Schadenfreude: The Pants Edition

I had some pants altered.

(Heh heh… that’s the best start to a blog post EVER.

After all, who doesn’t want to hear about pants?  No one!  That’s who.

No one doesn’t want to hear about pants.

Double negative = positive.

This is the problem with the world, people.  Sometimes, two wrongs do make a right.

It’s all so very confusing.

But back to my pants!  Which you cannot WAIT to hear about…)

I had some pants altered.

They’re good pants.  Black.  Soft.  Classy.  Double-button closure.  Nice, long lines… if you can ever say that a woman who cheats on her tip-toes to reach 5′ 2″ has long lines, that is.  (I have to believe it’s possible.)

They’re versatile pants.  I can wear ’em to work.  I can wear ’em to church.  I can wear ’em out to dinner.  I can never, ever wear them where my kids can wipe their noses on them; snail trails show up really well on black.  OK; they’re mostly versatile.  I take away that part about church.  My children go to church.  I wear jeans and flip flops.  Sorry, God.

But, despite their wonderful qualities, I haven’t worn the pants much.  See, I got them when I weighed a lot more than I do right now.  And even though I’m still generously overweight (which is a way, WAY better term than obese… take that, stupid BMI!), I had to have the pants taken in.  Taken in! Best pants phrase out there.  Taken in.  Taken in.  Taken in.  YEEHAW!

So I buckled down, found a tailor, and dropped trou in front of a perfect stranger to have my pants fixed.  I figured, correctly as it turns out, that alterations are cheaper than buying new.  And, other than exposing stretch marks and celulite, which I had the uncontrollable urge to explain to this kind woman (really – I stood there stuttering things like “twins” and “I swear I’m working on it” and other things I’ve blocked from my memory), it was a relatively painless process.

My pants were magically altered in one week.

Well, they were probably altered using mad seamstress skills, but it might as well be magic, as far as I’m concerned.

So I’m calling them my magic pants.

Stop it.  I can call them whatever I want.  Magic pants, it is.

I threw them on to wear to work today.  And, guess what?  They fit like magic.

After a morning of dealing with a flat tire (by which I mean Greg dealt with a flat tire… but what’s his is mine, right?), getting 1 out of 5 kids dressed (the others are still in their pajamas, as far as I know), feeding 3 out of 5 dry cereal and granola bars (what? you feed all of your kids?), and rushing to work a mere 30 minutes late (a marked improvement over last time), I was wearing pants that fit like magic.

I sat down in my car (on one pen and a whole pile of fingernail clippings… seriously, who’s sitting in the driver’s seat and clipping their nails?), and the pants… the non-lyrca, non-spandex, non-elasticized-in-any-way pants gave with my body.  They flexed and bent just right.  They didn’t bunch up.  They didn’t snag.  They didn’t cut or pull or do any of the weird things pants sometimes do.

And I thought, “Ah.  Pants that fit are one of life’s great pleasures.”

And then I thought, “I must be losing more weight magically in my magic pants.”  ‘Cause these pants, while they fit wonderfully when I tried them on at the tailor’s place, didn’t have quite this much give to them.

And then I thought, “This is the best day ever. Who cares about flat tires and parenting failures when you’ve got great, loose-fitting pants?

I walked into work a happy and content woman.  Amazing, considering that school starts for the kiddos next week, and I’m grossly unprepared from a planning, scheduling, and supplies perspective.

I wandered around work, completing tasks, and I considered the miracle of the pants.  I reminded myself that, sometimes, when we least expect it, things just go right.

And that’s the same moment when I discovered…

my fly’s been unzipped all day.

Um, oops.

Wearing suddenly tighter pants,
Beth

(Happy Schadenfreude!)

Next Post
Previous Post

ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
20 comments
  1. […] Schadenfreude or serendipity?  It’s so very hard to choose just one word. […]

  2. […] My love of schadenfreude is well-documented, like, to name just two, the time I told you about my schadenfreudenous pants and the time I told you about my schadenfreudenous drive.  Basically, having fünf children […]

  3. […] left Halloween costume decisions for SO LONG, then you clearly read this blog because I am your schadenfreude.  In which case, this post is also for […]

  4. Ha! That DOES make me feel better!

    P.S. It’s no secret! Weight Watchers is my occasional, but always helpful when I actually listen, friend. Running’s been a boon, too.

  5. haha! you’re so funny, miss bethie. if it makes you feel any better, i was walking around the mall the other day with my fly unzipped too. {{sigh}}

    p.s. are you gonna do a post sometime about this magic weight loss of yours? do share!

  6. I just wore my magic snot-trail pants yesterday! They are so good, my mom found me another pair. So I have one pair that fits, and one that is three inches too long (also 5’1″). Ah well, no worries when there is no panty line.

    1. Love it! I always wish I had a special magic spell that would tell me whenever I’m about to buy an item that will become a favorite… because after I find those fabulous pants or that wonderful bra and REALIZE it’s my new fave… it’s too late and I can’t find it again. ARGH! Your mom rocks… can I send her my list to find, too? 😉

      1. Oh, I wish for that same magic spell or super power or whatever! I have some shoes I should have bought a gross of!!!! Now, since I wore them all summer, they are no longer the amazing foot cradling, comfortable, semi-casual-so-they-can-go-with-anything flip flops that they once were….

  7. From now on, I’m just gonna call this blog my ‘happy place’. It’s been my go-to-place for quite a while now, but every time I think it just can’t get any better, it does. Now that’s magic for ya right there. MAGIC I say 🙂
    Congrats on getting your pants altered by the way. I’m still in elastics, which I’m embracing for the time being, but what will I do (WHAT will I do???) when this baby pops out? Seriously. Anyone? 😉

    1. Aw! Thanks, Carina!

      Live the elastic. Love the elastic. Embrace the elastic. And good job growing your baby!

  8. Wow. I’m so soo glad it was just your zipper and not the horrible rip that I (my husband regularly calls me Miss Worst-Case Scenario) was bracing myself to hear about since the eleventh sentence from the end. Enjoy your pants.

    1. Hehehe. I DID think about that mid-writing.

      Particularly loved the phrase “enjoy your pants.” 😀

      Thanks. Thanks very much!

      1. The rrrrip! totes happened to me when I was 8 months pregnant and working 88 hours a week as an executive chef. I bent down to get something out of the freezer and RRRIPPP!

        I got an extra apron and tied it over my exposed maternity panties in back and went back to work. And wore them five more times that month with three safety pins in place and the second apron in back because no way in HECK was I replacing those expensive preggo pants with less than 4 weeks to go.

  9. Fantastic, wonderful, great-fitting, magic pants WITH air conditioning. Now I think we can all use a pair of those!

    1. 😉 Thanks, Holly. Welcome back from your summer away! I need to shoot you an email to ask how it all went. Glad to see you back online.

  10. Ah Beth, no matter how my day is going, I can come here and you put a smile on my face! Thanks for the laugh today!

    1. And thank YOU for saying so! A joy to hear from you.

  11. Thanks for the laugh. You make me feel better about my life. Not that it’s smoother than yours, but misery loves company. Not that I’m miserable. YKWIM.
    And yes. Generously overweight is WAYYYYY better than obese. And WAAAAAAAAYYYYY better than “morbidly obese.”
    For the record. school starts here on Tuesday also, and I am about 1/2 ready with supplies, and have no idea what my kid will be wearing.

    1. I’ve resigned myself to naked kids. It’s the night before school starts, and I have no outfits ready. Ah, well. We’re making memories, right??

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.