I don’t think there’s anything more terrible than calling a photographer for headshots. Not hunger. Not violence. Not war. NOTHING is worse. Or lots of things are seriously WAY worse, and a lightening bolt is headed my way, but I’m the one writing here, so, until the sparks fly and I pay the price in spontaneous combustion, NOTHING IS WORSE, I say.

The main problem with calling a photographer for headshots is you have to say things like, “Hello, my name is Beth Woolsey, and I’d like to book a photoshoot.”

And then, “No, not for my family.”

And then, “No, not for senior pictures.”

And then, “No, no wedding.”

And then, “HA! NO! NO NEW BABIES!”

And then, “Nope. No kind of celebration of any kind.”

And finally, “I just want some pictures of me. I’mmmm… booking an entire photoshoot for myself. ‘Cause I’d like some pictures. Of me. And my face. And also of my head, please. For professional use, though,” because professional use makes it OK, right? But then, “… No, nope; not a model. I’m kind of 5’3″ if I stand on my tiptoes and also lie about that last inch and a half, and I’m a big fan of carbs – HUGE FAN of carbs – so HAHAHAHAHA, I’ve never been accused of being a model before! … Ha… ha… ha? … Ooookay. See, I’m a writer… and… I… write… things… and I need pictures of me becausssse…”

And I HAVE NO ENDING TO THAT TRAIN WRECK.

Which is why I have that picture right there to your right, at the top of this blog, of me in a too-tight Mickey Mouse shirt with Greg and his binoculars (through which he may have tried to get a close-up of Mickey), snapped on a family vacation in Alaska. Because it has been totally, completely, 100% worth it to have that photo be my headshot for years and therefore not have to have headshots done.

But I’m doing a whole website redesign, and I’ve been working on it for months and months, and by “working on it” I mean writing bad checks to my rad graphic designer friend and then having to apologize for screwing up my bank account and then rewriting the checks except this time with additional pinky-swears and mostly empty promises that they’re cashable, so it’s been exhausting, you know? Exhausting. And terrifying to think about having to make that call. To a photographer. For headshots. GAH.

In the midst of all this hard, HARD work, on a dry, autumn Saturday afternoon while my kids were distracted by the Wii enhanced by screaming at each other, I grabbed hold of my swiftly fleeing courage, tackled it to the ground, sat on its head and texted my photographer friend, Joel, to ask if he had time RIGHT THAT MOMENT to do headshots for me. Since he didn’t know about that whole check fiasco, he said YES. I grabbed a curling iron, did something to my hair, and left all the rest of me – clothes, jewelry, make-up and mess – as is, because a) I care about authenticity (just not Hair Authenticity, I guess), b) who has the time for make-up and wardrobe? <– NOT ME.

My courage and I showed up, and I was fine, but my courage was shocky and skittish and I didn’t know how she would do. I kept catching her trying mess with my posture and make me hunch in on myself because she can be kind of a jerk when she’s all wigged out.

Fortunately, I’ve known Joel for a LONG time. And he has Mad Skills. And he also has a 6 year old son whom he loaned me for free (although the Kid charged me a dollar) so the Kid could grin at me from behind his dad the whole time, and I didn’t have to look into the lens. Best dollar I ever spent.

Also, the kid locked me and my courage in a cage so we couldn’t escape.

Worked like a charm.

So I can’t show you the headshot I’m actually going to use in the website redesign. Mostly because I would’ve had to plan ahead to know which one it is. But I can show you some of our work together. Which was surprisingly Not Awful and maybe even Fun.

PLUS we invented some rad new poses which – MODELS, LISTEN UP! – you’re welcome to borrow for your own photoshoots.

Poses like:

The Zombies Are Coming!

…..

and,

The Laying Casually on a Trampoline in the Leaves Number
(I do this ALL THE TIME.)
(Never. I do this never.)

…..

and,

The Endorse Sinning Boldly Pose
(with special bonus material I like to call “Never Mind the Belly Pooch Because This Is What I Get for Stupidly Insisting Joel Not Airbrush Anything”)

…..

and, of course,

The Joel Painted My Face With Mud Shot

Which was AWESOME.

Because HELLO, WARRIOR MAMA.

 Right?

Right.

Which was sassy and so led naturally to the
“I’m Sorry, WHAT Did You Just Say to Me?” Face

“You don’t know how to unload the dishwasher? I’m sorry, what did you just say to me?”

“You can’t remember if you hit your brother two seconds ago? I’m sorry, what did you just say to me?”

“You’re tired of doing all the work around here and no one else does anything? I’m sorry, what did you just say to me?”

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Also, SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!

…..

In short (too late), the whole thing worked out splendidly, because now, instead of me being afraid of headshots,

HEADSHOTS ARE AFRAID OF ME.

The End

Except for this anouncement…

I’M NOW OFFERING AD SPACE
with discounts for writers, artists and home-based businesses

I’m rolling out a Five Kids is a Lot of Kids website redesign soon — like, SOON soon — which isn’t big news to you, I know, but I’m EXCITED to show it to you anyway. I’ve worked with close friends who GET US, and I think it embodies our community and spirit while being fresh and clean, and, if my bathrooms can’t be those things, then I’m glad our online space CAN.

Part of the redesign includes reworking the way I think about ads and my desire to offer something that benefits the PEOPLE who frequent the Five Kids blog (i.e. YOU) and not just the corporations who have the most ad money to spend. I’m not anti-corporation. Not even a little. I just care more about making ad space accessible to those of us who might find it more challenging to afford, you know? And as a mama who brought in a whopping $70 last month, I get it; there’s just not a lot of options out there for me to promote what I do in a way that makes sense for my family financially.

So, to celebrate the imminent Five Kids blog redesign, I’m offering a limited-time 25% discount from regular ad prices, with further discounts for writers, artists and home-based businesses.

25% Off Ad Prices for Businesses:
Text-based ads = $15/month (regularly $20/month)
Graphic ads = $30/month (regularly $40/month)

33% Off Ad Prices for Writers/Artists/Home-Based Businesses:
Text-based ads = $10/month (regularly $15/month)
Graphic ads = $20/month (regularly $30/month)

If you know someone who might want a reduced rate to advertise on a site where a harried mom of five, well, talks about pee a lot (BECAUSE WHO WOULDN’T WANT AN AD NEXT TO PEE? AMIRITE?), please send this to them, STAT.

For more details, site statistics, or to purchase a discounted ad to debut with the new site*, please email me at FiveKidsIsALotOfKids@gmail.com with “Ad Query” in subject line.

*To guarantee that your ad will debut with the site redesign, and to receive premium, above-the-fold placement, I’ll need your ad and payment by Friday night, November 22nd, Pacific Time. After that, we’ll do our best to accommodate!