I KNOW THE ANSWER

Is it mental illness? Or just my personality? I asked you yesterday, and today I’m happy to report I KNOW THE ANSWER, at least as far as the toast is concerned.

I know the answer, friends, because Greg, bless his sweet heart, made me a video.

This video, which you should listen to, as I did, with the volume ALL THE WAY UP:

Yes.

Yes, I definitely know the answer now, and the answer is this:

I AM A TOAST TORTURE VICTIM.

And Greg is so good at Toast Torture that I have a form of Stockholm Syndrome.

I have developed a deep psychological alliance — an ABIDING LOVE — for the very man who butters his toast in this manner. He video tapes it. He sends it to me at midnight. He sends me instant messages and texts until I watch it with the scritch scritch scritching turned to HIGHEST VOLUME. And, even as I cringe, friends, I also laugh and laugh and laugh, so complete is his brainwashing of me.

But it is NOT mental illness that drives me to want to love/murder this man.

It is NOT a personality flaw.

It is the fact, becoming ever clearer, that I AM A TOAST TORTURE VICTIM
and RAGE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE.

The End

Love,

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
16 comments
  1. Beth – sorry… Greg – You missed a spot – lower right hand corner…. chew on that for a bit…

  2. I can’t believe this, but I understand the toast buttering. I like mine buttered uniformly as well. Except I get enough butter the first time so I don’t get crumbs in the butter, unless I rinse the knife in between buttering. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. It can happen to anyone you know. It could be a friend, co-worker, the neighbor down the street- or even a loved one making toast in your own home. Awareness, people; awareness.

  3. I never would have dreamed that a video of someone buttering toast would make me laugh so hard.

    Context is key.

  4. Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. He’s doing it wrong. I apply LOTS of butter to frozen bread, then toast. It’s perfection, and it doesn’t your butter all crumby (gives me the skeevies to think about it).

  5. That was hilarious! Greg should be on Youtube, vlogging it up. There is nothing wrong with you. You are living under intolerable conditions. I think Greg should keep his OCD toasting (and crumbs) as a special thing for when nobody else is in the room. He must have a very good sense of humour though, which is A Good Thing.

  6. I’ve never seen a piece of toast buttered so thoroughly. However I cringe at the thought of how many crumbs must now be in your butter.
    Clearly you have permanent toast scritching disease that leads this video to be a form of torture. But the fact he made it for you – the fire still burns!

  7. I could eat 5 pieces of well-buttered toast in that amount of time. My prayers are with you. ALSO. I’m pretty sure he’s not the one who fed toast to 5 kids and 2 adults. It would be lunchtime before he had breakfast ready.

  8. That is totally wrong! It should not take a whole minute to butter 1 piece of toast. Especially if you make it for a large family. It is not your problem Beth, it is his! 😀

  9. You are a torture victim! He is DOING IT WRONG!!!

  10. Umm, definitely mental illness. You should take Greg to the doctor immediately and have him put on meds. Only someone totally insane butters toast like that. See, it’s not you; it’s him. 🙂

  11. Two observations:
    That toast is not hot enough, and that butter is not soft enough.
    Greg has lovely hands.

  12. I’d kill him. But this is the funniest thing I’ve read all week.

  13. He’s very thorough.

    But I’d probably have to shove that butter knife in his eye. Unless I’ve had enough coffee, then I’d twitch and grumble but I’d probably let him keep his eye ☺

  14. O.M.G (<– I've never typed it that way before but this is an extreme case) I couldn't even make it through that video with the sound OFF! Who in the world (besides Greg) butters toast that way?!?! That IS torture to watch. Not to mention the amount of crumbs he must leave in the butter! No, Beth, you're not crazy, that would make any sane person stabby

  15. Ok, I’m not usually so emphatic about taking sides, but Greg is wrong Wrong WRONG! Getting more butter after already starting to butter your toast is what leads to toast crumbs on the butter stick! AND PEOPLE WHO LEAVE CRUMBS ON THE BUTTER DESERVE TO DIE.

    My method is clearly far superior. Take to thin slices of butter, put one on either half of the toast, let start to melt momentarily until they’re soft, and then both can be spread around to cover every inch of toast (which is a mandatory requirement of course). This requires a slight mental calculation of how much better is needed to cover the surface space, but any adult should be able to figure that out after two attempts. (And sorry, Beth, it still goes scritch scritch, but not for nearly as long.)

  16. Gosh, I just realized that I am with Greg on the toast-buttering. Perhaps it’s because I’m just slightly OCD, but I must also, like Greg, make sure every bit of toast is buttered, preferably with the same amount of butter. I spread it faster than Greg, but nevertheless. It makes me happy. It makes me satisfied. And it must drive my husband crazy.

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