French fries are made out of French: A Recipe

Cai, who’s 5, tells our friend Mike that French fries are made out of French. He says this in his Duh Voice as though we grown-ups should know this already and shouldn’t waste his valuable time asking rhetorical questions.

What do you think these French fries are made from, Cai?

Um, from French, Mike. It’s right there in the name. French fries.

Cai also thinks that he will not really melt into a puddle of goo if he continues to refuse my kisses even though I’ve explained and explained that Mommy Kisses have a special, protective enzyme without which there are no anti-goo-puddle guarantees. So, clearly, Cai doesn’t know everything.

That’s OK, though. Cai’s just a guy, muddling through the playground of life in zip-up jammies and snow boots and trying to figure out how to get more than his share of the fries. You know; like the rest of us.

(video from 2010 courtesy of my Abby: daughter and videographer extraordinaire)

Today, gentle reader, I’m going to show you how to make crack. And, by crack, I mean Garlic Oven Fries that are totally worth stealing from your brother. Now, let me just say that oven fries are made out of potatoes and not ovens. I’m telling you this explicitly so we avoid confusion and disappointment.

I know you probably already know how to make oven fries because they’re easy peasy. But there was a time, back in the day, when I had to call my mom on a phone with a cord and ask her how to bake a potato. And then my mom, who never laughs at anyone because she’s not a Meany McMocking Meanpants like her daughter, giggled. A lot. And those olden days phones with their fancy, curly cords had excellent sound quality that never crackled or broke up the sound bites, so I heard her quite clearly. In case you’re like the person I once was – a little light on the culinary skills – I’m gonna save you a touch of embarrassment and spare your mama from having an obligatory cackle at your expense.

I give and I give.


Garlic Oven Fries:
not a waste of time and WAY cheaper than crack 


  • 5 medium French (or potatoes – you pick) (also, I make double batches because my family is enormous – I only use 5 potatoes if I want to tease them)
  • 2 Tbsp. olive oil
  • 1 ½ tsp. garlic salt
  • ½ tsp. dried parsley (or fresh parsley or anything green that ordinarily wigs out small children – I do this as often as possible because it’s pretty and it desensitizes my kids to green stuff so they don’t throw fits when they see it at church potlucks or Aunt Dolly’s house – works like a charm!)


1. Preheat your oven to 450F.

2. Cut your potatoes…

…into uniform pieces that are vaguely, you know, French fry sized. I know; I’m a master of excellent instructions. It’s practically my spiritual gift.

For example, here’s a tip. Totally free! To cut potatoes into similar-sized pieces, use a knife…

and a cutting board.

It works every time.

3. Dump the potatoes and all the other ingredients into a bowl…

… and mix. I prefer to use my grandmother’s ancient pyrex bowl and a wooden spoon I bought at a discount store and burned on the edge of a skillet sometime around 1997. Old things and scarred things suit me. Oven fries might work if you use new, shiny things to mix them, but I can’t tell you for sure.

4. Lay your greasy potatoes flat on a pan…

… and then throw them in your screaming hot oven.

Leave them there for 17 minutes… or until ’til they’re golden brown when flipped, which is really the goal.

5. Flip ’em all golden side up…

… and cook another 15-17 minutes until the other side of the fries follow the trend.

And that’s it!

Cut, grease, season, bake, EAT.

Oh, yeah!

6. EAT!

I hope you love ’em as much as I do… which is with lots and lots and lots of bite marks.


The Boring Directions:

  1. Preheat your oven to 450F.
  2. Cut your potatoes to look like fries.
  3. Dump 2T. olive oil, 1½ tsp. garlic salt, and ½ tsp. dried parsley in a bowl with the potatoes and mix it all together.
  4. Spread ’em (on a pan). Bake 17 minutes. Flip. Bake 17ish minutes again. DO NOT REMOVE THEM ‘TIL THEY’RE VERY GOLDEN BROWN.
  5. Make bite marks all over ’em. Mmm!

P.S. You can find all of the Five Kids recipes here. Because who doesn’t want to find recipes at a site named PutDownTheUrinalCake, am I right??


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7 responses to “French fries are made out of French: A Recipe”

  1. Just checking back in again to say that I made these last night, and they were a hit with everyone, even though I substituted a large sweet potato for 3 of the regular potatoes. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I like how the add to the side is about how to cut down belly fat… =) These look AMAZING and I’m going to have to make them tomorrow night. And force my hubby to eat some veggie burgers because I love them. Maybe the fries will make it alright. And of course, my first place to look for recipes would be at a place called PutDownTheUrinalCake! Appetizing…

  3. Would you find it offensive if I dumped a packet of ranch seasoning all over your “crack” fries? I dump ranch packets onto almost everything.

  4. I want to eat a whole batch, but that would be bad, right? I suppose its a good thing the baby would not want to be put down long enough for me to make said batch….

  5. Mmmm! These are making me hungry too! I’ve tried making oven fries before, but I never could get them just right. I’ll definitely have to try making these for my brood! Thanks for sharing!

  6. Great. Now I’m hungry for those delicious looking fries! And its 1:30 am. And I’m not at home where I can do ridiculous things at 1:30 am, like make fries or bake cookies. I’m at a home-tel, as my 4 year old says (or a hotel for anyone needing a translation). But when I get home, I’m totally gonna make these. And for the record, I’ve made more things from recipes I’ve found on this blog than any other single website! I’ve made balls of meat and easy peasy cinnamon rolls. And now that I mention it, cinnamon rolls sound good too. I better go to bed….. : )

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