10 Rules for Peeing: A Primer for Kids

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1. No playing in your brother’s pee stream.

“Only play in my own pee stream? Got it, Mom.”

2. No playing in your own pee stream.  No playing in pee streams in general. Under certain circumstances, and using your own equipment, exceptions can be made for activities like peeing straight down into snow and then measuring for comparison. I mean, I’m not a monster.

3. No pee fights.

4. If you’ve ever wondered what it sounds like to pee on the wall or in the garbage can or on the floor or in the toy bin or inside the garage or behind your bed, IT SOUNDS LIKE PEE. STOP IT.

5. A swimsuit is for getting wet. A swimsuit is not for wetting. Don’t pee in the pool. More importantly, when you do pee in the pool, don’t announce it. Announcing it includes both verbal and nonverbal clues. Verbal clues include hollering, “I just peed in the pool, Mom! It made a nice warm spot! Come feel!” Nonverbal clues include scrambling out of the pool, grabbing your private parts and then watching the pee dribble down your legs.

6. Pee is not stamps or coins or baseball cards or comic books. Don’t collect it.

7. Yes, of course you can pee outside. In fact, from March-October that’s required. Usual rules apply. Keep it off the porch. Be sneaky. Keep your bits to yourself. Don’t get arrested. Pretend like you use the potty when guests come over.

8. You can all pee further than your brothers. I know this doesn’t seem possible, but you’re going to have to trust me; no need to keep proving it.

9. Our toilet doesn’t leak. I know it’s pee. Clean it up.

10. No peeing on other people. No, really; I mean it this time.

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Do you have rules for peeing? What’s missing from this list? Or which of these rules would you particularly like apply to your family?

Your pee stories needed. STAT.

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Flower Toilet Signs image credit to aopsan via freedigitalimages.net
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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
49 comments
  1. if i ever tell my 14 yr old son not to lie he does my rule
    :if you lie you dont get a movie if you dont lie you get 1

  2. help help help I CANT HAVE HIM DOING THIS!

  3. all though he never does it in the bathroom PLZ HELP ME!!!

    1. my son today i have a pee rule if you have to pee tell us then he says nope

  4. my son peed on a pool toy and i yelled NO PEEING ON POOL TTOYS!

  5. a few months ago, our three-year-old came back into the screened-in back deck, where we were having friends (incidentally, none of whom have kids, btw…) over for dinner… it being summer, we had of course taught him the wonders of being able to pee (“great! no more accidents trying to make it to the bathroom bc he FINALLY announced he needed to go…”)

    on this particular occasion, we had suddenly seen him stand up in the yard with his bare butt to the world, yank his pants up, and walk up to the house. since we hadn’t given him permission to pee in the yard and certainly had never had him pee just way in the middle of no place to hide like that, we laughed amongst ourselves till he came to the door, then sternly asked him what he had just done in the yard.

    he “slyly” replied, “i didn’t poop in the yard!” to which my husband and i immediately reacted with, “OH DEAR LET’S GO FIND THE POOP” and our friends about died laughing all over each other.

    and, of course…yep.

  6. peeing outside yes is a requirement however please poop in the toilet. My almost three year old has come to the conclusion that the tree is closer then the toilet for all bathroom needs lol.

  7. I have all girls, and we’re down to 3 potty-related rules.
    1. The laundry is NOT a toilet. Don’t ever, ever sit on the laundry and pee. Taking an extra minute to get to the bathroom is a perfectly reasonable demand.
    2. Wet diapers go in the trash, not behind the bed. (We’re still working on nights.)
    3. ALWAYS flush the poop! (Not technically a pee rule, but very important, IMO.)

    1. “If it’s yellow let it mellow…if it’s brown flush it down.”

  8. it’s not a rule because I laugh too hard every time it happens but we are trying desperately to teach our 2 y/o daughter not to try to pee standing up like her 4 y/o brother. Generally she stands next to a tree, pulls down her pants, then reaches down and tries to “aim” her girly bits into the tree. Most times this results in a wardrobe malfunction, but yesterday she managed to empty her entire bladder this way and not get any on her. No idea how she did it, but my mom and I laughed so hard we were crying.

  9. Well, it’s not a rule, but I did take a sharpi pen and write “Finally Brothers, . . . . aim for perfection” on the underside of the toilet seat. It’s Biblical from 2 Corinthians 13:11 NIV.

  10. My mother-in-law is much disappointed with our lack of a no peeing outside rule for our 4 year old son. Well, it was your son that taught him. In fact, your son uses the outside more than the inside to urinate.
    My son also plays this cool game that if he hears my husband urinating, he rushes in to pee at the same time and then declares, “I win!” when he’s emptied his tiny bladder. He has even done this in his sleep!

  11. Brand new as of this morning:
    Please don’t use your pee to try to kill the fly buzzing around the bathroom. I appreciate the thought, but maybe, just maybe, there might be a better method.

  12. Funny! I just had to institute this rule two days ago:
    When you pee in the ocean, go into the water up to your belly button and let go, discreetly and quietly, like there is nothing going on down there.
    What not to do: walk into the ocean up to your ankles, turn around to face the beach, wave, pull down your suit, and pee while flashing the world.

  13. The light MUST be on while using the bathroom. Dear Son #1, using the bathroom is not the time to test your night vision — FLIP THE SWITCH and let there be light before you begin your bathroom “duties”!!

  14. Stopping to pee will not, “waste your playtime.”

    And when you are standing in the outfield, slowly letting it trickle down your leg so you don’t have to leave the baseball game, don’t tell me it was “just a little.”

    And please remember to blot your doo dad with a square of toilet paper to catch the dribbles after peeing so that each pair of underwear doesn’t smell like urine! For peeing out loud, people!!! =)

    (Thanks for making our household feel normal.)

  15. Not a rule, but I have this exchange multiple times a day:
    “Did you wash your hands?”
    “Yes.”
    “With soap?”
    “Yes.”
    “Come here and let me smell them.”
    “Um, I’ll be right back…”

    1. haha rebekah, we have a similar exchange in our house every day, but it goes like this: “did you wash?” “yes. [smirking, with hands behind back]” “oh yeah? come here and let me feel your hands.” [child goes directly to wash hands.]

  16. With a house full of boys, we have given up. Do what you want, just don’t announce it . . . especially not at the dinner table with guests. Yes, Grandma counts as a guest here . . .
    thanks for the laugh

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