I’m spending the weekend in Portland with my oldest baby at a dance convention. This is why:
I forgot to watch Dance Moms for inspiration before we left, though, so I’m afraid my behavior won’t be up to nagging and bullying par. This makes me feel sad. Like I’m destined to fail from the get-go. At least I’m failing in good company, though, ’cause none of the other moms I’m staying with meet the bar, either. Maybe I can hope one of us SNAPS this weekend! Is that too much to ask? That just one of us totally loses her poo and goes all DANCE MOM all ovah the place? Pray with me, OK?
In other news, Greg is leaving this weekend, too, spending it with our oldest boy child to belatedly celebrate his 13th birthday. I understand this will require fuel in the form of unlimited Taco Bell. Also, I’ll probably land in jail a la Martha Stewart for handing you this insider trading tip but buy stock in Frito Lay, friends; it’s not too late.
If you’re good at math, you’ll notice our plans leave 3 children unaccounted for. THANK GOD FOR GRANDPARENTS. They’re all chipping in to cover us.
Papa, the self-titled Old Marine, who raised me to be precise, organized, immaculate and prepared, agreed to overnight with the littles while we’re away. I think this means Papa’s going to sleep in our bed. I’m writing this entire post, actually, to ask Greg with a pretty, pretty please to change our sheets*. I mean, the rest of the house is a hideous mess, too, and I don’t want Papa to have to live with that, either, but in a move that will surprise no one I’m willing to let the toilets go if it means Papa doesn’t have to sleep on the 10 inches of dried toothpaste-stain that got on our sheets… um, I don’t know how it got there. What I’m saying is, I’d like to at least make a cleanliness gesture here, yes?
If it can’t be actually clean, it can be gesture clean.
I’m really glad we had this chat about standards and stuff.
Also, I’m really glad for family who love us for the raging mess we are.
P.S. What are YOU doing this weekend? Any stock tips you want to share? Remember, sharing time’s a happy time. Well, you know; ’til it lands you in slammer.
*Psst… Greg, I know I should’ve changed the sheets myself before I left. That’s why we have the “If You Care, Then Fix It” rule. But I’m sort of banking on your twenty-year trend of unreasonable mercy. Now where’s that hopeful/convincing smiley face when I need it?