We’re Getting a Kitten! Don’t Tell Greg.

We’re getting a kitten! 

Don’t tell Greg

Also, don’t tell Abby.

Also-also, don’t tell my parents. 

None of those people will approve, and the first two will be downright hostile about it — Greg because he feels we already have enough living creatures around here costing us money (FALSE, Greg), and Abby because her soul is damaged and she doesn’t like animals. 

Actually, as long as you’re not telling people, don’t tell my younger kids, either. They WILL approve, but they’ll tattle on me to Greg and Abby, which will undermine my strategy: “Oh, do we have a KITTEN? How did that get in here??”  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, if I tell my younger kids, they’ll think they have a say in Which Kitten and Its Name, and then I won’t get to be the Kitten Picker and the Kitten Namer, so SSHHHHHH — tell NO ONE. 

Why a kitten and why now, you ask?

Well, Aden, my 16yo kiddo who experiences disability — and who’s often overlooked around here because she’s generally quiet and well-behaved unlike the rest of these helions who DEMAND ALL THE ATTENTION ALL THE TIME — has been asking for a kitten forever.

She’s also requested a horse, chickens, a unicorn, a pegasus, a dolphin, and a dragon, and we have, to date, failed to procure her a single one.

I think we can all agree a kitten is the easiest and least expensive of all these options, so really I’m doing Greg a favor. Yes? Yes. I couldn’t agree more, friends. I’ll tell him you said so.

Know what else? In an epic display of self-restraint, I specifically did NOT get a kitten  earlier this month, even though I was offered one FOR FREE.

Which means, technically, I’ve already given Greg No Kitten. A kitten he gets to NEVER HAVE. An absence of THAT KITTEN forever. So I’ve met Greg’s need, and now it’s time to meet Aden’s.

The math works in my favor, too. See, we used to have Zero Kittens, but then I released a Kitten We Didn’t Have, so now we have Minus One Kitten. A single negative kitten, if you will. So if we ADD a kitten for Aden — (Aden’s kitten MINUS Greg’s Not Kitten) — that will bring our household back to zero kittens again. 

^^^ This is what Zero Woolsey Kittens looks like.^^^

I am, in other words, a Problem Solving Miracle Worker (aka, a mommy) who magically meets everyone’s needs at once. 

AND WE’RE GETTING A KITTEN!

Sincerely,

 

 

 

P.S. In my defense, I have actually mentioned this plan to Greg, but I’ve also mentioned, among many other things, that  I’m buying a mini Jersey milking cow and that we’re moving to Belize. Since I’ve so far failed to deliver on any of these promises, he remains blithely optimistic, as though they can’t befall him anytime. His mistake, friends. His mistake.

P.P.S. Current lady kitten name options are as follows: Maeve, Lucy, Freya, Maisie, or Uma. Please provide your critiques.

P.P.P.S. We may not get our own kitten if I can convince my local animal shelter to let me foster all their kittens, instead. If, after all, we get All the Kittens and keep Zero, then our kitten numbers will be WELL into the negatives, which means we get pretty much Unlimited Kittens in the future without counting them toward our positive total. This seems to me to be excellent long term planning. I’ll provide an update as soon as possible.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
20 comments
  1. Zero. Its got to be Zero. “Z” for short 🙂

  2. I highly recommend fostering, but if your kiddo wants a kitten to keep, giving the fosters up will be tough. I started fostering after having two forever kitties, and dang if it doesn’t rip my heart out every time I have to say goodbye to them.

  3. Always get kittens in pairs. They entertain each other. And mathematically they cancel each other out, so still 0 kittens. And you get to pick 2 cute names.

  4. You have such SOUND logic…. I mean, how could it possibly be argued with ‍♀️.
    Also… totally love Mauve but I feel it must be an orange kitten aka a red head in order to truly fit that name…. Uma seems like it needs to be a black cat (Pulp fiction has scarred me for life)
    My pick would be Lucy because I feel like the kitten would totally treat your younger kids like Lucy treated Charlie Brown… “oh, you want to pet me? I will lay here all innocent and sweet till you start to act like you might actually touch me and then I’m just going to swipe my claws at you, just because I can”

    1. I love your name ! I never see it spelled that way.

  5. I am a mathematician and I approve of your math. Completely logical.

  6. Kitten and cat rescues are ALWAYS in desperate need of foster homes. Please do foster if it doesn’t use up too many spoons and make you a little (more) insane.

