My Husband Stopped Texting Me While He’s at Work

My husband has stopped responding to texts from me while he’s at work.


So my husband’s solution is to walk around with his penis goiter and tell people he’s just happy to see them? Um… no.


I haven’t heard back from Greg since I mentioned I’m a Penis Goiter Coveter.

I’d feel bad for Greg – I mean, no one goes into marriage thinking you’re getting a Penis Goiter Coveter for a wife – but marriage doesn’t always turn out the way you think. The person you marry changes. And they make new discoveries. And, well, sometimes Penis Goiter Coveting is part of it. This is what For Better OR FOR WORSE means, Greg.


P.S. I’d apologize for being a 14-year-old boy, except I’ve decided to stop apologizing for who I am.

P.P.S. In other news, mad props to Lizzy Pollard. While no one has been able thus far to fulfill my request for a copy of Be Bold With Bananas, Lizzy did find me the Banana Candles recipe which includes instructions for cutting off the curvy bit at the end, fitting it in the hole, and what to do if you don’t like nuts. My day? MADE. Thank you, Lizzy.

And… P.P.P.S. It’s time for the LAST DAY (Day 12) of 7+ Giveaways! (Day 11 is still open to entries here.) WE MADE IT. WOOHOO! I’d give you a long schpeel here except I’m afraid if my schpeels get any longer, I’ll trip over them. And I think we can all agree NO ONE WANTS THAT. 


SO. Today’s giveaway for one winner is the item of your choice from the 5 Kids Shop.

Pee Fight Pacifist t-shirt? We’ve got it.
Need to let folks know it’s an Angery Dragon kind of day? Done.
Definition of Parenting mug? You betcha. 

And, of course, we still have the always popular 5 Kids logo thong. Because telling my brother he could do “whatever he wanted” with the shop was a horrible, horrible idea.

This giveaway is now closed. Congratulations to Jaclyn, winner of the 5 Kids Shop item.  

TO ENTER: Leave a comment on this blog post by 11:59pm (Pacific Time) on Monday, January 13th. One entry per person, please. A winner will be selected using a random number generator and posted on Tuesday(ish). This giveaway is open to international participants.

photo 1 (70)P.P.P.P.S. The thong is our best seller because you guys are HILARIOUS. Like Chris who bought it for his wife for their anniversary and had me autograph it. —>

I’m still laughing, Chris. Nicely done.



Greg DID text me back later in the afternoon.


You know; just FYI.

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63 responses to “My Husband Stopped Texting Me While He’s at Work”

  1. Thanks for the laugh out loud kind of humor that makes you wish you had 5 kids to blame your bad bladder on…, keep it up…, the Jesus talking and the rest.

  2. I have 5 kids, one on the way..
    I just might have tinkled a little from laughing so much after reading this. I love reading your stuff! 🙂

  3. i love your blog. if you lived near me, i would make you be friends with me. (and i mean that in the least stalker-ish way possible.)

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