Greg Thinks My Cooking Looks Like an Open Wound

Greg thinks my cooking looks like an open wound. 

“BETH?” he yelled from upstairs. “WHY DID YOU POST A PHOTO OF AN OPEN WOUND ON YOUR BLOG?”

Listen; with a family our size, we have to yell from one floor to the other. Yes, our parents taught us not to hollar throughout the house because we are humans and not elephants trumpeting in the wilderness —“Go FIND people and TALK TO THEM WITHOUT YELLING,” my mother would yell — but we have too many people in our house for that to work. Do you have any idea how much exercise we would get if we always talked to our people in person around here? Every request and reminder? For all five children plus the spouse? THAT’S SO MANY STAIRS TO WALK, y’all. We’d get repetitive stress injuries like extreme marathoners, and, healthcare being what it is in America, WE CANNOT AFFORD THAT. So we yell. It’s just practical. 

So. “BETH?” Greg yelled from upstairs. “WHY DID YOU POST A PHOTO OF AN OPEN WOUND ON YOUR BLOG?”

And I yelled back, “I DID NOT POST A PHOTO OF AN OPEN WOUND ON MY BLOG.” 

And he yelled, “YES, YOU DID. I’M LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW.”

And I yelled, “I DIDN’T.”

And he yelled, “OH, YEAH. I SEE IT NOW. IT’S JUST PIE.”

Which is when I realized my beloved partner — the man to whom I committed my life and body — can’t tell the difference between my cooking and torn flesh. 

There is no point to this post other than to make you feel good about whatever you’re putting on your table. I live to serve. Simply ask yourself from now on, “Does this look better than a fresh, bloody lesion?” If the answer is yes, you’re doing better than me. 

You’re welcome. Weird encouragement is better than no encouragement?

Love,

 

 

 

P.S. Click here for the recipe for Heinous-Rhymes-With-Anus Flesh Wound Pie

 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
6 comments
  1. HaHAAAAAA!! Greg’s a computer guy right? Maybe his eyes have a repetitive stress injury from screens all day and he needs to get them checked?

    And now you’ve made me hungry…which reminds me that breakfast was a handful of dry cereal in between feeding the cat and priming the feeding pump…and oh yeah, I have a cup of hot cocoa I’ve reheated three times now but not yet sipped…it just sounded good after five trips in the rain to load kids and wheelchairs and walkers and lunches and backpacks and spare clothes etc. into the truck…maybe I should take a break from emailing doctors and go WALK to the kitchen and FIND my mug… 🙂 🙂 🙂

  2. I don’t care who ya are, that there’s funny. (with apologies to Larry the Cable Guy.)

    And for the record, if you ever need someone to confirm that it is, indeed, pie, I will happily volunteer. I’ll even bring my own fork. 😉

    ((hugs)) Happy 2018 Friend.

  3. Personally, I think it looks yummy – and it’s dessert – so what’s the problem, anyway?!

  4. Oh yes – encouragement in any form is very, very welcome. Especially for Moms, right? Thanks for the laugh!

  5. That was an outloud laugh moment for me – thanks!

  6. There doesn’t seem to be much to say to this, but someone has to pop in and affirm that yup, I see you. Yup, he’s not wrong… And yup, I’d still eat that pie right there.

    Keep being the wilder you!

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