Breaking News: Pre-Turkey Day Rebellion

Breaking News: 1:00pm

Just outside of Portland, Oregon this afternoon, rebels fighting against the Clean the House Before Thanksgiving campaign are making headway. The breakthrough came when previously disparate opponents to entrenched ruler Mom formed a coalition and outlined succinct demands including:

      • candy for lunch
      • unlimited television
      • no cleaning
      • the right eat ham off their brother’s face in lieu of a plate

Although none of their demands have been met, there is a general feeling of optimism that Mom is weakening regarding the ham. The newly allied rebels consider this a major advance in their objectives. Furthermore, Mom insists that lines of communication remain open.

In a statement to this journalist earlier this morning, the opposition alliance said that Mom’s assurances were encouraging but they would be pressing her to fulfill her commitments.

Unfortunately, this journalist has since learned that Mom is attempting to use social media to elicit public sympathy. Rumors persist that she is merely mollifying the outraged masses in order to buy time to call in the Marine.

This is *, reporting live. Due to the volatile and constantly changing nature of this situation, please check back frequently for updates.

*name withheld to protect journalistic assets on scene

……….

UPDATE: 2:00pm

Rebels have taken over the television portion of the compound are staging a sit-in.

Mom is attempting to cut off their food supply, but the coalition has secured a cache of marshmallow fluff.

The rebels appear armed.

Mom continues to hold the office, the kitchen and the ham.

……….

UPDATE: 2:30pm

This news outlet is beginning to hear reports that the rebellion known as the Anti-Clean the House Before Thanksgiving movement is more widespread than initially suspected, possibly moving across the country in a coordinated attack to depose Moms everywhere. If you have eye-witness reports, please share.

……….

UPDATE: 8:00pm

This just in from eye-witness Terri: “Starting Friday, certain ones among my household enforced their control via germ warfare. Confirmation was received yesterday–influenza A was their technique. Thus, sleeping and TV watching have been primary activities. I have capitulated.”

Mom reports she spent the weekend battling two rebels intent on germ warfare, as well. Their fever went viral on Sunday. Their favorite tactic? Licking each other. And the couch. Note to moms everywhere: Be on the lookout for suspicious lickers.

……….

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
16 comments
  1. The rebels have been terribly successful over here. The “ruler mom” has given up any hope of getting them to help and is now simply trying to minimize the dectruction while she cleans. Candy and tv are absolutely available to any rebel willing to disarm (I cannot pick up another Nerf bullet!) The faction here in Kentucky has not yet mentioned eating ham off of siblings, but the ruler is extremely worn down and, truthfully, would likely give in quickly.
    Stand strong ruler mom! While we are not able to help in person (the rebels have us divided), we are sending you moral support!

    1. “The rebels have us divided.” Heh heh. Sure enough, mama! Even in my own compound that’s true.

      Your ability to consider candy/TV concessions and pursue the path of peace is admirable. I’ll take your example under advisement.

  2. Just a contract reminder to the beleaguered Mom fighting the retrograde action: having fulfilled my obligations to support and defend the Constitution of the United States I now operate as a free agent. “Free Agent” means I’m free to work for the highest bidder. If the quality of that ham is better than the quality of goods being offered by the defender, well… sucks to find out your reserves have gone over the the enemy.

    1. If I were you, I’d stick with the lady who buys you Scotch. Just saying.

      Also, the rebels probably licked all of the ham.

  3. My family (all 25 of us) elected to go out for Thanksgiving dinner this year, followed by dessert at my SISTER’S house. So, no unnecessary house cleaning! Works for me!

    1. SMART! We’re leaving, too, for my Cousin Jen’s house. Cousin Jen is one of my heroes, in no small part for the fact that she’s one of the only people in the universe who will have ALL OF US to her house OVERNIGHT. For three nights, actually. All of this cleaning and corralling is just so I’ll be willing to come home again… couldn’t bear to walk in the door to the mess I’ve been living in.

      Enjoy your dinner out!

  4. Do. Not. Get. Me. Started. I am already in stroke mode about the state of this house. I’ll celebrate Thanksgiving when the other “people” living in my house learn that the floor is not a trash can. Thanksgiving shmanksgiving…

    1. Ha! I’d also like my children to learn that *I* am not a garbage can. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

      1. Oh good. So I am not te only one handed trash all the time. Or, look down to find trash in my hand because I am so used to being given things I just take it before looking down to see what it is.

  5. I usually root for the rebels, you know, the underdogs. However, I really feel for this “ruler mom” person. I mean, she just sounds outnumbered and is really trying to communicate. However, to keep the communication flowing, maybe she should give into one of the demands. I mean, the ham thing could work. I’m sure it is very moisturizing for the brother with the face for a plate while the other brother is getting some much needed protein. I wish the current ruler well and will be checking in often. Is this the only news source of can I check progress on CNN?

    1. It’s hard to understand why the media isn’t covering this one, isn’t it, Laura? I’m baffled.

  6. I like Christine’s plan. My son had 2 half days of school, is off tomorrow. The only day I get “off” (HA!) is Thursday. I spent the weekend cleaning. I am begging him to just sit in front of the television – no legos, no cars, no little toy soldiers. Puhleeze. Just for another day or two???? Mommy will be certifiable if I have to re-clean before Thursday.

    1. I feel your pain, Cathie. Two of my kids are off ALL WEEK and another couple of kids caught a virus so they could keep those first 2 company. Add two weekends, and we get to have a nine-day vacay together.

      P.S. I might have begged a teacher at yesterday’s parent/teacher conference to take my kid back. Also, I might have offered a bribe.

  7. I would let them have candy once they finish the job. Incentive, you know?
    Plus, in order to keep the house clean once it is that way, they can watch however much TV they want; because kids watching TV are not kids making a mess. 🙂

    1. unfortunately, in my house, even TV watching is an active event…and now I must get off the computer as I think I hear tools being used outside….

    2. Yep – at my house, TV watching turns into a full contact sport! But I’ll give your concessionary ideas consideration, Christine.

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