Don’t Puke

Abby:  Mom, say you’re sorry.

That’s a common request these days from my 12-year-old daughter.

So is my response.

Me:  Now what?

Abby:  For embarrassing me.


For that.

The only problem is I’m not sure which of these embarrassing things to apologize for:

  1. Making up the “Don’t Puke” song as my special way to discourage Abby’s carsickness on a long ride home.
  2. Singing it a few days later for Abby’s friends.
  3. Embellishing it operatically, for which the friends likened me to a dying walrus.

Before I offer an apology, I usually question whether I can do so authentically.

In this case, though, and pretty much any “you embarrassed me” situation, I’m pretty certain I owe her the apology.

It’s genuinely very embarrassing to have me as a mother.  You probably already believe me.  But just in case you need to be convinced…

Abby made an audio recording of my original car performance.

Proving once and for all that I have no pride — other than the internal cringing I’m doing right now — and questioning whether or not I should really hit “post” on this monster — I offer you this, my international vocal debut:

Don’t Puke

Lyrics transcript (’cause I know you care):

Me, to Abby:  Sing with me?

(Abby shakes her head and purses her eyebrows at me in a split-second there’s-no-way-this-side-of-heaven — oh, and also, you’re the dumbest mom ever — kind of way.  And if you don’t believe someone can purse her eyebrows, you’ve never been around a preteen girl child.)

Me, singing:  Dooon’t puke.  Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh.

Don’t puke.

(Insert breathless giggling ’cause I can’t believe I’m letting her record this.)

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh.

Don’t puke…

‘Cause if you do, it’ll smell like vomit.

Dooon’t puke.  Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh.

Don’t puke. Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh.

Don’t puke…

‘Cause if you do, it’ll SMELL LIKE VOMIT.

Me, talking: OK, that’s all.

Abby: No. You forgot “in my car.”

Me: Oh.

Me, singing: IN MY Ca-AR!

Me:  There you go.

Well, there’s that.

You can see that I clearly owe Abby an apology.

And legal fees.

And damages.

You can also see why I haven’t made millions (or thousands… or ones) off of my brilliant musicality, even though I channeled my very best 80’s hairband style by making my voice all gravely on “it’ll smell like vomit” and “in my car.”

Me to Abby:  I’m sorry I embarrassed you.

Abby:  I forgive you.

She’s nice that way.

Me:  Abby?

Abby:  What, Mom?

Me:  Should I just go ahead and apologize in advance for all the humiliating things I’m going to do in the future?

Abby:  That’s going to be too many things, Mom.

Truer words, people.

Truer words.

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15 responses to “Don’t Puke”

  1. If you’d like to develop the “Don’t Puke” song further, you know a one-time professional songwriter and singer. At the very least, she might be able to work on an arrangement for you. I think it needs harmony and back-up vocals.

  2. As you know, it has long been a dream of mine to be as big in Europe as the Hoff. 😉

    Just so you know, my talking voice is pretty accurate in the audio… but my singing voice is more Man Voice, as I was doing my best to be particularly Rock-ish. Don’t judge me on my man voice. Ha!

  3. By the way, I just got to listen to the ‘Don’t Puke song’ (it might become a European hit, you never know, we worshipped The Hoff for a while, so… 😉 ) because there was something wrong with our computer’s speakers, love it! Love love love it! I’m almost wanting our kids to get carsick, just so we can sing this to them (no, I’m not, that was a joke… hahaha!).
    Anyway, that was the first time I actually got to hear your voice and that was a very funny experience! I know what you’re thinking, ‘funny haha’ or ‘funny weird’? Well, neither I guess. What I thought was funny that your voice is different from what I had in my head (kind of like when you read a book and then they make a film of it 🙂 ). Much better actually. I think I imagined it to be more like my own, which is much more shrill (that’s a word, right?) and high-pitched… Can we trade? 🙂

  4. 🙂

    I embarrassed her again today. But I’m prohibited from blogging about it. I need to start keeping a file for her to review annually so she can tell me what I’m allowed to release later.

  5. Oh how true that is, we parents just embarrass our kids without even knowing!!! Well, sometimes we do it on purpose – but it is for their own good! Love the recording, certainly added to the whole understanding! TY

    • Julie… YES!

      It totally worked. Can you believe it??

      Although, as I told my friend Trina, I’m not sure if she felt better because the song worked or because I stopped singing. 😉

    • Neither can my husband. 😉

      I don’t think he’d appreciate me singing a song about it, though.

    • Now I get to Bahahaaa!

      I can’t decide if I should be offended that you think I need voice lessons just because I sound like a dying walrus (you should hear the opera version… teehee!)… or AMAZED that you think it’s even remotely possible that I can improve!

      Going with amazed! 🙂


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