Weekend Plans, Insider Trading, and Making a Cleanliness Gesture

I’m spending the weekend in Portland with my oldest baby at a dance convention. This is why:

Abby flies

I forgot to watch Dance Moms for inspiration before we left, though, so I’m afraid my behavior won’t be up to nagging and bullying par. This makes me feel sad. Like I’m destined to fail from the get-go. At least I’m failing in good company, though, ’cause none of the other moms I’m staying with meet the bar, either. Maybe I can hope one of us SNAPS this weekend! Is that too much to ask? That just one of us totally loses her poo and goes all DANCE MOM all ovah the place? Pray with me, OK?

In other news, Greg is leaving this weekend, too, spending it with our oldest boy child to belatedly celebrate his 13th birthday. I understand this will require fuel in the form of unlimited Taco Bell. Also, I’ll probably land in jail a la Martha Stewart for handing you this insider trading tip but buy stock in Frito Lay, friends; it’s not too late.

If you’re good at math, you’ll notice our plans leave 3 children unaccounted for. THANK GOD FOR GRANDPARENTS. They’re all chipping in to cover us.

Papa, the self-titled Old Marine, who raised me to be precise, organized, immaculate and prepared, agreed to overnight with the littles while we’re away. I think this means Papa’s going to sleep in our bed. I’m writing this entire post, actually, to ask Greg with a pretty, pretty please to change our sheets*. I mean, the rest of the house is a hideous mess, too, and I don’t want Papa to have to live with that, either, but in a move that will surprise no one I’m willing to let the toilets go if it means Papa doesn’t have to sleep on the 10 inches of dried toothpaste-stain that got on our sheets… um, I don’t know how it got there.  What I’m saying is, I’d like to at least make a cleanliness gesture here, yes?

If it can’t be actually clean, it can be gesture clean. 



I’m really glad we had this chat about standards and stuff.

Also, I’m really glad for family who love us for the raging mess we are.

The End.


P.S. What are YOU doing this weekend? Any stock tips you want to share? Remember, sharing time’s a happy time. Well, you know; ’til it lands you in slammer.


*Psst… Greg, I know I should’ve changed the sheets myself before I left. That’s why we have the “If You Care, Then Fix It” rule. But I’m sort of banking on your twenty-year trend of unreasonable mercy. Now where’s that hopeful/convincing smiley face when I need it?


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15 responses to “Weekend Plans, Insider Trading, and Making a Cleanliness Gesture”

  1. So, I totally saw you today at theconvention, but at first I wasn’t surfeit was you, then I opened your blog and saw you mention said convention…. Then I saw you AGAIN, and got too dorked out to talk you. Boo, me. Or maybe yay, me…. If you don’t like stalkers.

    My DD (also adopted-from China) and I are wiped out!!!!

    Hope you aren’t as much..

    Take care!

    • Ha! I hope I wasn’t picking my nose. 🙂

      Next time, say hi! I’d love to meet you, Leslie. If you run the same dance competition circuit, we’re sure to run into each other later this winter/spring.

      We’re exhausted. Always are after these events, but it’s also fun to get away. I hope you and your daughter had a good time. xoxo

  2. I’m new to your blog and I find it wonderful. It’s nice to see that I’m not the only parent with a messy house, and that is I only have two children and a dog.
    Weekend plans were completely and uttering boring. But only because we chose to be boring people this weekend. How nice to not be exciting for a while, right?

  3. I can’t believe I’m going to do this but just this once Beth, I believe I’m setting my standards way lower than yours, and I love you for it. My dad is coming to watch my boys in February. While he’s not a marine, he has enough OCD with a strong streak of Type A Personality to put them in the same camp. I’ve decided to go on a cleaning strike until he gets here. If I clean, he will still have to clean it cleaner, so why bother. I figure we’ll get some new towels and stuff out of it.

    Psstt..Old Marine – call me so we can tackle Beth’s scary closets together!

    • WHAT? I count on you grossing out, Heather! I hardly know what to do with this information. I’m consoling myself with the likelihood that your house is already clean so a cleaning strike won’t be smeared-toothpaste bad.

      Also, I think you & my dad are the only people brave enough to face my closets. 😉

  4. Clean sheets, hot chow, dry socks. Heaven come down to earth. Marines from Tun Tavern to Helmand Province rise up to call you blessed. BZ

  5. Shoot me now! Our weekend looks very similar without the escaping. I have the 3 (three footers, yard apes, littles – pick your descriptor) tonight while hubby has made the trip to KC for #2 child’s first gymnastics meet of the season! (He took 3rd place overall. Thanks for asking). And #1 child is at a movie with her friends. God forbid she spend Friday night home with her mom and little sibs. Tomorrow is hubby’s office Christmas party – yeah! A grown up night out! It’s a casino theme. What do I wear to that? I don’t have some James Bond Casino Royale slinky number waiting in my closet so I guess I am screwed. Looks like I will have to go as the suburban goddess that I am! And finally we have a wrestling tournament for the 8 year old at the ungodly hour of 7:30 am on Sunday! Who wrestles on Sunday? I am not sure God would approve. We don’t wrestle until 11 but we have to be there for the weigh in at 7:30. Maybe I can sleep in the car. All in all, just another quiet weekend at the Garrisons.
    On another note, I totally get the cleanliness gesture. I usually get about as far as stripping the bed and leaving the clean sheets somewhere in the bedroom for my parents to put on. I never actually get them on the bed. And I am not sure you know this but toothpaste just magically appears places. No rhyme or reason. It defies all logic. Just go with it.
    Have a great time with your daughter and try to keep your head about you, ok? We don’t need any more freaked out dance moms in this world. There are plenty already.

    • WOOHOO! Congrats to your boy on the 3rd place win!

      You’re absolutely right about the toothpaste. I can think of 2 other places it’s smeared in my house right now unless my dad cleaned it up already. *Crossing fingers.*

      I hope you had a fabulous time at the party in your slinky Suburban Mommy outfit. Yogurt stains? Boogers? I wear those all the time and I find they’re really versatile.

  6. We are recovering from one twin having his tonsils out & tubes put in his ears this weekend. We will also be recovering from the other twin being highly upset that he missed out on such procedures. And when I say “we”, I mean me & my Mom, who graciously got volunteered to lose her sanity with me.

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