Announcing: The Not Screwing Stuff Up Seminar!

At the end of a recent post about, ahem, Screwing Stuff Up, I mentioned that I might, perhaps, be in slight desperate need of Not Screwing Stuff Up training.

I believe the direct quote was, “So if anyone’s offering that class – Not Screwing Stuff Up – please let me know. I will sign myself up. STAT. And then I will arrive at class 15 minutes late.”

And then you commented on that post about your desire to participate in the Not Screwing Stuff Up class, and I realized that I am not alone in my desperation and that it’s sure fun bumping around with you in the Screwed Up Pit of Doom. (I like to think of it as the Screwed Up Mosh Pit. Party!)

But, you guys, we may not be doomed after all! Because my dear friend, Julie Kingery, who is a bona fide medical doctor – she’s Julie Kingery, M.D. – volunteered to lead the Not Screwing Stuff Up seminar for us

I received Dr. Kingery’s offer by private message, and then I had to work for, like, a minute and a half to get her permission to share it with you here and open her seminar to the general public. But, after all of my finagling and hard work, she agreed.

I do these things for you. Because I love you, and God knows we mamas who Screw Stuff Up need each other as much as we need help from wise and accomplished women like Dr. Kingery.

Now, Dr. Kingery and I still have a lot of work to do. We need to find a location for her seminar. It needs to be a room with an enormous back row (or only a back row) because I’ve already promised to save at least six seats for you there and I have a funny feeling there are more back-row sitters we’ll need to accommodate. Also, we’re going to need a place with a huge bathroom for when Angie leaks through her nursing top and we all have to go to the potty together and turn our shirts around backward in mama solidarity. Also also, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you clearly don’t read every comment, like I do, but that’s OK – I’m still gonna let you go potty with the mama herd and turn your shirt around, because that’s the kind of friends we are.

So even though we’re not quite ready to hold the actual seminar, I thought you might be interested in seeing Dr. Kingery’s seminar synopsis. Just so, you know, you understand all of the awesome training you’re going to get when you do come to our class eventually.

And so, without further ado, I offer you this:

The Julie D. Kingery, M.D. Seminar for Not Screwing Stuff Up
(with my notes in parentheses)

Beth,

I volunteer to lead the Not Screwing Stuff Up seminar.

On paper my credentials look excellent. (That’s true! Did you see the M and the D after her name??)

I will develop a full curriculum with detailed handouts you can use as reference.

I will provide cookies. (Cookies!)

We will start strictly at 5pm but I will then spend 15 minutes fighting with the projector so everyone will have arrived and be in their seats as my first power point slide loads up and we get the projector focused.

I will then proceed to give a 50 minute talk on diarrhea and how you evaluate the patient and what you need to test them for. This will be a lecture that was supposed to be for medical students but since I actually gave them the Not Screwing Stuff Up talk accidentally, you all get the diarrhea talk.

In the long run we will determine this to be a win-win situation because medical students need help to not screw stuff up and moms are fascinated by diarrhea.

I will have remembered to bring the cookies for your seminar, so all is good.

Julie

…..

You guys, I cannot tell you how excited I am that Dr. Kingery has agreed to lead this seminar. Cookies and diarrhea. Truly, this is a woman who understands the hearts and minds of mamas everywhere.

Please feel free to use the comments section to sign up for Dr. Kingery’s seminar. And you know I’ll be there. Fifteen minutes (or so) late.

See you then!
Beth

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
16 comments
  1. Oh, Beth. You and your crazy bunch of momrades are so good for my soul. I’ve totally been in a feeling-sorry-for-my-sad-self funk tonight, and since I can’t go out for ice cream with Cai & Cael, since I’m stuck in a dark hotel room with a sleeping baby AND since I’m on the opposite side of the country, I was pretty sure I was just gonna stay funk-y. But this cured me. 😀 You’re the best.

  2. I think dads should naturally be included in a ‘Not Screwing Things Up’ Seminar. Of course, we often don’t realize we’re screwing things up until we’re informed of the fact–like chocolate chip cookies for breakfast (I mean, eggs + flour + butter = breakfast, right?)

    The natural drink for this seminar would be Screwdrivers, right?

  3. No need to make the OJ concoction! This is what kids are doing these days:
    http://www.instructables.com/id/Drunken-Gummies-Vodka-Infused-Gummi-Bears/

    No joke.

    And, I say, the seminar should be in VEGAS, BABY! You know, so we can all take baths alone and go to bed early after learning about poop while eating cookies and *ahem* regular ol’ gummy bears. (did you know too many gummy bears can actually cause diarrhea? weird connection.)

