Welcome to our guest post series on Parenting and Imperfection.
Today, I’m thrilled to welcome Mark Staufer and Bryan Erwin, the hilarious and honest dads behind the weekly tell-it-like-it-is Dadsaster podcasts, to this space.
Every week, Dadsaster brings together some pretty remarkable people like The Bloggess, The Honest Toddler, Jim Gaffigan, Frank Caliendo and many, many more to discuss a huge range of topics, some of which even matter. To tell you the truth, I have no idea how they justify including me in the bunch, but I’m always thrilled to hide from my kids in the bathroom and take Dadsaster’s call while sitting on the floor of my shower in my nightgown because it turns out I’m ALWAYS dressed perfectly for audio.
You know, there are a lot of dads who read over here, and a lot of folks without kids, too, and you’ve taught me a critical lesson over time, which is this: anytime we are honest out loud — any time we are imperfect and beautiful and messed up and ridiculous and broken and mended — we are describing the human condition.
Not the mommy condition.
Or the parenting condition.
Just the human condition with all its gory and glory mixed up together.
And that’s exactly what Mark and Bryan understand. That this is about all of us. Their show is funny first and dad-centric, and then it’s a sneak attack of smart, witty and endearing. They walk the fine line that balances awesome humor, telling the truth and treating people’s stories well. I like them. And I know you will, too.
DADSASTER’s 10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW AS A NEW DAD,
BUT PROBABLY WON’T BE TOLD…
One of the reasons BETH has been a guest on the DADSASTER podcast more than any other mom is because she tells the truth. Her family life is like ours — a wondrous, mystical, accident-prone, each-day-as-it-comes, warts-and-all work in progress. And she courageously spills the beans on every aspect of it.
When it came to us doing a podcast for NEW DADS — we just had to have BETH back as one of our guests. (You can find the podcast here or go to Dadsaster.com.)
In the meantime, if you’re about to become a father for the first time — here are 10 things MARK & BRYAN from Dadsaster really believe you should know.
1. No-One Ever Dies on the Drive Home from the Hospital — yes, it’ll be the most excruciating journey of your life with the delicate new cargo, and the partner-in-pain, but trust us, those other drivers are not out to get you, and you’ll all arrive home beautifully. You’ll be back to your Nascar ways soon enough.
2. Your New Reality is Crappy — poop will be a main topic of conversation from now on, and you’ll be covered in the stuff on a daily basis. As well as vomit. Oh, and breast-milk. Together they will be your new cologne — Eau de Squirt.
3. Moms Have This Intuition Thing, and So Do Dads — if either of you think something’s wrong with your little critter, trust your instincts and seek help. In the first instance, ask other parents, or your parents. Or even her parents.
4. Don’t Have Visitors — for a while, your entertaining days are over. It’s nice to have people drop-off meals, but that doesn’t mean you have to invite them in. If you do, make sure they wash their hands.
5. Sex Is Off the Menu — yup, sorry, those breasts are no longer exclusively yours. Actually, they’re exclusively someone else’s. And the last thing she’ll probably want is a bit of slap-and-tickle. She may even be blaming you for the stretch-marks and the sore nipples. She may even slap you, sans the tickle.
6. Babies Are Not As Delicate and Fragile As You Think — accidents can happen, but don’t freak-out. Just like you, these little critters are resilient. We’re not saying you can leave baby alone in the bath or play rough-and-tumble just yet, but remember, meanwhile in Mali, newborns are being strapped onto backs and walked across deserts to oases. With camels.
7. Your Friends Don’t Like You Anymore — your mates without kids now have absolutely nothing in common with you. You need to make new friends. Dad-friends. Reach out to them, we’re not so bad, although we do tend to smell of poop, vomit and breast-milk.
8. You’re Going To Be Tired Forever — kids are a pretty full-time occupation. When they begin sleeping through the night, you start lying awake worrying about them even more. Those dark circles are here to stay.
9. They Like Her More Than You — this is what babies do: eat, sleep, cry, poop. You’ll be in charge of the pooping, sleeping and crying equations. And baby still won’t even recognize you. But don’t give-up — you’ll be forming a powerful bond with the little critter that’ll pay dividends. One day they’ll actually look at you, smile deliciously and say those magic words, “Dad? Can I borrow the car-keys?”
10. It’s OK To Feel Overwhelmed — any parent who tells you they don’t think about killing their kid at least three times a day is lying. As a new dad, or mom, you do not need to feel guilty about these thoughts. We promise you — you’ll cope, and you’ll do an amazing job. Remember, it gets better. And then worse. And then better, and then… And then eventually, they’ll be the ones changing your diapers.
For more parenting and fatherhood tips, humor and conversation, tune in to the weekly DADSASTER podcast with hosts Mark Staufer and Bryan Erwin.
You’ll be glad you did.
And psst… a brand new Dadsaster podcast – What New Dads Need to Know – is out today. I’m on it.
Technically, I should know what I said since I was present via phone at the time of recording, but it was a day off school and, as ALL THE CHILDREN WERE HOME needing things like toast and a referee, I hadn’t managed to army crawl my way to the coffee pot yet. Your guess is as good as mine, is what I’m saying; it’s all a blur.
But if someone (*ahem* bryan *ahem*) should make fun of my laugh after I hang up, I’d just like to point out that if these 2 guys weren’t so funny I wouldn’t laugh like an idiot the entire time.
You can see all of the Parenting and Imperfection posts here.
One response to “Dadsaster’s 10 Things New Dads Need to Know”
I just wanted you to know that I am one of your non-kid-having readers, and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for writing what you write. It does speak to me.