Breaking News: 1:00pm
Just outside of Portland, Oregon this afternoon, rebels fighting against the Clean the House Before Thanksgiving campaign are making headway. The breakthrough came when previously disparate opponents to entrenched ruler Mom formed a coalition and outlined succinct demands including:
- candy for lunch
- unlimited television
- no cleaning
- the right eat ham off their brother’s face in lieu of a plate
Although none of their demands have been met, there is a general feeling of optimism that Mom is weakening regarding the ham. The newly allied rebels consider this a major advance in their objectives. Furthermore, Mom insists that lines of communication remain open.
In a statement to this journalist earlier this morning, the opposition alliance said that Mom’s assurances were encouraging but they would be pressing her to fulfill her commitments.
Unfortunately, this journalist has since learned that Mom is attempting to use social media to elicit public sympathy. Rumors persist that she is merely mollifying the outraged masses in order to buy time to call in the Marine.
This is *, reporting live. Due to the volatile and constantly changing nature of this situation, please check back frequently for updates.*name withheld to protect journalistic assets on scene
Rebels have taken over the television portion of the compound are staging a sit-in.
Mom is attempting to cut off their food supply, but the coalition has secured a cache of marshmallow fluff.
The rebels appear armed.
Mom continues to hold the office, the kitchen and the ham.
This news outlet is beginning to hear reports that the rebellion known as the Anti-Clean the House Before Thanksgiving movement is more widespread than initially suspected, possibly moving across the country in a coordinated attack to depose Moms everywhere. If you have eye-witness reports, please share.
This just in from eye-witness Terri: “Starting Friday, certain ones among my household enforced their control via germ warfare. Confirmation was received yesterday–influenza A was their technique. Thus, sleeping and TV watching have been primary activities. I have capitulated.”
Mom reports she spent the weekend battling two rebels intent on germ warfare, as well. Their fever went viral on Sunday. Their favorite tactic? Licking each other. And the couch. Note to moms everywhere: Be on the lookout for suspicious lickers.