-up supervision.

Which usually leads to acquiring farm animals.

But not this time.

This time I decided to do house projects. Even though I wasn’t finished with the last house project. Or the 12 house projects before that. All of those = irrelevant! Because doing house projects means one is productive, and completing said projects is definitely not required in order to check off the productivity box. Did you work on a project? Yes? HOW PRODUCTIVE OF YOU. <– It works like that, friends. The definition of productivity, after all, is the act of producing something. Did you produce an unfinished project? GOOD FOR YOU; YOU ARE SO PRODUCTIVE!

However, because I am both productive and responsible, I decided to check in with you first to be sure I was on the right track.

“Quick question,” I wrote on Facebook, “Ripping up the carpet on the stairs while Greg is away in Mexico building houses for those is need is a) a perfectly reasonable choice which has the added bonus of saving $$$ on renting a carpet cleaner to clean that which is basically unsalvageable anyway, b) a perfectly reasonable choice which will speed along the plan to convert to wood stairs which I say should happen last year and Greg believes is more in the “never” timeframe for house improvements, c) likely to mean walking up/down unfinished particle board for the next 10 years, and/or d) likely to lead to divorce?

“Please answer with whichever letters you believe best apply. You may choose more than one.

“Bonus question: Do I have to actually finish painting my bedroom before buying paint for my entryway, hallways and living room? Greg might say yes, but Greg is away so I can’t ask him. I feel like maybe starting 12 simultaneous projects and actually finishing zero of them isn’t irresponsible; it’s more like being true to myself. Yes? Yes, that’s what I thought.”

And you, because you are People Who Get It, responded with A, B, and a whole lot of C. Not so much worry about D. And only, like, two of you — who are, I assume, like my father the Marine who believes in Doing Things Right the First Time, and Measure Twice, Cut Once, and Do You Want to Know a Better Way to Do That, Beth?? — thought I needed to finish painting my room before destroying carpet. You really are SO my people. The Do Things Right Eventually and/or Possibly Never People. The Measure Never, Cut Till It Looks OK People. The NO I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW A BETTER WAY TO DO THAT People. Hallelujah and AMEN.

So.

I set about finding a box cutter, a mallet, and a tire iron to remove the carpet. I don’t know if that’s what one uses for such a project, but I figured they were the best way to start. I dunno. But on my way to procure said items from the garage, I found a dog who shall remain nameless…

…this dog…

…this sweet, muddy, baby, puppy dog…

…eating the Mouse House.

She figured out how to get juuust enough of her teeth inside the hole to pry off bits of drywall,

… and swallow them.

You know why?

Because she is PRODUCTIVE, and she was producing a mess.

Now, I get that some people might be dismayed by such an event. Baby Puppy Dog’s owner was horrified when I shared the news with her, for example.

I am not some people.

I looked at Baby Puppy Dog, and I looked at the new, improved hole in the wall, and I immediately discarded the stairs project so I could make the hole even bigger.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, Baby Puppy Dog.

We can disappoint Greg with the stairs later. Let’s disappoint him with GIANT WALL HOLES first.

I concocted a plan.

I bought paint.

I borrowed a drywall saw from the neighbor.

And BEHOLD, the new and improved mouse house:

Which fits a shadow box exactly:

And, after wall paint and another trip to the neighbor, who’s a set designer, is now a bare-bones outline for our brand new Fairy House:

I have hereby officially decided all future holes in my walls shall become fairy houses. Within 10 years, I anticipate the ENTIRE HOUSE will be a giant fairy haven. A fairy sanctuary. All fairies all the time.

Greg is home from Mexico now, and he’s ecstatic about this plan; ecstasy expressed the usual way, via eye rolling and a slight uptick to the upper lip some may take as disdain but I know to be Greg’s special way of thanking his Heavenly Father for gifting him with such a productive wife.

Thus we have solved one problem but created a new one. As usual. I now have the structure for a fairy house and must decorate it, except we all know I am barred from decorating alone.

This is where you come in, friends.

How do I decorate a fairy house??

Here’s what we’re going for… EASY and cheap, then cute. (This is why I’m barred from decorating alone — this is always my list, in priority order — easy, cheap, cute.)

Like this one from Beneath the Ferns:

Pretty sure I can duplicate those roof shingles.

And I’m pretty sure I can create a hinged front to the house with windows and a door. That way the entire front of the house opens so we can get to the box inside.

From there, though, I’m stuck. How do I decorate the inside? How do I light it with some kind of battery-operated gadget that doesn’t look clunky? Most importantly, how do we create the kind of environment that will lure cleaning fairies to my house??

In conclusion, I’m living into my areas of spiritual giftedness: 1) Starting projects and not finishing them, and 2) Creating problems for other people to solve.

Help me, Obi Wan; you’re my only hope.

Sincerely,