I’m behind on email.

All the Email.

The school email.

The dance email.

The friends email.

The family email.

The fun email.

The bills.

The invitations.

The follow-ups.

The quick questions.

The lists of things to do.

The writing ideas.

The calendar appointments.

The lists and listserves.

The doctors’ messages.

The Important messages.

The Starred messages.

And the Everything Else.

Also, I’m behind on All the Other Things.

I have to pee right now, for example, but I don’t anticipate a window for that opening up until 2017 or so.

One might suggest my time would be better spent culling my email box (or, you know, peeing) than writing this post, in which case it’s crystal clear one doesn’t appreciate the subtle art of procrastination or its close cousin, sheer avoidance. 

However, if you’re like me and your email box reminds you of Shel Silverstein’s Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout who Would Not Take the Garbage Out, and you’re about to perish underneath a GIANT, terrifying, tumbling pile, I HAVE GOOD NEWS. 

GREAT news.

The grading scale for email recently changed!

A break-through in email grading science!

I didn’t realize it myself until I was writing my friend, Amber Dusick of Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures. I began with this: 

I’d like to point out that I am NOT one month behind on emails. I am only 24 days behind on emails. Which is, like, only 80% of one month. Since 80% is a B by the most loose grading standards, I’m giving myself a B. Too bad I didn’t wait for the whole month to be behind, because that’s 100% of one month and then I’d have an A+. 

 And THEN I didn’t send that email to Amber and found it over a month later, which turned out to be AWESOME because by then I’d waited more than TWO whole months, so it was, like, 100% of one month + 100% of another month, or, in other words, an A+ PLUS extra credit by the time I actually sent it.

In conclusion, I win at email, and you can, too.

In case you don’t want to figure out the math all by yourself, here’s a handy, dandy, Quick Reference Email Grading Scale.

Enjoy!

Quick Reference Email Grading Scale*

0-17 days behind on email = 0%-56% of one month = F Grade
18-20 days behind on email = 60%-67% of one month = D Grade
21-23 days behind on email = 70%-77% of one month = C Grade
24-26 days behind on email = 80%-87% of one month = B Grade
27-30 days behind on email = 90%-100% of one month = A Grade
31+ days behind on email = greater than 100% of one month = A+ PLUS extra credit

*based on a 30-day month

And I used to think math would have no real-life application as an adult. Just goes to show how wrong I was.

P.S. If you sent me an email in last, oh, 6 months or so, and I haven’t responded, I’m so, so sorry. I probably read it, loved it, smiled at it or cried at it, and then starred it so I’d remember to go back and give you the thoughtful answer you deserved. On the bright side, I have an A+ PLUS extra credit on a LOT of emails. On the downside, you may be under the impression I don’t care when you write me. I do care. I promise, promise and cross my heart. 

P.P.S. See yesterday’s post for a few blog announcements and blurbs, including our first Writing Contest, BIG (little) plans for Lent, and a Portland-area meet-up.