How to Take Great Selfies in 5 Easy, Teenager-Approved Steps

This is not today’s post, which I told you yesterday I would write. Today’s post is probably going to be tomorrow’s post. Or Friday’s post. Or whatever. I’ve been up with pukers for 5 nights in a row – SIX days of pukers with no end in sight, and I don’t even know what day it is anymore, man.

Instead, we’re going to do a Selfie Tutorial today because I have access to a thousand teenagers and those people know how selfies work. They invented the artform, after all. And then they perfected it, one awesome picture at a time. So if you’re a grown-up and you’ve been longing to know how to take better selfies, this is the post for you. ...  read more

My Parents Were Good at Everything. Now I Am, Too.

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When I was 8 years old, I made my mom a cake for her birthday, and I did it all by myself. I told her to stay out of the kitchen and not come in ’til it was done. STAY OUT, MOM. It was a surprise.

I worked on that cake for hours. Days. Or maybe 30 minutes. Time is wonky when you’re a kid. But it was a LONG TIME. And that was just the mixing. I sat there in the kitchen of our tiny ranch house with my mom 10 feet away — I SAID STAY OUT, MOM — and I meticulously sourced every ingredient.  One box of cake mix. One cup of water. Three eggs. And three cups of oil. One by one, I measured and dumped everything together. ...  read more

Warning: Kids Grow Up. This Is Not a Drill.

I feel like it’s important to warn you so you at least have a chance to avoid me today. To hunker down in your house under your blankets or your baby’s burp-rag or whatever you can find. To lock yourself in the bathroom and to tell your littles to shush and quiet down and here, eat this whole Hershey bar so the crazy lady outside can’t hear us when I come pounding on your door. To not answer the phone when I call you. To put an out-of-office notice on your email. To runRun, is what I’m saying. Save yourselves. ...  read more

How to Use an Eye Phone

Abby and I were in Portland last weekend for her dance convention. This is why:

photo 1 (42)

And, of course, this:

Abby flies

I love spending time in Portland. It soothes my soul.

photo 3 (31)

And I adore spending time with my oldest kid. Because even though we can be whiny and needy and human…, photo 2 (47) … she also teaches me important things I need to know like how to take trendy eyeball photos with (I’m so, so sorry about this) my eye-phone. Like this: photo (40)(Nice eyeball, Abby.) ...  read more

5 Do’s and Don’ts for Raising Middle Schoolers: What To Do When You Can’t Drop-Kick Them Over the Fence

Oh, man.

His body is too big for his brain right now, you guys. It’s one-half Bambi On Ice around here and one-half T-Rex Takes Manhattan. The holes in the wall are, I feel, simply an outward symbol of an inward reality.

It’s okay, though, this Parenting a Middle Schooler thing. It is. It’s normal, right? Normal and exhausting and exhilarating and consuming and every day. Relentless, like all of parenting. Harder in some ways than parenting littles because I can’t tuck this kid under my arm and bodily move him to a timeout chair. Easier in some ways than parenting littles because he can clean my whole laundry room which is AWESOME on toast with a side of butter. So it’s okay, see? Some days, I even believe we’ll all survive this. ...  read more

I love you. You’re not alone. Knock it off.

Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, sweet child, whom I love very, very, very, very, very, very much,

Knock it off.

You are driving your family crazy, man.

Crazy to the moon.

And when I say “your family,” I include you in it, ’cause I can see it in your eyes, this confusion at your own behavior. This mystery at the vitriol that erupts. This wondering at the drama. This fact that you’re driving yourself crazy, too. And I assure you, you’re not alone. ...  read more