We’re Getting Baby Skunks Because We’re Good Americans.

Now hear this: if I can’t physically rescue baby humans from cages, I am going to rescue All the Baby Animals. 

All of them. 

Every single one.

I mean, YES, I am ALSO taking action on behalf of the small humans. But no one is letting me march into those detention centers with my wire cutters while holding a separated mommy’s hand so we can reunite her with her kid and stop this insanity, so I’m finding I need to take other actions, too. Tangible ones. To soothe this world and myself. To reduce the amount of harm. And it doesn’t hurt my mental health if those actions require me to snuggle tiny, furry creatures. 

I started with foster puppies.

I’m moving on to foster kittens next. 

And we’re getting a domesticated fox as soon as I find an extra $9,000 hidden in the couch cushions,  because Greg said we can have one

Now, foxes are technically not rescue animals, but I fail to see how Beth Woolsey Has a Fox does not make the world a better place, and I’m willing to try all angles right now for World Improvement. Also, does that animal not look like the cuddliest? I mean, no; no, it doesn’t, but I’m pretty sure that’s just ‘cause it’s sad it doesn’t live with us yet. 

In the meantime, though — while waiting for the next foster felines and canines to arrive — what’s a girl to do? 

DO NOT WORRY. I HAVE SOLVED THIS PROBLEM thanks to Zoey, the Very Best Dog Ever, who came inside last night sprayed by skunk. 

SHE BROUGHT WORD FROM THE SKUNKS, FRIENDS.

At great risk to herself!

I mean, sure; at first we were dismayed. It was 11pm, and all the children were in bed when the Most Terrible Smell filled our senses and every crevice of our home.

And yes, we had to rush to The Google to discover the Best and Fastest Way to Remove Skunk Stank from thick, absorbent fur and sweet doggy eyes.

But while we all washed and scrubbed and rinsed in a Heroic Group Effort in Our Underwear, I REALIZED THIS IS THE SKUNKS’ CRY FOR HELP. 

I told Greg. New plan! WE ARE FOSTERING BABY SKUNKS. Clearly the poor dears are lashing out at this cruel, cruel world. They just need a little loving. It’s going to be awesome. Baby skunks everywhere, y’all. We are going to be a Baby Skunk Sanctuary. A Baby Skunktuary.

Then we can develop a domesticated skunk program like the Russians did with the foxes. America is pro-Russia now, so this is PERFECT. The ideal way to show our patriotism. 

THERE IS NO DOWNSIDE. Especially because I’ve heard baby skunks can’t spray. I’ve verified that in zero places because verification of facts occasionally undermines what I want to believe. So YOU may say “baby skunks can’t spray = alternative facts,” but *I* say you can’t trust what the media says because they have their own liberal ANTI BABY SKUNK agenda, and you’re just too stupid to see it. Why have facts when I can have harmful opinions instead? 

In conclusion, we’re getting baby skunks because we’re good Americans. BABY SKUNKS FOR EVERYONE. 

I can feel the world healing already.

Sincerely, 

 

 

 

P.S. Greg is ecstatic at this news. He keeps staring at me and shaking his head, speechless, so great is his awe and joy.

 

 

 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
17 comments
  1. I have held a deep and abiding love for skunks ever since a nature program on TV taught me that they are immune to rattlesnake poison. They. Kill. Rattlesnakes. Now that I live in rattlesnake country, this makes skunks my bestest friends ever. AND we are former kitten fosterers (who only quit because one kitten converted to a permanent resident, but the Big Resident Cat eats special food, so we are officially out of extra bathrooms to house foster kittens in) so bring on the foster skunk kits!

  2. Skunks really are adorable. All fluffy, and with a classic color scheme. My parents had a cat who was small with a very fluffy tail, and at one point she befriended the neighborhood skunk. We think they bonded over having fabulous tails. We’d see them hanging out in the front yard together from time to time. She never got sprayed, but it turned out that the skunk was less tolerant of the dog, even though the dog was ALSO black and white. So yay for not seeing color?

  3. I have some skunks you could have! I’ve been looking to re-home them ever since we discovered a whole skunk family (3 babies included!) living under our shed, right next to the kids’ playground area. I’ve seen them a number of times, waddling through the brush. The little ones are super cute and I heard that they can’t spray until they are a month or so old. I’m not sure how old these ones are though.

    On a side note: how did Zoey fare? Did the anti-stink treatment work? I have a feeling I may be in need of your wisdom soon.

  4. Just tell Greg they are striped cats.

    1. Sold. He’ll never know.

  5. You should be President of The World! Your ideas would solve all the problems!

    1. RIGHT?? I keep hoping God will appoint me since the position is vacant, but no luck yet.

  6. Of course the fox just needs to come home with you and then it will not be sad any longer and will be the cuddliest thing ever. That’s what I tell my husband all of the big cats at zoos are thinking when they are looking at me. It’s not, “Darn, I’d like to eat that!”, it’s “Oh, that woman loves and understands me like no one else, and I want to go live at her house!”

    1. I mean, what’s the difference between cats and tigers, anyway? Size is all, and we’re not size-ist around here, so ALL THE CATS ARE WELCOME. Just like All the People.

  7. I just love you. Thank you for the wonderful laugh and the well placed sarcasm.

  8. Thank you. I needed that laugh.

  9. Hi Beth! I’ve followed your blog for years, but foxes and skunks make me want to finally comment! I have a friend who has a rescue skunk- and yes, they are cuddly and adorable! So you probably should rescue even more skunks. Just don’t tell Greg they require special homes to live in. And if you need a fox fix, you should definitely follow Juniper foxx on instagram. So adorable! Thanks for sharing your messy with us and waving in the dark.

    1. RESCUE SKUNK. I knew this was a thing! KNEW IT. Please deliver this message to your friend’s skunk… “TELL ALL YOUR SKUNK FRIENDS I’M ON MY WAY.”

      (And thanks for saying hi, Heather!)

  10. I saw baby skunks Saturday! A whole skunk FAMILY!! Possibly more than one baby, but it was hard to tell because they were all scrabbling around in the bushes and I didn’t want to get too close. But they are sooooo cute with their tiny little paws.

  11. Baby skunks? Oh, my! I would love to read about this experience!

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