Greg’s Not Home Tonight: A Very Bad Haiku

This isn’t a real post. Just an ode to Greg not being home. In very, very bad haiku.

Greg’s Not Home Tonight

Greg’s not home tonight.
He’s at a meeting for work.
I’m home with five kids.

Three kids are fighting.
I think someone licked the dog.
Two boys are naked.

I’m hiding from them.
In the bathroom. ShhhQuiet.
Don’t give me away.

Shoot. One just found me.
And made me look at his butt.
Hole. At his butt hole.

It’s red and rashy.
His wiping was very bad.
Very, very bad.

Is it bedtime yet?
How about now? Or now? Or
five minutes ago?

When they’re all sleeping,
and the wind blows from the hill,
I’ll miss their bright eyes.

 But I won’t miss the
weird stuff. … … … Not much. … Shhh. Quiet.
Don’t give me away.


And how was your day?
You can answer in haiku.
You know, if you want.


Don’t miss a post. Subscribe here

43 responses to “Greg’s Not Home Tonight: A Very Bad Haiku”

  1. Limerick time

    My Elsie can use her own potty
    I think this is sweet and not naughty.
    Sleep would not come my way
    There’s no end to this day.
    My floor is not clean but all spotty.

  2. Irv not home last night-
    -CPR class with church peeps-
    Junk food dinner-Yay!

    Not too bad junk food
    Quesadillas and nachos
    We do love some cheese.

  3. Errands with both boys
    McD’s, Target and Doctor
    Squeezed in jog tonight

    Celebrated with
    coffee and whole wheat bagel
    cinnamon sugar

    hypocrite’s diet
    won’t ever lose weight this way
    sugar addiction

  4. This is the best comment chain – I can read the comments much more quickly.

    Hate (hate!) running, but
    It’s healthy, cheap. 5 am:
    Dark, but at least warm.

    One step at a time,
    And QT with BFF!
    Home before sun up.

    Crunches done; feel good.
    Lunches packed before kids wake.
    Score: kids wake cheerful.

    Walk to bus on time,
    Daffodils flutter and dance.

    All looks glorious.
    Determined! Healthy choices…
    Too early for ice cream?

    (Apologies to Mr. Wordsworth for borrowing the daffodil description, but I love that poem so it’s OK.)

  5. People yelled at me.
    It’s my job, but it still sucks.
    Had to warn my boss.

    The real sucky part
    was hours on phone: paypal.
    That was yesterday.

    Today’s a new day.
    I’m Haikuing with coffee.
    Things are looking up.


    Single mom. Small Kid.
    I got a shower today,
    So that is one point.

    I exercised too
    And did a full day of work
    One more point for me.

    Ate dinner then danced;
    Our RAD nightly ritual.
    Surely that’s point 3.

    The kid is asleep.
    Haiku instead of working.
    Lose one point, I think.

    Now I’m back to work.
    How many points do I need
    For a glass of wine?

    • You have it all wrong.
      You get INFINITY points.
      All single moms do.

      Because YOU are rad.
      You don’t tag out. You keep on.
      You’re there for your kid.

      Hard worker. Awesome mama.
      Love personified.

      • Oh now I can’t stop
        Your point system is better
        A “friend” beats the wine

        How does this rhythm
        Ever leave my poor, tired brain?
        How ‘bout limericks?

    • Husband is deployed
      Has never met his daughter
      She is five months old

      The dog needs a walk
      And the toddler wiped his hands
      On my clean curtains

      I am not too sure
      When it was that I last slept
      Life is such a blur

      But, “Single Parent”
      Those words command my respect
      You are my hero

      Your job is so hard
      I have learned these past 8 months
      Raise my glass to YOU!

      …also you don’t even need points for a glass of wine. Cheers!

  7. Love it! Real life, thanks Beth!

    My dog ran away,
    I am apart from my man,
    And the truck broke down.

    Van, actually.
    The Momtastic minivan.
    But truck sounds better.

    See, if it’s a truck,
    Then my life is pretty much
    A country song now.

    Wait, did I tell you
    We’re squatting at nanny’s house.
    Ours is getting fixed.

    Lest you think I’m sad,
    You should know that all is well.
    Embrace up AND down.

    Life is suffering.
    Doesn’t that sound horrible?
    Jeez, emo Buddha!

    But I think he meant,
    Don’t wait for the good part,
    It’s ALL sacred life.

    Oh, the dog came back.
    The Mombulance is fixed.
    I’ll see my man soon.

    Our house will get fixed.
    But even if it were borked,
    It’s STILL the journey.

      • Thanks, Beth! What can I say, you inspired me.

        My only regret is that I didn’t work poop in there somehow.

        Oh hey, here’s my chance:

        Small, red, scrunchy face,
        Could this spell your sweet relief?
        Poop, baby. Please poop.

  8. No haiku here either.
    I bought lunch and dinner.
    Neither in the budget.
    I really need to start working my business, but everyone keeps getting sick this year (BAD 2013).
    But the youngest 3 got free kid meals and we were all happy and had fun. Now I should sleep.

  9. I’m no good at haiku, but if it makes you feel any better about your situation, I just got a call from my son’s boarding school–two hours distant from here–saying that he’s been suspended for three days and can we please pick him up TONIGHT. Apparently he “roughed up” another kid in the cottage. So I had to call my hardworking husband at his place of employment and tell the clerk he needs to be let go on emergency, which means now all the employees there will know we have a problem kid. Sigh.

    We had pizza for lunch. It wasn’t in our budget, either. I haven’t had dinner yet–yes, I did feed the kids. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.