    And, Beth, I see your blog as the place where we learn not how to not screw stuff up, but instead to laugh and enjoy life *when* we screw stuff up, because we will. Thanks for that. <3

  4. Kathy, Sue, Angie – I think those balloons will disappear because they will have been filled with helium or nitrous oxide & we inhaled all of them on the way – not that I would know anything about doing such a thing…..

  5. Oh, I am so there! Just let me know when.

  6. Okay, I screw up all the time. I’ll pretend like I’m gonna write a book/ or blog about it someday to make me feel better. But that’s not why I’m commenting. I’m jealous because you mentioned Angie and then she’s like “oh you mentioned me, I’m famous.” And now I’m all “how come she doesn’t mention me and make me famous?” “I know you popular, but you gonna be famous today.”- famous rap lyric
    Love, Laura

  7. Does Dr. Kingery need help typing/coping her handouts? Cause I could totally do this. Of course, I’ll put off finishing these handout until about 3pm. Then turn into a screaming banshee because now I am going to be late and I haven’t even showered yet!! I’ll arrive about 15 mins late, flustered with crazy hair and wild eyes I’ll slump into the back seat where I will miss the fascinating lecture on diarrhea because I am too busy mentally beating myself up for procrastinating and being late.

  8. Please, please ,please may I attend the seminar???!!???? I am constantly screwing things up and arriving late. I also will need turn by turn directions because my GPS always stops working when I am within a mile of the destination, except when I already know where I’m going. And if I (kind of) know where I’m going, the GPS conspires to confuse me enough that I am always late.

  9. Did ya’ll know that today is Panic day? And I have to go to an actual event after work today, where I’ll be meeting my husband and son, who are riding with other cubscouts. The event is in the city, at a venue I’ve never before attended. Now I’m PANIC-ing that I am not going to be able to find it.
    I hope they have balloons and booze.

  10. Sign me up. Although I don’t have any kiddos at home now, I STILL can screw things up! My husband just looks at me when I’ve screwed something up and shakes his head. haha! Yep, that’s me! Can you put balloons all along the route, because I’m pretty sure I’ll need them and maybe signs with BIG arrows?!!? Even then, I’m sure I’ll drive right by….several times until I REALLY see them!!! Oh, you guys, I’m enjoying reading all the comments and just love your blog, Beth. Thanks for the chuckle this morning!!

  11. I’ll bring the flask.

  12. Holy cow I was mentioned! I feel so famous! 😀

    I can bring cookies too. I’m awesome at cookies. Or salsa dip and chips. Or poptarts, since that’s what I tend to crave when I’m in a learning environment. Who’s bringing the drinks? Haha, funny story. My husband took a class his senior year that was so awful, before class he and his fellow students would fill their water bottles with orange juice and this other liquid that was clear *ahem* and drink that during class. If it can make an awful class tolerable, it should make an awesome seminar a party. 🙂

    Oh, and can we put balloons or something outside? Even with turn by turn directions, I tend to drive right by where I’m trying to go. So we need to make this obvious.

  13. And my kids might actually behave. They’re fascinated by all things poop. All of them. Just today, the baby painted his crib ‘poop’ for me. See? They might be quiet a few minutes…oh, yes. I. AM. THERE.

  14. So is the seminar open to the idea of fencing off a side of the room for children? Because I’m fairly certain I’ll screw up and forget to line up a sitter. I’ll use the 15 minutes the good doctor is fighting the projector and make a nifty little enclosure out of all those pesky, unused first and second row chairs.

  15. Beth, I’d love to sign up for Dr. Kingery’s class!

    It might disqualify me, but since I’ll be early (I drive people CRAZY with my hurried panic to be early), I will help the good doctor with the projector. Don’t worry, I’m not all that technologically savvy, so although I’ll stand right by her and fiddle with it, I won’t actually speed the process along. I may slow it down a bit, in fact, allowing you that extra “or so” at the end of your 15 minute allowance.

    If it’s alright with you, I’ll bring cookies, too. But they’ll be nasty, because, although I try to bake yummy healthy things, the amount of yumminess is actually indirectly proportionate to the amount of healthiness. I’m KILLER at partnering with Duncan Hines to make brownies out of a box though.

    Oh, and I’m going to need turn-by-turn directions. You know, the detailed, drawn-out kind, with a map. “Turn left at the 3rd house. The one with the red minivan in the drive. Just past 5 bushes.” None of this “Turn west on Walnut Street” stuff.

    I can’t wait to see you there, wherever there is, at some point in the future.

  16. Right away I see a problem with this. She has let it be known that she will be fighting with her projector for 15 minutes. I will build this 15 minutes into my schedule, thereby making myself 30 minutes late for class, and an actual 15 minutes late for the fascinating lecture on diarrhea.
    I will need a seat behind that big back row, please. Save me a cookie.

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