On Bank Accounts and Money Trees

Somewhere between that fender-bender a few weeks ago and forgetting to pay my daughter’s dance tuition all fall (ALL *gasp* FALL), my bank account has suddenly dropped a few pounds.

In fact, I’d say my bank account is looking incredibly svelt. Nice and trim, sashaying around my house all “I’m SO much skinnier than YOU” and “Did you see me try on that Size 2? It was totally baggy” and “REALLY? You CAN’T fit into your high school cheerleading uniform?! That is SO WEIRD because mine fits GREAT.”

True story. I swear by everything that is holy that I’d strangle her if I didn’t need so desperately to keep her alive.

You know what my problem is? NO WAIT! Don’t tell me! (You might list too many things.)

My problem is I lack foresight.

I mean, sure, I can see a preschool child in slippery socks heading too fast for the corner of a wall, and I can almost always deploy some combination of Super Speed, Super Strength, and Super Wrench-Out-My-Shoulder to get to that wall in time to prevent an emergency room bill and more forehead stitches.  BUT I can’t manage to look at, oh, all of my BILLS for which I’m, you know, BILLED IN WRITING and then actually pay them on time.

Lack of foresight, I tell you.

And reading. Lack of reading. Which, as a writer, is pretty ironic.

Because if I HAD foresight, I would’ve planted that darn money tree upon the adoption referral of our first child more than thirteen years ago, which SURELY would’ve produced bucket-loads of money by now.

Forget about an Easy Button. I want a Do-Over Button. And a GIANT money tree big enough to build my kids an intricate Victorian tree house with a staircase and a flushing toilet.

Actually, never mind about the toilet, because we all know that I’d have to climb that staircase myself to make sure that the toilet ever gets flushed. They can just pee off of the balcony, instead. After all, it’s important to be realistic when planning the house that’s going in my money tree.

You probably know that I rarely-to-never dispense advice because I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. But if you’re a brand new mama, I’m making the exception right now that proves the rule, because this is freaking awesome advice:


I guarantee that thirteen years from now, when the autobody repair shop calls, and the very nice office manager from your daughter’s dance studio calls… and your microwave calls to let you know that buttons numbered 4, 5, 6, and 7 are broken (seriously)… you will thank your lucky stars that you had the foresight to plant that darn tree.

Yours truly,

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10 responses to “On Bank Accounts and Money Trees”

  1. Please tell me where I can get some seeds to plant a money tree. I could desperately use one. I just realized that I haven’t paid some of my daughter’s doctor’s bills from August! Okay, okay. Maybe I didn’t “just realize” that right now. Maybe I’ve known about it for quite a while but just haven’t gotten around to paying them. Seems like I only remember that I need to pay them when I’m lying in bed in the middle of the night. I’m going to plan on taking care of those today since you actually made me think about it during the day. Thank you! 🙂

    I thought our microwave was bad because sometimes you either have to hit the button hard or you have to hit the button and pull on the bottom of the door to get it to open. You win though. All of my number buttons still work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my microwave died on me sometime soon considering it is 13 years old. Unfortunately, our 5 year old fridge died on us Thanksgiving weekend and we had to replace it. We lost lots of food and had to live out of a cooler for 2 weeks because no delivery dates were available any earlier. I have threatened all of the other appliances, big and small, that I will smash them to bits if they give out on me this year.

  2. Oh, I’m in so much trouble with the bills lately. I can’t seem to catch up/be on time!! I need a process. I used to have one – I don’t know what happened!

  3. Haha, I still haven’t paid my daughter’s fall dance tuition. Thanks for the reminder! I’ll get right on that money tree too. Love your writing style!

  4. Do you need to borrow a microwave (or maybe even have it)? We have a freestanding one that we don’t use because of our built in one.

  5. My eldest is 13, and my 5th is 4 months, and I planted a money tree in 2010 (just before conceiving), which has been working out so far! I did nothing for it for the first 3 months after giving birth, and I got about $380 each of those months. Now I’m back to carefully watering it and fertilizing it and nourishing it, and I hope it starts to seriously help me out sometime during my kids’ college years (although the first one or two may miss this particular boat). Maybe you’d like a cutting from my money tree; I’ve got plenty!

    • Seriously dangerous to post such an offer on such a wildly popular blog (because Beth is SO PRETTY!)….. Your money tree may end up not much more than a toothpick which would seriously decrease your revenue.

      That said, I live in Louisiana, I think a cutting would grow well here. I have 5 (ish) kids (I meet one of them sometime in the next two months, for the moment she is redecorating my middle) and could really use a fruitful tree….

      • 🙂

        The thing about cuttings is that if you take your time and do it right, there’s enough for everybody!

        I help people to shop for everyday items in a different way, and since the household products (laundry detergent, shampoo, toothpaste, make-up, etc) are things we all use every day, and work well, and are competitively priced, and all non-toxic, my shoppers are all repeat buyers, allowing me to take time off for having a baby, but still getting a paycheck.

        Part of my _job_ is to distribute cuttings to those who want to grow their own tree, and I very much enjoy doing it!

  6. So we’re supposed to plant the money tree PRIOR to having the first child? Well NOW you tell me…
    So…if I wanted to theoretically, better late than never, plant a money tree now….where might I find such a marvelous tree?

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