    Be warned however. Fostering leads to “failed” fostering. And you may end up with a fluffy orange bottle-fed gremlin baby that you just can’t let go. And you might name him “Leo” because you really didn’t expect him to survive. And when the foster lady tells you he’s “too ugly” and will likely end up in a colony because “no one will want him” you MIGHT, Might, I say, get stuck with him. Forever. And you might not even mind. Because he’s a furry jerkhead, but he’s YOUR furry jerkhead.

    #DontSayIDidntWarnYou 😉

  7. You are the QUEEN of logic. I totally get not telling littles or you’ll end up with some mangy thing named Benedryl or something. The argument my MIL gave my hubs for getting our current dog was “she is the one who will be taking care of it, let her get what SHE wants” so feel free to use that logic as well when choosing. 😉
    Obviously if you name it Zero, you would still have Zero cat. Another fine use of logic, you’re welcome.
    I won’t tell anyone, and can’t wait to see Zero cats at your house.

    1. PS – we can’t have cats due to allergies, so you can have ours too!!

  8. I’m the holdout in my house on the no-cats (for now) rule, so you may also have the kitten that I will not let my family get. It doesn’t count against your zero-quota because it’s ours. YOU’RE WELCOME, GREG.

  9. Your logic is flawless, except you really need to have TWO. Trust me. I have one old grumpy cat and 2 7 month old kittens. The two kittens PLAY WITH EACH OTHER. This is critical if you do not want to have to entertain another creature 24/7. And they sleep together, which is adorable. This is moot if you foster, of course, but if you are getting your own, go for two. You can get siamese–they’re small. My old cat is 17 pounds. My siamese (rescue kittens) are 3 pounds and 4 pounds at 7 months. They’re not getting much bigger. Technically that’s only 1/2 a cat between them…

  10. You’re logic is stunning! Also you have 5ish kids and dogs – it’ll probably take weeks for him to even notice the kitten amongst them. Seriously cats are way easier than dogs or kids and they eat practically nothing.

  11. I like the name Meave but it sounds so much like they already talk, so kitty might gt confused.
    Go with Maisie because they can’t saw ‘s’ but it’s close enough that she can say something close to it. Cats can talk. (And the dog) Ours all say grma and grmpa among other recognizable words – Mom being the most easy for them – but since they live around so many human speakers, they understand a lot.

  12. You are a logic wizard!

  13. I have a cat name Thor, so I think Freya is the best name for a kitten, obviously. Although I’m partial to the plan of fostering All The Kittens, because grown cats are fine, but eternal kittens seems like it would be the most fun. Because once they are grown, cats realize their true place as rulers of the house and then it’s all “I WILL sit on your hand when you are trying to work on the computer” and “This lap is big enough for both the laptop AND me” which is not really true but Thor thinks it is and so my laptop is often in peril of falling off my lap. Grown cats are also judgey and have a tendency to climb up to high places and stare down at you like “Really, peasant?” So I vote for kittens forever, which is the same as having zero cats.

  14. Excellent plan. I see no possible way this could go wrong. Also, I use this great Chrome add-on called “Make American Kittens Again” that provides stock photos of kittens every time it suspects I’m going to be subjected to an image of Trump, so I kept thinking this was a political post.

  15. Is that photo of Zero Woolsey Kittens the actual kitten? Because she is beautiful! I’m fond of the name Lucy of the ones you mentioned. Though my friend has a dog named Zero, and that works too, except sometimes she calls him Gladys after Gladys Kravitz on account of him always having his nose out the window. Also, if anyone had taught me to do math the way you are explaining math I’d probably be good at it. But no one did so I flunked Math 110 in college and ended up majoring in French instead of psychology. I guess it turned out okay because I work for an airline where I don’t use French ever, but I do use some math and I do talk to my share of crazy folks. Anyhow, congrats on the kitten. I won’t tell anyone! It’ll be our secret!

  16. Name the kitten “Zero”

    1. I’m with Sarah… Zero is by far the best name

  17. I have one foster baby girl left, her name is currently Hermione…but of course she answers to nothing so that could easily change….I’ll deliver! I’m the worst foster mom, because I want to keep them all! The heart wants, what the heart wants. ❤️

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