I KNOW THE ANSWER

May 6 2017

Is it mental illness? Or just my personality? I asked you yesterday, and today I’m happy to report I KNOW THE ANSWER, at least as far as the toast is concerned.

I know the answer, friends, because Greg, bless his sweet heart, made me a video.

This video, which you should listen to, as I did, with the volume ALL THE WAY UP:

Yes.

Yes, I definitely know the answer now, and the answer is this:

I AM A TOAST TORTURE VICTIM.

And Greg is so good at Toast Torture that I have a form of Stockholm Syndrome.

I have developed a deep psychological alliance — an ABIDING LOVE — for the very man who butters his toast in this manner. He video tapes it. He sends it to me at midnight. He sends me instant messages and texts until I watch it with the scritch scritch scritching turned to HIGHEST VOLUME. And, even as I cringe, friends, I also laugh and laugh and laugh, so complete is his brainwashing of me.

But it is NOT mental illness that drives me to want to love/murder this man.

It is NOT a personality flaw.

It is the fact, becoming ever clearer, that I AM A TOAST TORTURE VICTIM
and RAGE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE.

The End

Love,