My brother and I never didn’t bicker.

Today is my little brother’s birthday. Jeff is 35. Woohoo!

Here’s what I need for you to know about Jeff:

Jeff pooped his pants a lot when he was younger.

Like, Jeff pooped his pants ’til he was 17. Or maybe just ’til he was 6. It’s hard to say for sure; time was all wonky when I was a kid.

My mom told me not to make fun of my brother for pooping his pants. She also told me to be nice to him and to share my stuff with him and to include him in games with my friends, so she was pretty much irrational all the way around. ...  read more

Backward is the New Forward: Thoughts on Poo

“Uuhhh, Jeff?” I asked my brother pointedly, “Do you know that your kid’s got his pajamas on backward?”

I dunno; it didn’t seem like a completely stupid question at the time even though my kids wear crap backward all the time. Like hats. And pants. And pajamas. And attitudes. And actual crap. 

And it’s not that I care that stuff’s on backward. Anyone who’s spent 25 minutes with my family knows that. ...  read more

My Niece, My Prodigy

My niece: I want french fries.

Her dad: Well, I want good listeners.

My niece: But Daddy, we HAVE french fries.

…..

My little brother, Jeff, is a daddy.

Jeff and Kim have three kids.

Their kids are aged 3, 2 and almost 1.

That’s three kids aged 3 and under.

Three kids aged 3 and under is slightly less overwhelming than three kids aged 2 and under, which is what they had a few months ago. ...  read more

The Baby Fell Out!

The baby fell out!

Into the waiting arms of a doctor.  Just as planned.  But still.  It felt very dramatic.

Look what Jeff and Kim made.

Aw.

They done good.

So good.

This very proud auntie is happy to introduce you to my newest nephew.

Congratulations to Jeff, Kim and the baby’s big sister and big brother!

AND ALSO TO ME!  The new auntie. ...  read more

To The Toilet Bowl

A title like “To The Toilet Bowl” makes it sound like this is going to be a letter to my toilet bowl.

If that’s what you were expecting, I offer my sincere apology.

Unfortunately, I’m simply not prepared at this time to confront my toilets’ accusations of abuse, their photographic “evidence” of such (I swear they stained themselves), or their class-action lawsuit against my family.  So I have no comment at this time.  If you need further information, please see my lawyer. ...  read more

Sisters

I grew up without a sister.

My sister-in-law, Kim, finds that tragic.

But I’ve never missed having one.

Never ever.

Except the time when I was 3, and my parents brought home a baby brother.  Which was the exact opposite of the gender I requested.  Because, apparently, my parents can’t follow basic instructions.

So, when I was 3, I missed having a sister. ...  read more

FAQ and Other Stuff I Shouldn’t Say

FYI, I say “FYI” a lot.

You know.  FYI.  Meaning “for your information.”

I was talking to my 12-year-old one day, and she mimicked me by saying, “FYI, Mom, I want a laptop.”

And I responded, “F your I, Abby, you’re not getting one.”

F your I, I’m a parenting genius.

Sometimes I have conversations with myself as though I’m more than one person.  They go like this: ...  read more